The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Is the title enough to connect to the poem in the reader's eye

    Share

    dennis20
    Guest

    Is the title enough to connect to the poem in the reader's eye

    Post  dennis20 on Thu Oct 30, 2014 12:09 pm

    Old Barn
    Dinosaur in departed dew,
    a dusty weathered shell,
    occupants absent, too
     
    unbridled, faded stain
    leaning westward, unshod,
    sway backed with tangled mane
     
    sun-blistered curled tin,
    sallow, raw-grained lumber,
    single shutter falling in
     
    corral gate frozen, broken
    weathervane cock rusted,
    no language spoken.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Much better for me

    Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:12 am

    Dennis

    What about switching the article from line two to line one?

    Second line of stanza four is drawing too much attention for me.  Lots of syllables.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Barn

    Post  Pat on Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:31 am

    Title is perfect in my thinking.  I know exactly what is going to be described. 
    I put the article in front of dinosaur like Todd suggested.  Yep, I like that better.  I probably wouldn't have thought to do that, but I like it better that way.  Smoother.  I like your seeing it as a dinosaur.  In most places, they are. 
    I wonder about just dropping stanza 4.  Not about the barn itself.  Do you require it?  Is it helpful to the poem. 
    Dennis, I am the world's worst at trying to figure out about hyphens.   Might want to double-check falling in. 
    Also, the last word in stanza 1 makes me stumble.  It's location, not the meaning.  Maybe I want to bridle it?   : )   Control it a little more.  : )  Maybe it's fine.  Great imagery.  I can see your barn.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Pat

    Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:35 am

    Smart call dropping stanza four.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Took your advice on the title

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 31, 2014 11:19 am

    Todd and others,  This was the poem I submitted for critique at PRA.  Your comment of title and first line having a connection was the spark this poem needed. I had trouble with "weathervane cock rusted" line, too. I wanted the faded, rusted, weathered look to be the character here.   I may just use "weathervane rusted."  However, I cannot see losing the last stanza since it is a picture one would see. This is more than just a barn.  It is where time has moved on and the dinosaur still stands in its element. I know, I'm not suppose to explain it.  Thanks for ideas and all the support you guys give.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Continuing

    Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 12:53 pm

    Dennis,  I am thinking that the dual meaning is a horse and a barn.  I am not sure that is as satisfying as leaving the poem open more to the reader.


    Last edited by tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 9:54 pm; edited 1 time in total

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    OLD BARN.....

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Oct 31, 2014 1:50 pm

    Old barn held together by cobwebs and memories...  I like your title... rather see barn leaning leeward than westward.  Our west is littered with old barns...
    Poem has too much horse for the title... please clarify: is it about a barn & a horse?  I hope not.  Delete "too"... Delete line one of stanza four because it pulls reader away from this delightful barn poem...  You might give the barn a voice at the end by including the sound/song of the wind in its ribs...  Dennis, I really enjoy the images of this poem.  Old barns are like moon poems for me.  Dewell

    dennis20
    Guest

    Old barns and old horses

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 31, 2014 4:23 pm

    Dewell,  I have an affinity for old barns.  This poem was aimed at the shell not the guts and glory of what it meant through the years. Just merely what is left standing and huddles against the winds of time. Below is one I wrote which holds the feeling you want.

    Finally Stable
     
    Above the leaning double door,
    a horseshoe clings to a bent nail—
    an epitaph on a mausoleum.
    A cracked collar hangs in the hall
    like a sepia oval photo,
    too dingy to reveal faces in the frame.
     
    Weathered tin-roof creaks out and in
    with moon and wind.  Eerie voices
    in the rafters echo laughter of yesteryear
    and dusty straw holds children
    looking out knotholes
    into the future.  There, the first kiss and
    shared cigarette-on-a-dare still vibrates,
    but only on spider webs.
     
    Leather harness on the wall,
    horse-shaped, throws up ears and listens
    for distant hoof beats,
    ready for “Ole Dan” and work time.
    Clip-clops answer to “giddy-up”
    as summer breeze stirs sweat and horseflies.
     
    The brawny chest of an anvil in a dusty corner
    awaits ringing strokes of a heavy hammer
    shaping sharpness to shoes and plow
    while the oil on farrier’s workbench,
    stains oak in dank and musk.
     
    A treasure tin holds arrow heads,
    an agate, and a tiny, frazzled trout hook
    open to the air of suggestion of its owner.
     
    The swaybacked barn makes its bed
    with the rest of the dead in the bone yard;
    the spine of the falling fence, the dry throat
    of the loading chute, and the ribs of the hay rake,
    all buried in tall, brown grass
    that waves goodbye.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    YESSSSS!!!! Sweetness

    Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 9:54 pm

    I may have used that title before but I'm sticking to it.  Beautiful.
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    last verse of Finally Stable

    Post  Karen on Sat Nov 01, 2014 5:35 am

    Perfection!

    dennis20
    Guest

    Thoughts are in and mine as well

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Nov 01, 2014 10:33 am

    Along with your thoughts, I thought the last stanza could use the sutble change I added. Just a little tweeking. Any thoughts?

    Old Barn

    A dinosaur in departed dew,
    dusty weathered shell,
    occupants absent, too

    unbridled, faded stain
    hobbling leeward, unshod,
    swaybacked with tangled mane

    sun-blistered, curled tin,
    sallow, raw-grained lumber,
    single shutter, falling in

    weathervane broken,
    corral gate rusted, 
    no language spoken
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Dennis

    Post  tsukany on Sat Nov 01, 2014 10:52 am

    Works nicely for me.

    Sponsored content

    Re: Is the title enough to connect to the poem in the reader's eye

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Wed Sep 26, 2018 2:06 am