The Last Friday

Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.
The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


4 posters

    MAYBE TONIGHT, WITH WINGS

    avatar
    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR

    MAYBE TONIGHT, WITH WINGS Empty MAYBE TONIGHT, WITH WINGS

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Fri Apr 24, 2015 11:45 am

    Does this poem wander too much?  Should I delete the fibers on the carding board part?  The last phrase of the poem feels like an after thought.  Is it helpful?  HELP!  I am surrounded by people who are aging in place as am I at 84.  Dewell

    MAYBE TONIGHT, WITH WINGS

    There was a blue bird at my window sill today.
    It seemed unsure, maybe confused by its
    Reflection or the secrets brought by linen wind.

    Or was it yesterday; a robin playing a grimy
    Game of tug-of-war with a night crawler?
    Or the mailman bringing notice of rent,
    Credit card, deaf debt thrown against the wall?

    My memory has become an emigrant
    Wandering through the grayness of a spring
    That will not come.  I look everywhere for
    Something or nothing and find only fog.

    Am I an old regret, a placebo person, a wild
    Dream forgotten like lingering fibers on
    The carding board of Grandma's wheel
    Or dust on the pedals of the church organ?

    Maybe with the wings of night I'll fly
    Free of the spiderless web that binds
    Me on this night that wears a long coat.

         -Dewell H. Byrd
    avatar
    dennis20
    Guest


    MAYBE TONIGHT, WITH WINGS Empty A pea coat would have been enough

    Post  dennis20 Fri Apr 24, 2015 3:25 pm

    Dewell,  I would like the poem better if it were briefer. (I had to look that word up because it looked odd.)  I see the next to last strophe (Am I an...) as fluff.  It changes the direction of the poem.  In fact, if you left that strophe out and put the first two lines of the last strophe after "find only fog" I think the picture is complete.  You could leave the last line, but I don't think the poem needs the long coat so I would drop it.  Also, why did you capitalize the first word in each line?  It is written as prose, but that almost stops me when I read it.  Nice poem.
    Karen
    Karen


    Posts : 320
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 70
    Location : North Little Rock

    MAYBE TONIGHT, WITH WINGS Empty Re: MAYBE TONIGHT, WITH WINGS

    Post  Karen Fri Apr 24, 2015 4:32 pm

    Strong images.  I agree with Dennis on brevity.  The poem would still grab me hard if it ended after "find only fog."  That leaves me a little bothered by a first stanza of 3 lines followed by 4-liners, but it could be remedied by dividing lines a bit differently, asymmetrically.

    Good stuff in the part I propose cutting.  Maybe a starter for a companion piece.  I don't like the feelings you've written about, but I know them.  Your rendering is true.
    avatar
    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    MAYBE TONIGHT, WITH WINGS Empty Fog would be a fine ending. . . .

    Post  Pat Sat Apr 25, 2015 8:49 pm

    Dewell, I am fine with the subject matter, but I think it needs to be tightened.  For example,
    the first line might read:  Today, a bluebird came to my window sill. . . I think you are showing us doubts and confusion and fogginess.  I'd just stay with that.  That's enough.  I'd drop the last two stanzas.  I know that will change your title, but. . . .  Dewell, I'd reread the first 3 stanzas.  I think your title will jump out at you when you ask yourself, what am I saying?  I think the afterthoughts are in the last two stanzas.  I'd totally stay away from the I.  Just say what you see.  The feelings of the persona will come through.  I'd say "Stay in 3rd person."  Great images here and there.  I'd let this poem go cold for 3 days and relook at it.  (It helps me to do this.)  A lot of fodder here worth saying.
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    MAYBE TONIGHT, WITH WINGS Empty My two cents

    Post  tsukany Mon Apr 27, 2015 5:10 am

    Dewell

    I think the third stanza is the first one, then the reader would know the dramatic context.  Do all memories have the "wings" promised by the title?  I like to cut all "There was/It is" type subjects . . . especially in prose.

    Sponsored content


    MAYBE TONIGHT, WITH WINGS Empty Re: MAYBE TONIGHT, WITH WINGS

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Thu Mar 28, 2024 5:07 pm