The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Song from a Musician's Wife

    Share
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Song from a Musician's Wife

    Post  Karen on Sat Feb 28, 2015 6:58 am

    Heading out for the morning ... I'm looking forward to reading your poems this weekend.  Running late!

    I don't know if this is a poem that should stay in my journal, or if it has potential and interest outside my head.  The original title is Song from a Younger Me.  It didn't seem like that set the stage well enough if I was going to let it out of the box.  Thoughts and suggestions are welcome, including "put it back in the box."

    My husband was a bar musician. He quit his last daytime job in 1963.  He worked until Alzheimer's wouldn't let him anymore. He played mostly as a single. 

    Song from a Musician's Wife

    (Song from a Younger Me)

    I'm not his old lady.
    He's not my old man.
    Yes, I'm sitting here alone.
    Yes, I'm with the band.

    No, I don't mean all of them.
    The guy with the guitar.
    I don't here come every night.
    Yes, it is a redneck bar.

    No, this isn't my real color.
    Yes, it's my real hair.
    I don't want a cigarette.
    It's okay if you sit there.

    No, we live in Little Rock.
    We don't live in the van.
    The girls don't really bother me.
    I'd rather you not touch my hand.

    I don't want another drink.
    That's a diamond in his ear.
    He has always had long hair.
    Yes, I've seen him chug a beer.

    I don't think he knows that song.
    Well, tip him, he might try.
    Yes, this is his normal job.
    No, I don't get high.

    It was nice to meet you, too.
    No, not many in a dive.
    Thank you, but we'll pass tonight.
    We've got a real long drive.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Song From A Musican's Wife

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Feb 28, 2015 12:33 pm

    Karen, definitely the lyrics for a song more than a poem... but I keep looking for the chorus/refrain.  I like the rhyme and the metre.  Nice touch.  All the elements of the bar scene are present... even the feeling that life gets boring for the person who is with-the-band. 
    Definitely get it out there!  A "COWBOY POETRY JOURNAL" might be interested in publishing it.
    Can you tighten it up a bit?  It seems to wander along in the middle.  A catchy, country western title might help.
    Thanks for sharing this poem.  Dewell
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Song from a Musician's Wife

    Post  Karen on Sat Feb 28, 2015 1:25 pm

    Dewell, what an interesting idea!  This poem seems too simple and too conversational, but I like the memories it preserves.  I haven't read much cowboy poetry, but I know enough country songs to resurrect four or five Hanks.  Now you've given me some homework.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Fun

    Post  tsukany on Mon Mar 02, 2015 5:24 am

    Karen

    This is a conversation in verse.  I think it's fun.  I would put pressure on verse five though.  It seem the most forced.  The title seems to misdirect the reader.  Maybe something more directed to conversation or pickup talk.

    thanks for the grin.
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Song from a Musician's Wife

    Post  Karen on Mon Mar 02, 2015 7:08 am

    Good idea on the title, Todd. 

    This is a fun one to read to a poetry night bar crowd.  With a bath and a decent shirt, it might get a 2nd life!

    dennis20
    Guest

    Smoky old poolrooms...

    Post  dennis20 on Wed Mar 04, 2015 8:59 am

    Karen,  I think Dewell hit on it.  It would be the country music or cowboy poetry type.  You do need a hook somewhere in it though if you went with song.  It teeters back and forth between funny and real life. It could go either way with a little tightening up.

    Sponsored content

    Re: Song from a Musician's Wife

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Wed Sep 26, 2018 1:56 am