The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Trying to let the form enhance the poem

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    dennis20
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    Trying to let the form enhance the poem

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Apr 24, 2015 2:54 pm

    Bees-Less

    This down-south April
         is a cold and wet one,
              but filled with flowers
     
    and bees. I watched
          a hive in an old oak.
                 It was succored by
     
    purple violets anchored 
          upon a muddy road ditch.
                   A steady stream of bees
     
    and rain gave inspiration.
          Nature gives the rain and
                 sun and may not expect
     
    reward, but is rewarded as are
            my eyes.  From mud and ditch
                     to vase and the kitchen table
     
    where I can sit at my leisure,
             view what nature provided,
                     my pleasure--without  bees.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    A popular form

    Post  Pat on Sat Apr 25, 2015 9:06 pm

    I see this indented more and more:  first time was Mary Oliver.  I enjoy reading her nature poems. I followed your imagery.  Dennis, I'd stay in present tense.  Just more powerful.  You give us the image, but then in stanza 4, you start telling rather than showing.  From the title, I expect cuteness:  Bees-less.  Last stanza:  I would drop can sit to sit.  Roadside flowers without the bees.  : ) Almost like you outfoxed nature and the bees.  I smile.  I notice gave and give in the same stanza.  I wonder if you could drop one stanza by tightening the poem.  Just a thought.  I love roadside flowers.  I pick them, turn them upside down, shake off the spiders and bugs, put them in a container, take them home, and like you-- vase them and love that I'm not fighting the insects for them.  Highly enjoyable that way.  Have you read Billy Collins poem on Roadside Flowers?  Delightful.
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Trying to let the form enhance the poem

    Post  Karen on Sat Apr 25, 2015 10:35 pm

    Any poem with violets has my attention.  I agree with Pat on the change from "can sit" to "sit".

    What a gift from this small group, to see what is front of me right now, in this season, through other poetic eyes.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Re: Trying to let the borm...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 26, 2015 12:23 pm

    There is something "flighty" about this descending indentation that fits in with my concept of bees.  In all my 400+ poems I've used this form only once and that was to show rain falling in a mild crosswind.  PAT got it right looking at the guts of this poem.  Best of luck with it.  Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Form for final drafts?

    Post  tsukany on Mon Apr 27, 2015 4:57 am

    I love this form.  I noticed it in Mark Doty first.

    Bees-Less  (Not sure of the title yet)

    This down-south April
    is a cold and wet one,
    but filled with flowers
     
    and bees. I watched (Not sure the narrator is needed)
    a hive in an old oak. 
    It was succored by (not sure of the conflict within the narrator)
     
    purple violets anchored  
    upon a muddy road ditch. 
    A steady stream of bees 
     
    and rain gave inspiration.  (This sentence seems to tell more of the narrator)
    Nature gives the rain and
    sun and may not expect (I wasn't ready for the personification of the sun)
     
    reward, but is rewarded as are (more telling?)
    my eyes.  From mud and ditch
    to vase and the kitchen table
     
    where I can sit at my leisure,
    view what nature provided,
    my pleasure--without bees.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Been busy as a snail--thought I would say bee-- fooled you

    Post  dennis20 on Wed Apr 29, 2015 9:32 pm

    Haven't had time to get back to here.  We are getting ready for Spring Celebration here in Benton.  Wish Dewell and Todd could be here. Am expecting Karen and Pat and we will have a big time.  Thanks guys for all the eyes.  This group is the greatest.  Remember--critic is someone who sees something in your poem you didn't put there. You are the ones who make me a better poet.

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    Re: Trying to let the form enhance the poem

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