The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Suspicions

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    Pat

    Posts : 620
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Suspicions

    Post  Pat on Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:43 am

    Suspicions



    After we take our last breath

    here upon this earth,

    no matter if

    the body remains a lump

    or transforms into

    a pile of ashes,

    I suspect

    the spirit lingers

    momentarily

    and hovers over the ones

    who mourn our leaving.

    Perhaps we hesitate

    to hurry on to the next world

    because we want to cover

    those sweet ones with comfort

    the way we once pulled

    a blue blanket up and over

    their shoulders

    on cold wintry nights.

    I suspect

    those who grieve

    may sense

    our ghostly presence

    for a while,

    though we can no longer

    link birdy words

    or touch glances.



    But that quiet light—

    no denying how

    it filters down

    through amorous clouds.



    Pat Durmon, 2011
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    tsukany

    Posts : 586
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Response to Suspicions

    Post  tsukany on Mon Nov 28, 2011 6:24 am

    Pat,

    Nice offering. I did expect it to take me somewhere new, though.

    I don't know how to process "birdy words" and a google search didn't help me either.

    Some of your line breaks seemed random (you end a line with "into"). I just read an article on line breaks that suggests we avoid breaking prepositional phrases.

    Maybe an extended metaphor would help it punch or surprise the reader along the journey. I would hope that it would be a subtle metaphor so as not to disturb the quiet tone of the poem.

    Blessings and gratitude

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 620
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Suspicions

    Post  Pat on Mon Nov 28, 2011 8:04 am

    Hmmmm. birdy words was a way to say little words, but I can see how it is not clear. I can believe it is not in google. : )

    I use to be careful with prepositional phrases, so I need to hear what you read. I've probably been reading too many new edge poems. . . .where they just break it. I may need to reread several of my later poems and see what I've done there. Thank you.

    An extended metaphor. Now, I'll have to think on that one, but it sounds right-on to me.

    Thank you. Your feedback . . . very helpful.

    Pat

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