The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

    Share
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

    Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 8:56 am

    My questions for the 4 bears (Pat, I refuse to address you separately by the name used for female bears) ...

    Not enough or just right?  Or leave it on the junk heap?

    What about the title?  My initial crack at a title was longer than the poem.

    DOWN THE DOGLEG

    Executed
    rusty icebox,
    bullet-ridden,
    on its back.
    Fire pit belly
    bids me stay
    to warm its bones.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I like it

    Post  tsukany on Sun Mar 29, 2015 10:06 am

    Karen

    I love the poem but not the title.  The title leads me to golf.  Nothing in the poem leads me back there.  I would change nothing but the title.

    Todd
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

    Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 10:44 am

    Title ideas?

    My original title was
    On uncharacteristically taking a dogleg on the Chinquapin Mountain walk-in turkey hunting trail midway through a 19 mile run in the Ouachita National Forest

    Perhaps I should retain the title for my own memory.  I was looking to distill some of that quality into a reasonable title.  I had never heard of a golf dogleg.  It's good to know a connotation that would occur to some readers but not to me.

    So ... ideas?

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    DOWN THE DOGLEG

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Mar 29, 2015 12:25 pm

    Yeah, dogleg is definitely golf!  Some backwoodsmen used dogleg instead of hogleg meaning the pistol slung low and tied down on the hip.  Karen, I like the brevity of this poem but truly the title leaves me at the wrong finish line.  And I'm short on alternatives.
    On The Trail.... Rest Stop... Taking A Break... Way Station On Turkey Trail... Pit Stop... Spent...Welcome Center... Double Down???

     Dewell
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

    Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 12:37 pm

    Side Trip?
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

    Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 12:42 pm

    Wait ...

    Detour?

    dennis20
    Guest

    Four-armed is to be Forewarned

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Mar 29, 2015 3:35 pm

    No Golf for me here, but I wanted "my" instead of "its" bones.  I saw the fire pit belly as a more personal intimate and wanted me to read into this.  I could feel the fire that could be built here to warm me.  May not make sense, but it was my poem to make what I would. After all, it is bare bones so my imagination had to work overtime.  I could have more readily seen "At the Dump" for a title since we used to go to the dump and shoot rats, bottles, cans, and even old iceboxes. A lot of picture here for me.  Good one.  Dennis
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Title

    Post  tsukany on Sun Mar 29, 2015 4:37 pm

    Karen

    It seems the poem is an invitation on a long journey.  I think the poem begs for a brush with irony and setting in the title.  Again, I think the poem is worth the wait for the correct title.

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Hi Karen, thanks on the bears.

    Post  Pat on Sun Mar 29, 2015 7:29 pm

    I'm impressed that you compressed this into 7 lines.  Nice.
    I do not know a thing about golf, so I was just puzzled.   I'd consider a place as the title.  My husband loves target practice.  Something like, "At the . . . . ."  It'll come to you.
    Also, I wanted to invert lines 1 and 2, to know right off what's being executed, to clarify from the get-go.  Good work.
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

    Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 8:04 pm

    I like the line inversion and the title as place name.  I'm playing with "212 Detour", a well-known road to my running friends.  I'm going to attempt a poetry foray into our newsletter if the editor doesn't faint outright at the suggestion.

    Sponsored content

    Re: latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Tue Aug 14, 2018 1:40 am