Lingering with a Skunk

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Lingering with a Skunk

Post  Pat on Fri Mar 27, 2015 11:26 am

Questioning stanzas (lines of 3), questioning title (tried Stinkier:  German for Skunk, Lingering, the Skunk.)  Dropped some stanzas.  Do I need to drop more?   Typing this directly, hoping the lines will turn out okay.


Lingering with the Skunk

Think on the skunk, an outcast
in our world.  Its defense
offends and gags, so I hurry past.

Think about its perfume,
its malodorous smell scenting the air,
taking over every daffodil.

It's strong, but today I am determined
to not run. 
I slow the car and study the rumpled heap.

Its loveliness is in the white stripe
like a falling star burning a path
across a night sky.

This one is not yet flattened
into the pavement but no music,
no waddle.

Think about the lively aroma
yet to be spread by tires giving off
whiffs of hill country.

I linger,
not yet ready to go back into
the smell of nothingness.

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

I don't mind tercets

Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 27, 2015 12:39 pm

Pat.  

I like tercets.  I am not sure about full-on centering.  I think you have redundancies still.  I wonder what a version that cuts everything that is not "lingering."  What about a version with no persona-to-reader lines?

Lingering with the Skunk

Think on the skunk, an outcast
in our world.  Its defense
offends and gags, so I hurry past.

Think about its perfume,
its malodorous smell scenting the air,
taking over every daffodil.

It's strong, but today I am determined
to not run. 
I slow the car and study the rumpled heap.

Its loveliness is in the white stripe
like a falling star burning a path
across a night sky.

This one is not yet flattened
into the pavement but no music,
no waddle.

Think about the lively aroma
yet to be spread by tires giving off
whiffs of hill country.

I linger,
not yet ready to go back into
the smell of nothingness.
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 519
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lingering with a Skunk

Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 10:10 am

The more times I read this poem, the better I liked it.  It could bear some cutting, and Todd's suggestion is good.  Alternately, what about leaving out the first person entirely and going second person?

I worried the title for a while.  I keep wanting something with a witnessing or funeral reference.  Visitation? 

What I like most is the daily quality of the topic. I also purely love that it's a poem about a skunk.  I run by the Arkansas River before it gets light and it's a rare day I don't have skunk company.  It's possible I'm a skunk magnet.
avatar
Karen

Posts : 249
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

LINGERING WITH A SKUNK

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Mar 29, 2015 12:37 pm

I like the title.  And, yes, the poem should stay with that concept.  Lose the car!  Get out there on foot and get personal with the perfume!  I prefer the first person.  The "you" leaves me feeling distant, preached at.  And be thankful they litter only once per year unlike the opossum that litters three times per year.  Everyone can identify with this poem having had at least an introduction to the aroma.  Well Done, Pat!  You touched a nerve here.  Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 316
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Two of the five senses here--a good thing

Post  dennis20 on Sun Mar 29, 2015 4:13 pm

Pat,  Love the title.  The poem could start with: "It's defense" since we know it is a skunk from the title. What leaped out at me was:  its defense, its perfume, its malodorous, it's strong, its loveliness.  Some of these could be replaced with a more positive statement that omits "its"  

the white stripe is lovely
like a falling star burning
a path across a night sky.

This could be the line that the reader takes away from this poem.  It is out of the usualy thought of a skunk. We don't always have such a line so when we do, flaunt it. My eyes are burning and my nose fouled. I'm not sure about the music here. I don't get a sound with skunk. That may be a leap to use that sense in this poem. You are telling more than showing with that one.  Good poem.  If you want to use that first line you could change the title to "Afterglow"

dennis20
Guest


Back to top Go down

Thanks for your help. Still editing. . . .

Post  Pat on Sun Mar 29, 2015 7:14 pm

Lingering With a Skunk

Something here
is malodorous.  The strong scent
fills the air

taking over every daffodil.
Usually, I hurry past
these outcasts.

Today though, I am determined
to not run away.  This time,
I stop and study the rumpled heap.

No musical waddle left in him,
but not yet flattened,
not yet a dark spot on the road.

In fact, the white stripe is lovely
like a falling star burning
a path across a night sky.

I linger,
not quite ready to go back into
the smell of nothingness.

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

still more pressure needed

Post  tsukany on Sun Mar 29, 2015 7:28 pm

I like this version much better.  Let me do some quick breaking so you can fix it. 


Lingering With a Skunk

Something here is malodorous
taking over every daffodil.  (I don't associate daffodils with night.)

No musical waddle left in him,
but not yet flattened,
not yet a dark spot on the road.

In fact, the white stripe is lovely
like a falling star burning
a path across a night sky,

not quite ready to go back 
into the smell of nothingness.
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 519
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Sweet mercy! How quickly you did that!

Post  Pat on Sun Mar 29, 2015 7:37 pm

I've looked and looked at HOW to not have me in the poem, and here you did it lickety-split.  I almost have a headache from it.  : )  So I will STUDY what you just did.  Thank you!!!

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Lingering with a Skunk

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum