thoughts about this?

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thoughts about this?

Post  dennis20 on Thu Jan 29, 2015 7:03 pm

The Drama of Winter

A farmer looked out at the day
through kitchen windows
while coffee perked;
 
bleak sky bathed in shifting shades of gray;
stick-figures leaned into the wind as shaggy-
bellied clouds rumbled over contours; and
five crows on wing out-raced their caws
as they sailed on the sharp edge of the wind.
 
But below, a soft, white carpet reminds
the kid in his heart of the majesty.

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How about more drama?

Post  Pat on Fri Jan 30, 2015 12:05 pm

Immediately, I expect drama.  Title.
The farmer is looking and coffee is perking. No drama inside the house.
Connecting all thoughts/sentences/strophes with ;  Interesting.  New to me.  Okay, but new, so I was immediately looking at form instead of reading for meaning.
The drama is outside and in the sky?  Nature.  What if you used present tense?  Just to help us be there, feel the drama, see what you see.  I'm fixated on the word drama, I guess. 
"Sharp edge"  of wind.  I think of "cutting".  That sounds dramatic.  Might want to add even more drama.

Then, the contrast of soft and white to the previous strophe.  Title does not prepare me for this part.  I sort of want both in the title:  something like "Overhead and In the Heart" or "Overhead and On the Ground".  Then, it's okay, I think, to go both places.  Otherwise, the last two lines seem extra like a post script.  I don't really need that info unless you prepare me.  I think it's all about the title.

Not sure any of this is helpful.  Just what grabbed me.  Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Good one

Post  tsukany on Fri Jan 30, 2015 2:19 pm

Dennis

For me the third line holds more energy than the first line of the first stanza.  I lobby for a switch; then the window and the scene are next to each other.  I think the last stanza is meant to be outside (describing snow) but the persona is inside so the white becomes carpet in the kitchen.

I really like the "shaggy-bellied clouds" but "as" can be used to create a simile making "shaggy-bellied" an adjective of "wind."

I think Pat is correct in noting the shift in tense from stanza one to last.  Present tense is my preference too.
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The Drama of Winter

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jan 31, 2015 3:23 pm

I like those CAW lines!
Present tense for the entire poem, please... that way I can join you.
If you want to add drama, put some footprints, human or beast, in that carpet of snow leading away, away,...
Yes, and get the snow out of the kitchen.
Great poem, Dennis.  I can hear this poem... even the silent sound of snow.  Dewell

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Re: thoughts about this?

Post  Karen on Sat Jan 31, 2015 4:40 pm

I am with Dewey on the crows.  Out-raced their caws.  I love that! 

I also vote present tense.
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Re: thoughts about this?

Post  Karen on Sat Jan 31, 2015 4:44 pm

Dewell, I just referred to you as Dewey, my apologies.  My week is fraught with unintentional typing.  Thank goodness there is no auto-correct on the forum or I would be completely flummoxed.
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Trying to keep abreast on the snow

Post  dennis20 on Sat Jan 31, 2015 8:25 pm

I am trying to rewrite without giving up the picture first intended



A Heart Makes Adjustments

While coffee perks,
a farmer looks out at the day
through kitchen windows;

bleak sky rides in shrouds of shifting grey;
stick-figures which lean into the wind as shaggy-
bellied clouds rumbles over contours; and
five crows on wing out-races their caws, 
they sail on the sharp edge of the wind.

Beneath it all, covering the road,
the fence, the ditch, soft white 
reminds him of the majesty.

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I jiggled it some more. . . .

Post  Pat on Mon Feb 02, 2015 9:03 am

Dennis, I'd eliminate which in S 2, line 2:  put leaning.   Rumble or rumbles?  Out-race is a great verb, but is it out-races or out-race?  In S 3:  I'd put the snow in the first line so the reader stays with you:  soft white covers. . . .ditch reminding him . . . .  Just something to consider.  

Glad you eliminated the word carpet. 

Dennis, on such a short poem, I think it is easy to overedit.  Every word counts. 
I like it in present tense.

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Two many s's ruin the pudding

Post  dennis20 on Mon Feb 02, 2015 11:02 am

Pat, Yes I didn't reread and the verbs--some should have singular and some plural.  My bad.  Thank you.  I usually edit my poetry everytime I reread.  I don't know if it is just me or if I am able to see better as I distance myself from the work.  Anyway, thanks for all the help from you guys.  It helps alot.

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