The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Trying to choose one that you might have fun with

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Trying to choose one that you might have fun with

    Post  Pat on Sat Apr 25, 2015 8:02 pm

    and I know it needs help.  What about that 3rd stanza??  Do I need to break it?  Open to anything that jumps out at you.  Feel free to help me in any way.  Trying to use repetition for music and holding it together.

    By George, It's a Show

    At lunch time, men and women
    gather together in the dining room
    of a nursing home.  Same-o food,
    same-o people.

    But then, Mr. George hobbles in
    with his four-pronged cane,
    barefooted and naked.
    Like a stream, he meanders
    in-between tables and chairs,
    heading for his table.

    Frail residents turn heads, point, smile;
    dietician grows big eyes, opens mouth
    but stays silent; a charge nurse
    with an unflappable disposition
    swaggers toward Mr. George:
    Oh, Mr. George!  My goodness!
    What are you doing?  How did you
    get in here like this!?  Oh my!
    Mr. George, you must come with me.
    You cannot stay in here like this!  Why?
    Mr. George, your pinkie's showing!
    We must go . . . .yes, right now!
    Here, cover yourself with this napkin.
    Now, go!  Go!  Let's go!  Someone
    over by the window applauds. 
    Then, a wolf-whistle.

    Mr. George and the nurse
    go into the hall.  Lights fade.
    The curtain falls.
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Trying to choose one that you might have fun with

    Post  Karen on Sat Apr 25, 2015 10:49 pm

    I've been a nursing home frequent flyer, and I thought this was right on the money.

    Two thoughts ... 

    The same-o bothered me.  Maybe same-old?  I don't have trouble with same-o aloud, just the written form.

    Idea for the 3rd stanza: don't let the charge nurse talk!

    Good title.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Trying To Get One...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 26, 2015 12:11 pm

    Maybe break at :.... otherwise that stanza is too heavy.  Don't you think the charge nurse talks way too much?  Try the poem without the last stanza.  I missed the odors I usually associate with a nursing home.  I like George.  Thanks for sharing him.  Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Strip it

    Post  tsukany on Mon Apr 27, 2015 5:00 am

    Pat . . . I couldn't resist a pun.  I think you have included all the details necessary for narration.  Now the task will be to strip the details down to a birthday suit of poem.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    My newly stripped poem.

    Post  Pat on Mon Apr 27, 2015 11:08 am

    Any thoughts, welcome.  Any more suggestions on how to skinny it up or what to drop? 


    By George, It's a Show

    Hobbling into the dining room
    of a nursing home, Mr. George,
    barefooted and naked,
    leans on a four-pronged cane.

    Like a stream, he meanders
    in-between tables and chairs,
    as he heads toward his plate.

    Frail residents
    turn heads, point, smile;
    the dietician, big-eyed,
    drops mouth open but stays silent;
    a charge nurse, 
    yapping like a Chihuahua,
    heads off Mr. George
    who looks bewildered
    but trails after the nurse,
    now waiting in the hall.

    Someone applauds. 
    Then, a wolf whistle.

    Lights fade.
    Curtain falls.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Much better

    Post  tsukany on Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:16 pm

    Pat,

    Much cleaner now.  I miss the "pinkie" though from the first draft.  I wonder if we need all the players.  I don't mind the residents but the specific players get to be too much.  I wonder if you can press then ending a bit more to advance a piece of wisdom or a "small stay" against the chaos of the world.
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Trying to choose one that you might have fun with

    Post  Karen on Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:23 pm

    I agree with Todd, much better. 

    I miss the pinkie too.  I will wait for its return another day ...

    Now that's pathetic.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'm laughing. . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Apr 27, 2015 1:37 pm

    Yes, I see how I could drop some players and surely there's a way to put pinkie back into the poem: ) . . . .  he's like a little boy caught in a world of rules.   I thank you for the feedback.  More to go.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    And here is my newest version.

    Post  Pat on Mon Apr 27, 2015 2:14 pm

    Thank you, guys!!!  Helpful. 

    By George, It's a Show

    Hobbling into the dining room
    of the nursing home, Mr. George,
    barefooted and naked,
    leans on his four-pronged cane.

    Like a stream, he meanders
    in-between tables and chairs,
    heading for his plate.

    Frail residents
    turn heads, point, smile.
    A charge nurse, yapping
    like a Chihuahua, rushes over,
    ordering Mr. George to cover
    his pinkie with a napkin.
    As befuddled as a two year old,
    Mr. George trails her into the hall.

    Someone in the room applauds.
    Then, a wolf-whistle.

    Lights fade.
    Curtain falls.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    More thoughts

    Post  tsukany on Mon Apr 27, 2015 2:27 pm

    Pat,


    I like the new simile.  May I add this one from your description "he's like a little boy caught in a world of rules" as a replacement for the current "as a two-year-old . . ."  I would like to posture ending with "wolf-whistle."

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Good idea!

    Post  Pat on Mon Apr 27, 2015 2:45 pm

    Consider it done. : )

    I like that. Thank you.

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