The Last Friday

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    Not glad you posted early

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    dennis20
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    Not glad you posted early

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Nov 23, 2014 3:50 pm

    I've been deer hunting so was blindsided by the early posting,  BUT, not to worry, have been writing in the stand and staying current. Any suggestions?

    Scene at a Synogogue

    A clash of faiths--
    Four sacrifices at an altar
    Two more offered at front door--
    One God or two awaits

    Breaking television coverage:
    Bitterness preempts 
    children's programing.
    Two homes to be razed.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    We LOVE punctuation this month (or at least to address it)

    Post  tsukany on Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:16 pm

    I took it as two scenes.  However, the lack of punctuation at the end of stanza one allows the god(s) to await an inevitable interruption of their "children's programming."  Is that intentional?

    Could the last line be present tense and then the reader would be watching the scene on TV?  As it is, the passive voice suggests a future burning rather than current/interrupting cartoons or the specific show you had in mind.

    I keep thinking this is more than one scene (apart from the title)

    Good one, Dennis.

    dennis20
    Guest

    method to the madness

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:39 pm

    Yes, I left off punctuation at the end of the first stanza purposely so it could be read either way.  And I could make the ending verb present rather than passive, but that was what was announced on the tv. It is two scenes, but with modern news coverage being what it is, how quickly we find news media on the scene.  It was a bloody scene, but the news media went for the gory to magnify the bitterness between the two peoples and while preempting daytime tv.  Disgusting.  I had thought of separating the last line completely and let it stand on its own.

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    So this one made me, the reader, take a flying leap. . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Nov 24, 2014 12:32 pm

    Okay, I'm just taking this one line at a time. 
    Title:  maybe if you wanted to lose two words:  Synagogue (spelling?) Scene ?  So it's Jewish?  Is this like in old testament times?  when they sacrificed lambs and bulls on altars?  As you can tell, I know little:  only that the Jews believe in God, not Jesus, as holy.  So, I'm not sure about any of the meaning.   2nd stanza:  programming (spelling).  Two homes to be razed/ destroyed/ wrecked.  Hmmmmm.  I would make it present tense.
    Dennis, I see that both stanzas have sacrifices, but I wonder if you may have two poems here.  I didn't leap very well, did I?  Sorry. 
    I get the second stanza better than the first.  More info, maybe?  I do like the double meaning of programming.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Has to be modern, it was on the breaking news

    Post  dennis20 on Tue Nov 25, 2014 3:07 pm

    Pat,  Recently four Jewish people including two Rabbis were killed in a synagogue In Jerusalem by two Palestinians youths and those two were killed by the police when they tried to come out the front doors.  This breaking news interrupted daytime programming in the afternoon to show and tell us the gory details. Blood everywhere. Later the news said that Netanyahu, the Israeli president announced the houses of both of these would be razed.  Hence the thoughts.

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Okay, and with that information

    Post  Pat on Tue Nov 25, 2014 4:01 pm

    I get it.  I can make the leap.  It is so hard when we make them short.  Just so much space to pack big info into.  I guess that is the challenge.  I can see why the interruption of the program made such an impact on you.   Like a loud boom in the middle of a serene day.  Life and death.  Sacrifices.  Both sides making sacrifices.  Sad.  Back to making sweet potato and chocolate pies.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 351
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    INTERESTING POEM, DENNIS

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Nov 29, 2014 11:07 am

    Very current.  I, too, saw this immediate coverage.  Yes, separate the last line... and maybe make it houses, not two houses.  One God or two... try more instead of two.  Also, delete... two... in last line of the poem.  I like present tense.  I have a need to see the action more personal but I don't know how to get that concept into the poem... maybe a one-line-bridge between S one and S two??  A thought provoking poem.  Dewell

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