The Last Friday

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    Open to suggestions. Trying to put punch in the poem.

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    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Open to suggestions. Trying to put punch in the poem.

    Post  Pat on Wed Oct 29, 2014 3:47 pm

                   Wondering

     

    The woman lies in bed waiting for

    the black sky to turn dark blue. 

     

    She stays perfectly put

    wanting to revert back to

     

    a season of lights, red poinsettias,

    jingling bells.  

     

    A great weight sits on her chest. 

    She turns and resettles.

     

    Smoothing back brown hair,

    she wonders where she’ll find

     

    the courage to brave confusion

    and to forgive herself

     

    for not setting firm boundaries,

    for allowing

     

    an entangled cancer with horns

    to live inside her body.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Reformatted

    Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:15 am

    Wondering

    The woman lies in bed waiting for
    the black sky to turn dark blue. 

    She stays perfectly put
    wanting to revert back to

    a season of lights, red poinsettias,
    jingling bells.  

    A great weight sits on her chest. 
    She turns and resettles.

    Smoothing back brown hair,
    she wonders where she’ll find

    the courage to brave confusion
    and to forgive herself

    for not setting firm boundaries,
    for allowing

    an entangled cancer with horns
    to live inside her body.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Line Breaks

    Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:24 am

    Pat,  Your line breaks seem random.  I relined the poem to eight syllables.  It's an exercise I learned from Alvarez.  It puts pressure on each line and forces me to look at verbs (mostly).  I *'ed the lines that have an issue with eight syllables.

    Your persona suggests she had a choice with cancer and chose incorrectly.

    Wondering

    The woman lies in bed waiting
    for the black sky to turn dark blue. 
    She stays perfectly put wanting 

    to revert back to a season
    of lights, red poinsettias,* 
    jingling bells.  A great weight sits*

    on her chest.  She turns and resettles.*
    Smoothing back brown hair, she wonders
    where she’ll find the courage to brave

    confusion and to forgive her-
    self for not setting firm boundaries,
    for allowing an entangled 
    cancer with horns to live inside
    her body.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Tis the season

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:41 am

    Pat,  If you are satisfied with Todd's suggestions ( I do like his line breaks better ) then I will offer some words to insert to aid in 8 syllable lines.  "of twinkling lights"  "and jingling bells" "She turns and fidgets" And I can see the thought she had of choice which is enhanced with the choice of seasons in your poem. Think--Naughty or nice--our choice to receive gifts or not.  The threat sticks with us even as adults that "if we'd made other choices." remember, "If ands and buts were beer and nuts," we'd had a grand old time.  I like the pics chosen in this one.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    WONDERING...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Oct 31, 2014 4:10 pm

    I like WONDERING AND FORGIVING for a title...  Todd and Dennis have x-rayed this poem and it is now cleaner.  I keep reaching for another persona to care, to share in retrospect of this issue.  Would add "punch", "drama."..?  The loneliness I find in reading version #1 is quietly powerful.  I'd like to see this poem again as it progresses.  Thanks for sharing.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Open to suggestions. Trying to put punch in the poem.

    Post  Karen on Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:17 pm

    I agree with Todd and Dennis on the line breaks.

    Pat, I am drawn to the personal and emotional quality of your poem.  When I write this kind of poem, I am almost always satisfied with the emotion in the poem, even if I am not completely satisfied with the structure.  I like recording a clear memory of how I felt.  I like preserving it, and also being able to put it away in a sense.  I liked the feeling of being privy to the woman's doubts, and I connected with them.

    Karen

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Wondering

    Post  Pat on Sat Nov 01, 2014 8:12 am

    I know this is not a logical poem.  It is an emotional one.  Most women with cancer have to deal with this illogical, crazy, emotional thought.
    Thank you for not discounting it.  Your comments are so helpful.  Appreciate your looking at the structure.  Now to look at that aspect closely.  Grandchildren are here this weekend, so it must wait until Monday.   Again, I appreciate you guys.

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