latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

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latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 8:56 am

My questions for the 4 bears (Pat, I refuse to address you separately by the name used for female bears) ...

Not enough or just right?  Or leave it on the junk heap?

What about the title?  My initial crack at a title was longer than the poem.

DOWN THE DOGLEG

Executed
rusty icebox,
bullet-ridden,
on its back.
Fire pit belly
bids me stay
to warm its bones.

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I like it

Post  tsukany on Sun Mar 29, 2015 10:06 am

Karen

I love the poem but not the title.  The title leads me to golf.  Nothing in the poem leads me back there.  I would change nothing but the title.

Todd
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Re: latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 10:44 am

Title ideas?

My original title was
On uncharacteristically taking a dogleg on the Chinquapin Mountain walk-in turkey hunting trail midway through a 19 mile run in the Ouachita National Forest

Perhaps I should retain the title for my own memory.  I was looking to distill some of that quality into a reasonable title.  I had never heard of a golf dogleg.  It's good to know a connotation that would occur to some readers but not to me.

So ... ideas?

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DOWN THE DOGLEG

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Mar 29, 2015 12:25 pm

Yeah, dogleg is definitely golf!  Some backwoodsmen used dogleg instead of hogleg meaning the pistol slung low and tied down on the hip.  Karen, I like the brevity of this poem but truly the title leaves me at the wrong finish line.  And I'm short on alternatives.
On The Trail.... Rest Stop... Taking A Break... Way Station On Turkey Trail... Pit Stop... Spent...Welcome Center... Double Down???

 Dewell

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Re: latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 12:37 pm

Side Trip?

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Re: latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 12:42 pm

Wait ...

Detour?

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Four-armed is to be Forewarned

Post  dennis20 on Sun Mar 29, 2015 3:35 pm

No Golf for me here, but I wanted "my" instead of "its" bones.  I saw the fire pit belly as a more personal intimate and wanted me to read into this.  I could feel the fire that could be built here to warm me.  May not make sense, but it was my poem to make what I would. After all, it is bare bones so my imagination had to work overtime.  I could have more readily seen "At the Dump" for a title since we used to go to the dump and shoot rats, bottles, cans, and even old iceboxes. A lot of picture here for me.  Good one.  Dennis

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Title

Post  tsukany on Sun Mar 29, 2015 4:37 pm

Karen

It seems the poem is an invitation on a long journey.  I think the poem begs for a brush with irony and setting in the title.  Again, I think the poem is worth the wait for the correct title.
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Hi Karen, thanks on the bears.

Post  Pat on Sun Mar 29, 2015 7:29 pm

I'm impressed that you compressed this into 7 lines.  Nice.
I do not know a thing about golf, so I was just puzzled.   I'd consider a place as the title.  My husband loves target practice.  Something like, "At the . . . . ."  It'll come to you.
Also, I wanted to invert lines 1 and 2, to know right off what's being executed, to clarify from the get-go.  Good work.

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Re: latecomer! DOWN THE DOGLEG

Post  Karen on Sun Mar 29, 2015 8:04 pm

I like the line inversion and the title as place name.  I'm playing with "212 Detour", a well-known road to my running friends.  I'm going to attempt a poetry foray into our newsletter if the editor doesn't faint outright at the suggestion.

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