Suspicions

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Suspicions

Post  Pat on Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:43 am

Suspicions



After we take our last breath

here upon this earth,

no matter if

the body remains a lump

or transforms into

a pile of ashes,

I suspect

the spirit lingers

momentarily

and hovers over the ones

who mourn our leaving.

Perhaps we hesitate

to hurry on to the next world

because we want to cover

those sweet ones with comfort

the way we once pulled

a blue blanket up and over

their shoulders

on cold wintry nights.

I suspect

those who grieve

may sense

our ghostly presence

for a while,

though we can no longer

link birdy words

or touch glances.



But that quiet light—

no denying how

it filters down

through amorous clouds.



Pat Durmon, 2011

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Response to Suspicions

Post  tsukany on Mon Nov 28, 2011 6:24 am

Pat,

Nice offering. I did expect it to take me somewhere new, though.

I don't know how to process "birdy words" and a google search didn't help me either.

Some of your line breaks seemed random (you end a line with "into"). I just read an article on line breaks that suggests we avoid breaking prepositional phrases.

Maybe an extended metaphor would help it punch or surprise the reader along the journey. I would hope that it would be a subtle metaphor so as not to disturb the quiet tone of the poem.

Blessings and gratitude

Todd
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 519
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Suspicions

Post  Pat on Mon Nov 28, 2011 8:04 am

Hmmmm. birdy words was a way to say little words, but I can see how it is not clear. I can believe it is not in google. : )

I use to be careful with prepositional phrases, so I need to hear what you read. I've probably been reading too many new edge poems. . . .where they just break it. I may need to reread several of my later poems and see what I've done there. Thank you.

An extended metaphor. Now, I'll have to think on that one, but it sounds right-on to me.

Thank you. Your feedback . . . very helpful.

Pat

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Suspicions

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum