Trying to choose one that you might have fun with

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Trying to choose one that you might have fun with

Post  Pat on Sat Apr 25, 2015 8:02 pm

and I know it needs help.  What about that 3rd stanza??  Do I need to break it?  Open to anything that jumps out at you.  Feel free to help me in any way.  Trying to use repetition for music and holding it together.

By George, It's a Show

At lunch time, men and women
gather together in the dining room
of a nursing home.  Same-o food,
same-o people.

But then, Mr. George hobbles in
with his four-pronged cane,
barefooted and naked.
Like a stream, he meanders
in-between tables and chairs,
heading for his table.

Frail residents turn heads, point, smile;
dietician grows big eyes, opens mouth
but stays silent; a charge nurse
with an unflappable disposition
swaggers toward Mr. George:
Oh, Mr. George!  My goodness!
What are you doing?  How did you
get in here like this!?  Oh my!
Mr. George, you must come with me.
You cannot stay in here like this!  Why?
Mr. George, your pinkie's showing!
We must go . . . .yes, right now!
Here, cover yourself with this napkin.
Now, go!  Go!  Let's go!  Someone
over by the window applauds. 
Then, a wolf-whistle.

Mr. George and the nurse
go into the hall.  Lights fade.
The curtain falls.

Pat

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Re: Trying to choose one that you might have fun with

Post  Karen on Sat Apr 25, 2015 10:49 pm

I've been a nursing home frequent flyer, and I thought this was right on the money.

Two thoughts ... 

The same-o bothered me.  Maybe same-old?  I don't have trouble with same-o aloud, just the written form.

Idea for the 3rd stanza: don't let the charge nurse talk!

Good title.

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Trying To Get One...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 26, 2015 12:11 pm

Maybe break at :.... otherwise that stanza is too heavy.  Don't you think the charge nurse talks way too much?  Try the poem without the last stanza.  I missed the odors I usually associate with a nursing home.  I like George.  Thanks for sharing him.  Dewell

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Strip it

Post  tsukany on Mon Apr 27, 2015 5:00 am

Pat . . . I couldn't resist a pun.  I think you have included all the details necessary for narration.  Now the task will be to strip the details down to a birthday suit of poem.
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My newly stripped poem.

Post  Pat on Mon Apr 27, 2015 11:08 am

Any thoughts, welcome.  Any more suggestions on how to skinny it up or what to drop? 


By George, It's a Show

Hobbling into the dining room
of a nursing home, Mr. George,
barefooted and naked,
leans on a four-pronged cane.

Like a stream, he meanders
in-between tables and chairs,
as he heads toward his plate.

Frail residents
turn heads, point, smile;
the dietician, big-eyed,
drops mouth open but stays silent;
a charge nurse, 
yapping like a Chihuahua,
heads off Mr. George
who looks bewildered
but trails after the nurse,
now waiting in the hall.

Someone applauds. 
Then, a wolf whistle.

Lights fade.
Curtain falls.

Pat

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Much better

Post  tsukany on Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:16 pm

Pat,

Much cleaner now.  I miss the "pinkie" though from the first draft.  I wonder if we need all the players.  I don't mind the residents but the specific players get to be too much.  I wonder if you can press then ending a bit more to advance a piece of wisdom or a "small stay" against the chaos of the world.
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Re: Trying to choose one that you might have fun with

Post  Karen on Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:23 pm

I agree with Todd, much better. 

I miss the pinkie too.  I will wait for its return another day ...

Now that's pathetic.

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I'm laughing. . . .

Post  Pat on Mon Apr 27, 2015 1:37 pm

Yes, I see how I could drop some players and surely there's a way to put pinkie back into the poem: ) . . . .  he's like a little boy caught in a world of rules.   I thank you for the feedback.  More to go.

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And here is my newest version.

Post  Pat on Mon Apr 27, 2015 2:14 pm

Thank you, guys!!!  Helpful. 

By George, It's a Show

Hobbling into the dining room
of the nursing home, Mr. George,
barefooted and naked,
leans on his four-pronged cane.

Like a stream, he meanders
in-between tables and chairs,
heading for his plate.

Frail residents
turn heads, point, smile.
A charge nurse, yapping
like a Chihuahua, rushes over,
ordering Mr. George to cover
his pinkie with a napkin.
As befuddled as a two year old,
Mr. George trails her into the hall.

Someone in the room applauds.
Then, a wolf-whistle.

Lights fade.
Curtain falls.

Pat

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More thoughts

Post  tsukany on Mon Apr 27, 2015 2:27 pm

Pat,


I like the new simile.  May I add this one from your description "he's like a little boy caught in a world of rules" as a replacement for the current "as a two-year-old . . ."  I would like to posture ending with "wolf-whistle."
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Good idea!

Post  Pat on Mon Apr 27, 2015 2:45 pm

Consider it done. : )

I like that. Thank you.

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Re: Trying to choose one that you might have fun with

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