meaning and syllables

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meaning and syllables

Post  Pat on Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:13 pm

    a secret message


came through the still-life
of rounded apples
in the green fruit bowl:
a tiny dark spot
on one red beauty


the painter knew life
was temporary


so sure, he painted
a speck of black rot
on ripe and seamless
skin

Pat

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The age of plastic fruit--with dust on it, of course

Post  dennis20 on Sat Dec 20, 2014 7:35 pm

Pat,  Beautifully done!  You have strained so hard to get 5 feet in each line. I like it.  I would like to see two things. First, start with a capital letter.  I think a written thought deserves--rather demands it.  It shows respect for the work put into the thought.  Second, since you decided to live by the foot I feel you must die by the foot. This means do something with the ending. If you had started with a single syllable line it would be okay to end with one. You didn't. You were so careful to show us great ability in presenting a thought as well as a form. You even asked for it in your subject line.  Finish it. Something like "on smooth ripened skin"

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open mouth insert foot

Post  dennis20 on Sat Dec 20, 2014 8:13 pm

Pat, I said foot and I meant syllable. 5 syllables per line is what you used except in the last line.  Got too fast for my own good.  I smell the cookies. (private joke to those wondering what I mean.)

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I like it

Post  tsukany on Sun Dec 21, 2014 6:09 am

Pat

I like it.  I think you offer strong "tells" in the first and second stanzas; I'm not sure that is a bad thing.  It reduces the surprise of the ending.  I would send it out for publishing as is.  

I am wondering if the title is true, though.  The artist kept the secret for the viewer to discover.  The poet "gossiped."  Smile
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Meaning and syllll...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Dec 22, 2014 12:00 pm

Pat, my computer presents your poem in black script on a black background... I can't read it!
If you will send me your poem inside an email I'll critique it for you.  Sorry.  I can't figure this out.  Other's poems show as white script on black background.  Go figure?
 Thanks, Dewell.

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My change

Post  tsukany on Mon Dec 22, 2014 12:16 pm

a secret message


came through the still-life
of rounded apples
in the green fruit bowl:
a tiny dark spot
on one red beauty

the painter knew life
was temporary
 
so sure, he painted
a speck of black rot
on ripe and seamless
skin
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tsukany

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a secret message

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Dec 22, 2014 1:24 pm

I like the lower case use in this quiet poem.  Poem doesn't get "loud" until second/third reading.
My spouse has taken up painting and she finds little quirks in life previously unapparent.  The
form you use is reader-friendly and I like your breaking the pattern with the last line... where else could you get such emphasis?  Images are clear, clean and specific... not much mystery until near poem's end.  Well done, Pat.  Thanks for sharing.  Dewell

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Re: meaning and syllables

Post  Karen on Mon Dec 22, 2014 5:17 pm

I do like this image.  All of you keep me thinking.  Thank you for helping me change the way I observe.

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Thank you!

Post  Pat on Tue Dec 23, 2014 5:38 am

I'm rereading your comments.  (grands are asleep)  Thank you.  Helpful and fun to hear.   You always make me think whether I change a word of the poem or not (which I usually do.  Smile  
I'm going to try a test with this poem and see how it transfers.  Todd, I like the new look here.  Just ignore my pasting the poem again.  I just need to see if it works.  Thanks again for your input.

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Re: meaning and syllables

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