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Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 23, 2014 7:45 am

WOMAN AS WINDOW SHADE

Lower your shade  ("shade" is in the title.  You can find a synonym for this first line)
Carefully.
Preserve your privacy.  (Preserve could come from the vocabulary of "shades and draperies")
You must be safely shuttered,
Tucked away, secure, unseen.
Draw the shade  (Stanza break might lessen the redundancy of the shade already being down in line one)
Carefully
To meet the sill,
Lest it flap and clatter,
Roll and snap and coil tightly overhead,  (I am a fan of multiple "ands" thought the last one could start a new line)
Revealing everything.  (fine/fitting ending!)
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Woman as Window Shade redux...Woman as Window Blind

Post  Karen on Sun Nov 23, 2014 3:51 pm

I'm a hard sell on eliminating redundancy, but I'm hoping to keep an open mind.  I have a taste for it and keep coming back.  I like the changes from the world of shades and drapes.  As always, I appreciate fresh eyes and good direction!  Comma after "snap" in the next to the last line?  I'm not sure.  I want the reader to gain momentum, just like a window shade does.  I'm trying on the "and" for size in the last line.

WOMAN AS WINDOW BLIND

Lower your shade 
Carefully.
Shutter your privacy.
You must be safely curtained,
Tucked away, secure, unseen.

Draw the shade 
Carefully
To meet the sill,
Lest it flap and clatter,
Roll and snap and coil tightly overhead 
And reveal everything.

Karen

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My apologies

Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:09 pm

I mashed the wrong button:  Grabbed the New Post rather than Reply to Post.  Thus we have another thread.  My bad.  I realized it as I did it again THIS TIME!  I have made it difficult to follow the original poem.  !@#!@$#

I agree with Dennis to lose the gender in the title (now "blind" can be a noun or adjective).  I am also clearing up my communication error (hopefully) about the end of the poem.

AT A WINDOW BLIND

Lower your shade  
carefully.
Shutter your privacy.
You must be safely curtained,  (could be ONE or lose the pronoun altogether)
tucked away, secure, unseen.

Draw the shade  
carefully
to meet the sill,
lest it flap and clatter,
roll and snap 
and coil tightly overhead,  
revealing everything.
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Re: Comments below

Post  Karen on Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:31 pm

Now the "and" appeals to me!  After hearing your thoughts and Dennis', I'm inclined to lose the gender in the title.  I like the possible double meaning of blind.  I'm also thinking about BLIND AT WINDOW.  Good grief, I'm about to grind this poem to a grease spot.

WINDOW BLIND

Lower your shade  
Carefully.
Shutter your privacy.
You must be safely curtained,  
Tucked away, secure, unseen.

Draw the shade  
Carefully
To meet the sill,
Lest it flap and clatter,
Roll and snap 
and coil tightly overhead,  
revealing everything.

Karen

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Roll, Roll, Roll, your...

Post  dennis20 on Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:45 pm

Karen,  This is how you grow.  Seeing from other eyes helps.  It may not change your mind but it shows the different avenues that open up.  Good poems grow from pruning.  Keep going.

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Nice poem

Post  Pat on Mon Nov 24, 2014 12:05 pm

Karen, I don't know how many times I struggled with pull down window shades.  Plenty.  The metaphor is a good one.  I love all the clattering and snapping sounds.  Do you draw a curtain and pull a shade?  That's how we did it at my house.  In line 4, I don't think you need You must. . . . It is in second person, so the you is inferred.  (Be safely. . . )  I like the last line reading:   (revealing everything.)  Opinions here, but it is your poem. 
Good job.

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