The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Comments below

    Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 23, 2014 7:45 am

    WOMAN AS WINDOW SHADE

    Lower your shade  ("shade" is in the title.  You can find a synonym for this first line)
    Carefully.
    Preserve your privacy.  (Preserve could come from the vocabulary of "shades and draperies")
    You must be safely shuttered,
    Tucked away, secure, unseen.
    Draw the shade  (Stanza break might lessen the redundancy of the shade already being down in line one)
    Carefully
    To meet the sill,
    Lest it flap and clatter,
    Roll and snap and coil tightly overhead,  (I am a fan of multiple "ands" thought the last one could start a new line)
    Revealing everything.  (fine/fitting ending!)

    Karen

    Posts : 282
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Woman as Window Shade redux...Woman as Window Blind

    Post  Karen on Sun Nov 23, 2014 3:51 pm

    I'm a hard sell on eliminating redundancy, but I'm hoping to keep an open mind.  I have a taste for it and keep coming back.  I like the changes from the world of shades and drapes.  As always, I appreciate fresh eyes and good direction!  Comma after "snap" in the next to the last line?  I'm not sure.  I want the reader to gain momentum, just like a window shade does.  I'm trying on the "and" for size in the last line.

    WOMAN AS WINDOW BLIND

    Lower your shade 
    Carefully.
    Shutter your privacy.
    You must be safely curtained,
    Tucked away, secure, unseen.

    Draw the shade 
    Carefully
    To meet the sill,
    Lest it flap and clatter,
    Roll and snap and coil tightly overhead 
    And reveal everything.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    My apologies

    Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:09 pm

    I mashed the wrong button:  Grabbed the New Post rather than Reply to Post.  Thus we have another thread.  My bad.  I realized it as I did it again THIS TIME!  I have made it difficult to follow the original poem.  !@#!@$#

    I agree with Dennis to lose the gender in the title (now "blind" can be a noun or adjective).  I am also clearing up my communication error (hopefully) about the end of the poem.

    AT A WINDOW BLIND

    Lower your shade  
    carefully.
    Shutter your privacy.
    You must be safely curtained,  (could be ONE or lose the pronoun altogether)
    tucked away, secure, unseen.

    Draw the shade  
    carefully
    to meet the sill,
    lest it flap and clatter,
    roll and snap 
    and coil tightly overhead,  
    revealing everything.

    Karen

    Posts : 282
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Comments below

    Post  Karen on Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:31 pm

    Now the "and" appeals to me!  After hearing your thoughts and Dennis', I'm inclined to lose the gender in the title.  I like the possible double meaning of blind.  I'm also thinking about BLIND AT WINDOW.  Good grief, I'm about to grind this poem to a grease spot.

    WINDOW BLIND

    Lower your shade  
    Carefully.
    Shutter your privacy.
    You must be safely curtained,  
    Tucked away, secure, unseen.

    Draw the shade  
    Carefully
    To meet the sill,
    Lest it flap and clatter,
    Roll and snap 
    and coil tightly overhead,  
    revealing everything.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Roll, Roll, Roll, your...

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:45 pm

    Karen,  This is how you grow.  Seeing from other eyes helps.  It may not change your mind but it shows the different avenues that open up.  Good poems grow from pruning.  Keep going.

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Nice poem

    Post  Pat on Mon Nov 24, 2014 12:05 pm

    Karen, I don't know how many times I struggled with pull down window shades.  Plenty.  The metaphor is a good one.  I love all the clattering and snapping sounds.  Do you draw a curtain and pull a shade?  That's how we did it at my house.  In line 4, I don't think you need You must. . . . It is in second person, so the you is inferred.  (Be safely. . . )  I like the last line reading:   (revealing everything.)  Opinions here, but it is your poem. 
    Good job.

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