DAVID... my brother

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DAVID... my brother

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Nov 27, 2014 12:07 pm

I was five when pneumonia took my seven year old brother DAVID.  The memories are still fresh.  I attempted to capture some of them in this, one of my earliest poems written at age 72.  And now eleven years later I remain uncertain about the ending.  Perhaps you can help.  Also you may note that punctuation is not my forte'.  Dewell

DAVID

Everyone hushed about the house;
family, friends, neighbors

as if speaking above a whisper
might awaken him.

Cold wind whined under watery skies,
whispered through clapboard cracks.

Small children sought shelter
in the corner behind the Franklin stove.

Preacher brought a wooden box, black book.
Everybody wore clean clothes, shiny shoes.

Folks brought Sunday food, hugs, tears,
muffled voices, songs soft and low.

David became seven forever
that gray November day.

Years have softened the images,
soothed the hurt in my heart.

OR end stanza could be...

His memory wanders around in my
heart like it owns the place.

Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

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Dewell

Post  tsukany on Sat Nov 29, 2014 10:19 am

Well done.  I can't show you my first poem.  It sticks.  Smile

I have a couple small comments or comments about small things:  "about" in the first line leads me to "don't talk of the house" rather than "remain silent or hushed"  I would cut Day off the November line.  I like the last stanza best.  I might suggest that line begins "He wanders around . . . . "
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Hi Dewell

Post  Pat on Sat Nov 29, 2014 5:54 pm

I like the last ending and Todd's remarks about it.
Maybe "inside" instead of about the house which can be misread.  You lose the assonance, but you gain clarity.
I like:  watery skies, clean clothes shiny shoes, Sunday food/hugs/tears, seven forever.
If (last lines) he wanders, then it's active like the poem.
I can picture this in my mind easily.
Nice job.  Thanks for sharing this:  so dear to the heart.

Pat

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