The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Is redundancy okay or over the top?

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    dennis20
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    Is redundancy okay or over the top?

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Mar 27, 2015 9:20 pm

    Anything else to fix?

    The Sun Returns in Spring

    Remember how we longed for March
    while snow and ice and cold rain fell.
    The long drawn-out days of grey
    that kept the sun from both horizons.
    We hoped for the sun’s return and spring.
     
    There were fancy snowmen on lawns
    built by children while out of school.
    Snowplows prowled icy streets
    like hungry homeless men.
    We knew the sun returns in spring.
     
    The nights were long in a white room
    reading the news in silent thought.
    The television shows replaced our lives
    as people appeared in living color.
    The light was dim but spring would come.
     
    Autumn leaves of red and gold are memories
    encrusted in dirt and sand and snow,
    but this cardinal feather lying here
    gives hope of spring and the gentle light.
    Now, the sun returns with spring.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    not a problem

    Post  tsukany on Sat Mar 28, 2015 8:02 am

    I didn't find redundancy a problem.  I will note some on the poem below:


    The Sun Returns in Spring 

    Remember how we longed for March
    while snow and ice and cold rain fell.
    The long drawn-out days of grey
    that kept the sun from both horizons.  (I like this line)
    We hoped for the sun’s return and spring.
     
    There were fancy snowmen on lawns
    built by children while out of school. (are the lawns built by children?)
    Snowplows prowled icy streets  (prowled holds negative connotations)
    like hungry homeless men. (Homeless men are dangerous?  on the prowl? or are the streets?)
    We knew the sun returns in spring.
     
    The nights were long in a white room (White room took me to hospital waiting room)
    reading the news in silent thought.
    The television shows replaced our lives
    as people appeared in living color.  (In Living Color was a tv show, right?)
    The light was dim but spring would come.
     
    Autumn leaves of red and gold are memories  (Autumn seems like a large jump backward when the poem is about looking forward)
    encrusted in dirt and sand and snow,
    but this cardinal feather lying here
    gives hope of spring and the gentle light.
    Now, the sun returns with spring.

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Sun/ Spring

    Post  Pat on Sat Mar 28, 2015 10:06 pm

    Nice poem, Dennis.  It is like the sun has gone away.  I kept reminding myself that it was just hooded or cloudy.  Every day. 

      On lawns. . .  I'd just drop it.  Or start the line with On lawns. . . . I do this too.  Modifying the wrong thing.  Esp after I've edited and edited.  

      I was so happy to see the snowplows.  Like the snowplows rescued us, but not like homeless men.  Maybe like angels helping. . . . well, maybe not angels but it is a Big helper.
    I think you used repetition.   I like it, the poetic repetition.  You are making sure I don't miss your one point. 
      Third stanza.  Do you need the articles at the beginning of 3 of those lines?  Do you need any color there where you have white?  My imagination will cover that one.  Do you need a hyphen between television and shows?  Almost read shows as the verb.  Are you contrasting white and living color?  I wonder if we went to black-and-white television to television in living color.  Was it an ad? 
      I wonder if you could drop autumn too.  It throws me.  I think you are heading into spring.  I want you to take me into it.  We just came through winter.  A  third season jolted me.  What if you show us a cardinal singing, a daffodil still tightly budded, a tuft of green grass, etc. taking us into the last two lines. 
      Btw, we had sleet today and hail this week!  My poor daffodils are tattered. . . . me too.
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    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Is redundancy okay or over the top?

    Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 9:47 am

    I too would say goodbye to autumn in this poem.  The ominous prowling snowplows hit me just right though.  Funny how the reader sees what the reader wants to see.  Back when 4 wheel drive vehicles were uncommon, my husband had a 4WD truck and would become almost malevolently gleeful in rare snow, cruising for people to rescue from ditches.  A Not-as-good-as-you-think-he-is Samaritan.  The snowplows make me think of that. 

    What I do particularly like about this poem is how it captures an unusual Arkansas winter.  It's a big driver in my writing, capturing a picture, a feeling.  If I could take better photographs I wouldn't write as much.

    I like the both horizons too.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    SPRING With Sunshine

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Mar 29, 2015 12:54 pm

    Our spring came two weeks early... and dry... in the west there is some talk of group showers.
    Not too redundant, Dennis.  I especially enjoy stanza one and four... except autumn leaves jarred me.  The cardinal's feather brought me back to the poem... two horizons is a nice touch.  I remember Arkansas winters with false springs and poke showing, red-green in the fence row. 
    The TV thing is unclear for me... are you reaching for color and sound?  for contrast?  Not clear here.
    Good poem, Dennis.  Dewell

    dennis20
    Guest

    Thanks one and all

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Mar 29, 2015 8:18 pm

    Thanks to all for the pointers.  I get caught up sometimes in where I'm going and don't take steps like I should.  Hence the lawn built by kids.  I didn't think of the prowlers as negative, but can see how they would be.  I was playing with the light and white and color thing hoping to show contrast.  Maybe that should be something more like black and white.  As far as the autumn and feather.  I meant to jerk the reader back into the present with the color of the CARDINAL feather.  Oh well, the best laid plans...  BTW let me share something I learned yesterday, CRITIC--one who finds things in your poem you didn't know were there. In fact, the best thing you can do in that situation is smile and nod.  Oh, before I forget, you can find me on the NFSPS website.  Go to the site, click on state links and look under Arkansas.  Whoo pigs, Sooey!

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Way to Go, Dennis!!!

    Post  Pat on Sun Mar 29, 2015 9:16 pm

    Proud of you, Mr. President. . . .  thanks for taking the job.  You will do Arkansas proud.

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