Long poem but few sentences.

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Long poem but few sentences.

Post  tsukany on Thu Feb 26, 2015 7:55 pm

Even That Day

I should have realized
back then in the beginning,
that day when you brought
the Jones’ refrigerator box
into our tiny apartment
and moved it into our bedroom

as your office, hanging poems
inside, near the lamp
and milk-crate desk,
hanging drafts on those corrugated walls,
masking taped there
like something holding together
your lettered soul.  

I should have dealt with
the glow on your face
then, rather than fake
sharing a dream
you carried,
effortlessly and alone.  

I should have welcomed
the solitary confinement
of your passion and you
continued filling watercolor-paper books
even while the judge deliberated
our future.

--Todd Sukany 24 Feb 2015


Last edited by tsukany on Fri Feb 27, 2015 5:46 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Was it all in one day?

Post  dennis20 on Fri Feb 27, 2015 3:18 pm

Todd,  It does have long lines and I do get lost.  For instance, did I miss what you should have known?  A lot of things happened on that day "you moved the fridge into our bedroom/your office." I hope there is just one too many "intos" in that line or did "you move into the fridge?"
It also reads that "hanging poems inside" could be inside the fridge as well. 

Of course, I commandeered your picture in jest. 

I often write lines that are long and they can cause confusion.  Not in the mind of the writer since he knows his thoughts, but maybe to the reader since he doesn't have the story behind the poem. 

I do question, however, if there is one "into" in the line too many or should there be a comma after the first "into?"

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oops

Post  tsukany on Fri Feb 27, 2015 5:50 pm

Dennis,

that was a late revision.  Still, I doubt I'd have caught it.  It took me several reads before I was able to focus.  I believe I killed one of the two intos.

thanks and sorry about that.  There are bigger weeds than that one to be yanked, though that one was a doozy.
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Responding to Even That Day

Post  Pat on Fri Feb 27, 2015 8:31 pm

I'm loving it.  You let your mind run like her desperations ran.   To move a refrigerator box in and call it an office.  Desperate.  Creative and desperate act of saying how important it is.  I like that it was the Jones' ref. box.  : )   Personal.  Lettered soul:  lovely.  Glow on face:   makes me smile.  Glow sounds happy and he admits he didn't deal with it.  Powerful:  effortlessly and alone.  Awareness.  The repetition of I should have:   he knows he is guilty. . . . he shoulds on himself. 
I struggle with the last stanza.  I understand the meaning:  it's how you say it that presents a struggle for me.  Maybe it's telling?  What if you said,  I should have given you a room of your own where you could meditate and create with watercolors . . . a passion at work even while the
judge. . . .  

!st person.  No puzzle here for me.  I follow this. I like that it is flowing like the mind.  Like stream of consciousness.  Good job.

I like the title too.   It becomes part of the poem.

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EVEN THAT DAY....

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Feb 28, 2015 11:56 am

Yeah... there are some long breaths in this poem.  That doesn't bother me.  I love the poem.  Nicely done.  And the subject, too.  It doesn't matter what the Judge says, there is still that feeling of guilt... I should have... and a momentary helplessness.  I agree with Dennis about the time element... breaking it up with some periods might help the reader get a sense of time/events.
I love the frig box, orange crate stuff.  Sure takes me back to that first year... Dewell

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Re: Long poem but few sentences.

Post  Karen on Sat Feb 28, 2015 12:58 pm

This is a strong story, and I like the way it jumps in, as if we are already aware there is trouble.  The remorse grabbed me in the back of the throat.

Something bugs me in that last stanza.  I get a little unsure of the meaning.  I want to say

I should have welcomed
the solitary confinement
of your passion.
You continued filling watercolor-paper books
even while the judge deliberated
our future.

But I don't know if that's what you mean.
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