Is the humor subtle and other comments you may have

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Is the humor subtle and other comments you may have

Post  dennis20 on Sat Dec 20, 2014 12:05 am

A Shooting Star
 
A heaven filled with stars and shooting lights,
(deep blossomed hush displayed across the sky)
can lift two beating hearts on August nights,
to pledge a bond as stars go pulsing by.
The heads and hearts and hands there in the dark
where love in humor worthy of its name
ignites a fire from innocence, a spark
that’s fanned by breath until it burst in flame.
Upon the path of comets people choose
where waning dreams at midnight makes them pale.
They base their lives together and the news
can shock and awe them later when they fail.
Science later will reveal the trouble,
Their pledge, a vow, made on cosmic rubble.

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Re: Is the humor subtle and other comments you may have

Post  Karen on Sat Dec 20, 2014 1:54 pm

The humor caught me by surprise, so yes! it was subtle enough for me.  My second reading was aloud and I liked it even more.  Fun to read it a little tongue-in-cheek.  It would be interesting to watch an audience hearing that kind of reading.
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I am a lobbyist today

Post  tsukany on Sat Dec 20, 2014 2:38 pm

Dennis

My lobby is for stanzas.  

I got bogged down by the repetition of stars in the first several lines. 

I felt like (and still do) I missed the insider joke on this one.  I think it's somewhere around "worthy of its name" and the tag at the end "cosmic rubble." 

I look forward to a peek into the humor as others comment.
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I wish upon a star tonight...

Post  dennis20 on Sat Dec 20, 2014 5:00 pm

Todd,  This may clear it up a little for you. I know presentation plays a part in interpretation, more sometimes than others. And I did intend for humor to be subtle--at first. Then it should bite you--in the end.  I am glad you noticed the over use of stars. I didn't.  But I agree with you.  Thanks Sonnet


A Shooting Star
 
A heaven filled with stars and shooting lights,
(deep blossomed hush displayed across the sky)
can lift two beating hearts on August nights,
to pledge a bond as stars go pulsing by.

The heads and hearts and hands there in the dark
where love in humor worthy of its name
ignites a fire from innocence, a spark
that’s fanned by breath until it burst in flame.

Upon the path of comets people choose
where waning dreams at midnight makes them pale.
They base their lives together and the news
can shock and awe them later when they fail.
   Science later will reveal the trouble,
   Their pledge, a vow, made on cosmic rubble.

dennis20
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A SHOOTING STAR

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Dec 22, 2014 11:38 am

Dennis, I like the subtle humor... saw it early on... wanted to read it to an audience with my head askance... Yea, too many stars... also stars pushed seems inconsistent... Yes, stanzas, please... helps the reader and gives a different emphasis to key images.  As to title... try "A FALLING STAR."  I read this poem to my wife and she gave me the cookie spatula... without comment.
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A Shooting Star

Post  Pat on Mon Dec 22, 2014 3:32 pm

I had the advantage of reading it spaced into stanzas.  Better.  Helpful.  I like wishing on stars, so I got into  it.   Subtle humor, yes.  And romantic.  : )  I love the last two lines.   And stars are far more important than any vow?  Stars fall and fail, so I guess it's no surprise we do the same.   You guys who do sonnets, my hat is off to you!   Good job, Dennis.

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