Do the jumps make the poem hard to follow?

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Do the jumps make the poem hard to follow?

Post  tsukany on Wed Dec 28, 2011 8:20 am

MUCH TO FOLLOW

We enter the world covered in blood,
wiped away and thrown away,
carried to the trash,
largely ignored till,

covered over with dirt and other trash,
then greens and fairways,
where our pants can be bobbed
and our companions caddy.

The blood remains,
reinvented for our prime time,
moving on our plasma screen,
flicked away from the remote.

Some earn the office
on the promise things will change,
our future bright on the shoulders of our youth,
still reeling from those first antiseptic swabs.

---Sukany 26 Dec 2011
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Much to Follow

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 02, 2012 9:08 am

Todd
Todd, I’m copying and pasting this much. Let me know if you get it. (I did as you suggested: logging off.) Now, once more. . . . only I’m pasting this much. Then if you get this after I hit Send, then I’m recritique the poem. Let me know. Thanks, Pat
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It may be working! Keep POSTING

Post  tsukany on Mon Jan 02, 2012 9:33 am

Pat I will make another change. It looks like the font color is white so it doesn't show that we are typing. Press PREVIEW to test my theory.

Todd
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Post  Pat on Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:11 am

Okay! I am typing this with no problems. Yea!

Also, I sent a note to Dennis and Dewell with your email address. We'll see what they do. Dewell is in Oregon and Dennis, in Bryant, AR.

I will type another critique later. . . . but today. Pat

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Much to follow

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 02, 2012 4:51 pm

This entire thing is huge in size below. . .maximum size (how did that happen?), BUT I can do normal type in this space. . . so I am happy.

Your poem: makes the reader slow down, think and follow carefully. Title: A big thought. I'm about to give feedback on my understanding of this poem plus a few tweaks that might help. Take what you like, leave the rest, of course. Oh, the jumps were not disturbing to me in the least.

Stanza 1: covered in blood. . .powerful. Also, a holy thing. A spark of God. How we enter (birth), but the blood is trashed, minimalized. Why the comma on the fourth line? I think the space takes care of it. . .

Stanza 2: covered over (great words together) as in buried. Now we have it covered in a dump? covered by the mundane? covered by a golf course? a pretty picture covers what we do not want to deal with. We don't have to look at the blood. Our denial? A cover-up? Hmmmm. I'm hooked. I have no idea at this point where you are going, but I'm following blood. I like the nouns and specifics in this stanza, esp companions caddy.

Stanza 3: I would like a word here at the beginning to suggest a turn: However or Surpisingly would help reader to the T V. Flicked away (lightly tossed like the blood in first stanza or lightly covered in the second stanza.) Is it "by the remote or from the remote?" I take this stanza to be about the wars or violence. We Flick it away like we would an ant on us and it's easier to live in denial. We are not uncovering anything here. It does not become a blessing or a source of strength.

Stanza 4: the office: I think of the President's office. All the promises for change. All dependent on youth. Sad, sad, sad. (Just want you to have my reaction.) Truth of what you say rings inside my being: and you said it without telling. Good job. Hard to speak all this without it being a telling thing. Oh, our future. . . hmmm: another option might be Tomorrows. However, I know in speeches they do say: Our future. . . .. bright on the shoulders. . . great language here. . . Still reeling from. . . back to the baby and stanza 1. I hear no light. No refuge. Only darkness. . . and much to follow.

Don't know if I'm reading too much into this or not. Can be read, I think, on two or more levels. And I happen to like that when that can happen. Fine poem.

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Re: Do the jumps make the poem hard to follow?

Post  Admin on Mon Jan 02, 2012 5:38 pm

Pat, thanks for the feedback. You tracked as I desired. Smile That is a HUGE step for me. I am pleased that the jumps weren't too distracting. I will adjust the font if I can. I may try another "theme" as they call them. I template that modifies what we see. Thanks again...Todd

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Much to follow

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:07 pm

Todd, this is working. And it is easily read. . . no problem typing in the block. The font/ shade etc. look good to me.

Thanks for fixing whatever. . . . helpful. Pat

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