The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    SUMMER MUSHROOMS

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    Karen

    Posts : 309
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    SUMMER MUSHROOMS

    Post  Karen on Thu Jun 25, 2015 8:25 pm

    Yes, more mushrooms.  This is a throwaway poem – a phrase landed on me and I couldn’t pry it loose.  It’s a ridiculous poem, but I can’t stop thinking about it.  Add more?  Leave it alone?  Hope it will leave ME alone?  Advice welcome and apologies in advance.

    SUMMER MUSHROOMS
        (Fungus Among Us)

    Some are mushrooms,
    some are not.

    Some are toadstools
    vile with rot.

    Eat one? I would
    rather not.

    Maybe rabies,
    thanks a lot.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 615
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Fun

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 26, 2015 6:07 am

    Karen

    I think it's fun.  

    I get stuck on stanza three.  It doesn't follow the pattern established (which can still work).  

    I would try "thanksalot" and other wordmashings.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    It's funny.

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 26, 2015 8:03 pm

    Rhyme works for you, Karen. 

    I like the couplets for this poem.    

    Wordmashings.   Never heard of that, but it's outside the box and would work with your poem.  : )   I like the title too.

    Dennis is a natural at rhyme.  He may have some great ideas.  

    It reminds me of a children's poem.  If I read this to grandchildren, they'd love it and have their own stories about toadstools. 

    I like the simplicity and pureness here.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Hidden under the toadstool

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Jun 26, 2015 9:14 pm

    Short, sweet, and to the point.  Third line--my suggestion-- 

    Some would eat one,
    I would not.  
     
    This continues the symetry of the poem.  Stays with the flow and thought.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 371
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    SUMMER MUSHROOMS

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jun 28, 2015 1:02 pm

    Fungus Among Us is WAY TOO CUTE.  I'd drop that or use it as a title for a child's read.
    I like Dennis'sss fix.  Easy on the tongue.
    Definitely not a throw away.
    Leads me toward "Where The Sidewalk Ends."
    Way to cure that line that won't go away...

    Choose carefully
    a small stone
    place it under your tongue
    when it dissolves
    you are cured.
    Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 309
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: SUMMER MUSHROOMS

    Post  Karen on Sun Jun 28, 2015 1:31 pm

    I fear chewing gravel is in my nature. 

    But.  I am taking all suggestions!  Todd's mashing, Pat's suggestion to wait for help from Dennis, Dennis' rewrite of stanza 3, and Dewell's fungus chop.

    Fungus is going to stay in my version though.  Daddy used to say that EVERY TIME he saw a mushroom!

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