The Last Friday

Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.
The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


4 posters

    Open to suggestions. Trying to put punch in the poem.

    avatar
    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Open to suggestions.  Trying to put punch in the poem.   Empty Open to suggestions. Trying to put punch in the poem.

    Post  Pat Wed Oct 29, 2014 3:47 pm

                   Wondering

     

    The woman lies in bed waiting for

    the black sky to turn dark blue. 

     

    She stays perfectly put

    wanting to revert back to

     

    a season of lights, red poinsettias,

    jingling bells.  

     

    A great weight sits on her chest. 

    She turns and resettles.

     

    Smoothing back brown hair,

    she wonders where she’ll find

     

    the courage to brave confusion

    and to forgive herself

     

    for not setting firm boundaries,

    for allowing

     

    an entangled cancer with horns

    to live inside her body.
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Open to suggestions.  Trying to put punch in the poem.   Empty Reformatted

    Post  tsukany Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:15 am

    Wondering

    The woman lies in bed waiting for
    the black sky to turn dark blue. 

    She stays perfectly put
    wanting to revert back to

    a season of lights, red poinsettias,
    jingling bells.  

    A great weight sits on her chest. 
    She turns and resettles.

    Smoothing back brown hair,
    she wonders where she’ll find

    the courage to brave confusion
    and to forgive herself

    for not setting firm boundaries,
    for allowing

    an entangled cancer with horns
    to live inside her body.
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Open to suggestions.  Trying to put punch in the poem.   Empty Line Breaks

    Post  tsukany Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:24 am

    Pat,  Your line breaks seem random.  I relined the poem to eight syllables.  It's an exercise I learned from Alvarez.  It puts pressure on each line and forces me to look at verbs (mostly).  I *'ed the lines that have an issue with eight syllables.

    Your persona suggests she had a choice with cancer and chose incorrectly.

    Wondering

    The woman lies in bed waiting
    for the black sky to turn dark blue. 
    She stays perfectly put wanting 

    to revert back to a season
    of lights, red poinsettias,* 
    jingling bells.  A great weight sits*

    on her chest.  She turns and resettles.*
    Smoothing back brown hair, she wonders
    where she’ll find the courage to brave

    confusion and to forgive her-
    self for not setting firm boundaries,
    for allowing an entangled 
    cancer with horns to live inside
    her body.
    avatar
    dennis20
    Guest


    Open to suggestions.  Trying to put punch in the poem.   Empty Tis the season

    Post  dennis20 Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:41 am

    Pat,  If you are satisfied with Todd's suggestions ( I do like his line breaks better ) then I will offer some words to insert to aid in 8 syllable lines.  "of twinkling lights"  "and jingling bells" "She turns and fidgets" And I can see the thought she had of choice which is enhanced with the choice of seasons in your poem. Think--Naughty or nice--our choice to receive gifts or not.  The threat sticks with us even as adults that "if we'd made other choices." remember, "If ands and buts were beer and nuts," we'd had a grand old time.  I like the pics chosen in this one.
    avatar
    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Open to suggestions.  Trying to put punch in the poem.   Empty WONDERING...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Fri Oct 31, 2014 4:10 pm

    I like WONDERING AND FORGIVING for a title...  Todd and Dennis have x-rayed this poem and it is now cleaner.  I keep reaching for another persona to care, to share in retrospect of this issue.  Would add "punch", "drama."..?  The loneliness I find in reading version #1 is quietly powerful.  I'd like to see this poem again as it progresses.  Thanks for sharing.  Dewell
    Karen
    Karen


    Posts : 320
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 70
    Location : North Little Rock

    Open to suggestions.  Trying to put punch in the poem.   Empty Re: Open to suggestions. Trying to put punch in the poem.

    Post  Karen Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:17 pm

    I agree with Todd and Dennis on the line breaks.

    Pat, I am drawn to the personal and emotional quality of your poem.  When I write this kind of poem, I am almost always satisfied with the emotion in the poem, even if I am not completely satisfied with the structure.  I like recording a clear memory of how I felt.  I like preserving it, and also being able to put it away in a sense.  I liked the feeling of being privy to the woman's doubts, and I connected with them.

    Karen
    avatar
    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Open to suggestions.  Trying to put punch in the poem.   Empty Wondering

    Post  Pat Sat Nov 01, 2014 8:12 am

    I know this is not a logical poem.  It is an emotional one.  Most women with cancer have to deal with this illogical, crazy, emotional thought.
    Thank you for not discounting it.  Your comments are so helpful.  Appreciate your looking at the structure.  Now to look at that aspect closely.  Grandchildren are here this weekend, so it must wait until Monday.   Again, I appreciate you guys.

    Sponsored content


    Open to suggestions.  Trying to put punch in the poem.   Empty Re: Open to suggestions. Trying to put punch in the poem.

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Thu Mar 28, 2024 7:07 am