The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Long poem but few sentences.

    Share
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Long poem but few sentences.

    Post  tsukany on Thu Feb 26, 2015 7:55 pm

    Even That Day

    I should have realized
    back then in the beginning,
    that day when you brought
    the Jones’ refrigerator box
    into our tiny apartment
    and moved it into our bedroom

    as your office, hanging poems
    inside, near the lamp
    and milk-crate desk,
    hanging drafts on those corrugated walls,
    masking taped there
    like something holding together
    your lettered soul.  

    I should have dealt with
    the glow on your face
    then, rather than fake
    sharing a dream
    you carried,
    effortlessly and alone.  

    I should have welcomed
    the solitary confinement
    of your passion and you
    continued filling watercolor-paper books
    even while the judge deliberated
    our future.

    --Todd Sukany 24 Feb 2015


    Last edited by tsukany on Fri Feb 27, 2015 5:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

    dennis20
    Guest

    Was it all in one day?

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Feb 27, 2015 3:18 pm

    Todd,  It does have long lines and I do get lost.  For instance, did I miss what you should have known?  A lot of things happened on that day "you moved the fridge into our bedroom/your office." I hope there is just one too many "intos" in that line or did "you move into the fridge?"
    It also reads that "hanging poems inside" could be inside the fridge as well. 

    Of course, I commandeered your picture in jest. 

    I often write lines that are long and they can cause confusion.  Not in the mind of the writer since he knows his thoughts, but maybe to the reader since he doesn't have the story behind the poem. 

    I do question, however, if there is one "into" in the line too many or should there be a comma after the first "into?"
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    oops

    Post  tsukany on Fri Feb 27, 2015 5:50 pm

    Dennis,

    that was a late revision.  Still, I doubt I'd have caught it.  It took me several reads before I was able to focus.  I believe I killed one of the two intos.

    thanks and sorry about that.  There are bigger weeds than that one to be yanked, though that one was a doozy.

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Responding to Even That Day

    Post  Pat on Fri Feb 27, 2015 8:31 pm

    I'm loving it.  You let your mind run like her desperations ran.   To move a refrigerator box in and call it an office.  Desperate.  Creative and desperate act of saying how important it is.  I like that it was the Jones' ref. box.  : )   Personal.  Lettered soul:  lovely.  Glow on face:   makes me smile.  Glow sounds happy and he admits he didn't deal with it.  Powerful:  effortlessly and alone.  Awareness.  The repetition of I should have:   he knows he is guilty. . . . he shoulds on himself. 
    I struggle with the last stanza.  I understand the meaning:  it's how you say it that presents a struggle for me.  Maybe it's telling?  What if you said,  I should have given you a room of your own where you could meditate and create with watercolors . . . a passion at work even while the
    judge. . . .  

    !st person.  No puzzle here for me.  I follow this. I like that it is flowing like the mind.  Like stream of consciousness.  Good job.

    I like the title too.   It becomes part of the poem.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    EVEN THAT DAY....

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Feb 28, 2015 11:56 am

    Yeah... there are some long breaths in this poem.  That doesn't bother me.  I love the poem.  Nicely done.  And the subject, too.  It doesn't matter what the Judge says, there is still that feeling of guilt... I should have... and a momentary helplessness.  I agree with Dennis about the time element... breaking it up with some periods might help the reader get a sense of time/events.
    I love the frig box, orange crate stuff.  Sure takes me back to that first year... Dewell
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Long poem but few sentences.

    Post  Karen on Sat Feb 28, 2015 12:58 pm

    This is a strong story, and I like the way it jumps in, as if we are already aware there is trouble.  The remorse grabbed me in the back of the throat.

    Something bugs me in that last stanza.  I get a little unsure of the meaning.  I want to say

    I should have welcomed
    the solitary confinement
    of your passion.
    You continued filling watercolor-paper books
    even while the judge deliberated
    our future.

    But I don't know if that's what you mean.

    Sponsored content

    Re: Long poem but few sentences.

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Wed Sep 26, 2018 1:24 am