Open to suggestions. Trying to put punch in the poem.

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Open to suggestions. Trying to put punch in the poem.

Post  Pat on Wed Oct 29, 2014 3:47 pm

               Wondering

 

The woman lies in bed waiting for

the black sky to turn dark blue. 

 

She stays perfectly put

wanting to revert back to

 

a season of lights, red poinsettias,

jingling bells.  

 

A great weight sits on her chest. 

She turns and resettles.

 

Smoothing back brown hair,

she wonders where she’ll find

 

the courage to brave confusion

and to forgive herself

 

for not setting firm boundaries,

for allowing

 

an entangled cancer with horns

to live inside her body.

Pat

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Reformatted

Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:15 am

Wondering

The woman lies in bed waiting for
the black sky to turn dark blue. 

She stays perfectly put
wanting to revert back to

a season of lights, red poinsettias,
jingling bells.  

A great weight sits on her chest. 
She turns and resettles.

Smoothing back brown hair,
she wonders where she’ll find

the courage to brave confusion
and to forgive herself

for not setting firm boundaries,
for allowing

an entangled cancer with horns
to live inside her body.
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tsukany

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Line Breaks

Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:24 am

Pat,  Your line breaks seem random.  I relined the poem to eight syllables.  It's an exercise I learned from Alvarez.  It puts pressure on each line and forces me to look at verbs (mostly).  I *'ed the lines that have an issue with eight syllables.

Your persona suggests she had a choice with cancer and chose incorrectly.

Wondering

The woman lies in bed waiting
for the black sky to turn dark blue. 
She stays perfectly put wanting 

to revert back to a season
of lights, red poinsettias,* 
jingling bells.  A great weight sits*

on her chest.  She turns and resettles.*
Smoothing back brown hair, she wonders
where she’ll find the courage to brave

confusion and to forgive her-
self for not setting firm boundaries,
for allowing an entangled 
cancer with horns to live inside
her body.
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Tis the season

Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:41 am

Pat,  If you are satisfied with Todd's suggestions ( I do like his line breaks better ) then I will offer some words to insert to aid in 8 syllable lines.  "of twinkling lights"  "and jingling bells" "She turns and fidgets" And I can see the thought she had of choice which is enhanced with the choice of seasons in your poem. Think--Naughty or nice--our choice to receive gifts or not.  The threat sticks with us even as adults that "if we'd made other choices." remember, "If ands and buts were beer and nuts," we'd had a grand old time.  I like the pics chosen in this one.

dennis20
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WONDERING...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Oct 31, 2014 4:10 pm

I like WONDERING AND FORGIVING for a title...  Todd and Dennis have x-rayed this poem and it is now cleaner.  I keep reaching for another persona to care, to share in retrospect of this issue.  Would add "punch", "drama."..?  The loneliness I find in reading version #1 is quietly powerful.  I'd like to see this poem again as it progresses.  Thanks for sharing.  Dewell

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Re: Open to suggestions. Trying to put punch in the poem.

Post  Karen on Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:17 pm

I agree with Todd and Dennis on the line breaks.

Pat, I am drawn to the personal and emotional quality of your poem.  When I write this kind of poem, I am almost always satisfied with the emotion in the poem, even if I am not completely satisfied with the structure.  I like recording a clear memory of how I felt.  I like preserving it, and also being able to put it away in a sense.  I liked the feeling of being privy to the woman's doubts, and I connected with them.

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Wondering

Post  Pat on Sat Nov 01, 2014 8:12 am

I know this is not a logical poem.  It is an emotional one.  Most women with cancer have to deal with this illogical, crazy, emotional thought.
Thank you for not discounting it.  Your comments are so helpful.  Appreciate your looking at the structure.  Now to look at that aspect closely.  Grandchildren are here this weekend, so it must wait until Monday.   Again, I appreciate you guys.

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Re: Open to suggestions. Trying to put punch in the poem.

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