The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    A Fretful Barn Swallow

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    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    A Fretful Barn Swallow

    Post  Pat on Fri Feb 27, 2015 9:52 am

    Struggled with the closure esp.  Open to any thoughts/suggestions you might have.  You helped me sooooo much with my raccoon poem last month.  I thank you for that. 



    A Fretful Barn Swallow

    Strangely, the swallow
    was trapped in our laundry room
    between the washer and window.
    No big racket.  Only bursts
    of its body fluttered up, a soft thud
    against a pane, then the falling.
    Up and down it went, over and over
    like an airbrush.  The captive
    rode the window with purpose.
    A pert bird but fretful.

    The hammer-hearted bird
    sporting a deeply forked tail
    fought for its freedom.

    In one swoop, I covered it
    with a white towel, scooped it up
    and cupped it close until we
    were outside.  There, my fingers
    relaxed, and the bird turned into
    an adept aerialist
    rippling its way to a pole barn
    where it would find feathers,
    hay, divine light.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I'm being KOOSER'ed

    Post  tsukany on Fri Feb 27, 2015 1:24 pm

    Pat,

    I believe I am reading Kooser's Repair Manual for the third or fourth time.  It's amazing what is new to this reading.  Smile

    Early in the book he makes reference to the title being of grand significance.  He offers the story of how is editor friend would say "Stick all that background in the title and get into the poem."  

    For me, I would cut all material that is redundant to the title.  (look at your first three lines)

    Is the poem about the persona or the bird?  Perhaps a title:  

    Releasing a Laundry-Room Swallow

    No big racket . . . .

    dennis20
    Guest

    Pole barn swallow in one gulp

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Feb 27, 2015 2:08 pm

    Pat,  I read Todd's response and agree the first 3 lines aren't needed as well as the last line in that strophe.  You captured us when the captive rode the window.  "The hammer-hearted bird sporting a deeply forked tail fought for its freedom"-- as did I. That is a powerful line.  My fingers felt the feathers and I smelled the hay and saw the light.  Good poem.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    A Fretful Barn Swallow

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Feb 28, 2015 12:20 pm

    Pat, I can identify with the first stanza having  witnessed similar events.  I note author's feeling for the bird, however, it does go on a bit.  I would squeeze that first stanza to two lines.  And I agree that the t6itle could carry more of the background info.
    On the other hand I love the little stories your poems often contain.  And that requires more detail as stated in this poem.
    "Hammer-hearted " is a little strong for such a feather in flight. 
    The subject of this poem stirs me.  Stay with it.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: A Fretful Barn Swallow

    Post  Karen on Sat Feb 28, 2015 12:39 pm

    I wonder what would happen if you put this fine little tale and its images on a diet?  I have a hard time paring or changing my work.  A trick that helps sometimes is to take out every last word I can while still being able to follow the sense.  Then I start over with the bones.  It doesn't work well when rhythm is driving the poem, but I get surprising results sometimes when the poem is a story. 

    This is good story, and I liked seeing it from your perspective.  I like "Releasing a Laundry-Room Swallow" for a title.   It frees you up to get to the good stuff.

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