The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    becoming... a rewrite

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    becoming... a rewrite

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jun 26, 2015 6:09 pm

    This feels more like a 1960/70 poem.  The rhyme/no rhyme thing may be bothersome but it just seems right as fog held sway on Moonstone Beach recently... All comments are appreciated.  Dewell

    becoming


         fog

    caresses Moonstone Beach
    calms the sculpting sea

         dissolves

    into the morning-glory sky
    and blues the depth of eternity

         come

    let's walk this beach together
    you and me

         and see

    what we will become

    Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    A Sixties touch, for sure.

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 26, 2015 8:25 pm

    You are a romantic, Dewell.  Sixties are still in you.  : )  
    Okay, I am fine with the structure. 
    Becoming  was a big deal when I was in college. 
    Posters were sold everywhere:  to become.  Hmmm. 

    Fog is doing all this;  invitation to someone to come with the persona for a walk on the beach and become.  : )  Romantic.
    Strong adjectives:   sculpting sea;  morning-glory sky; 
    Strong verbs:  caresses, calms, blues (I think you mean it as a verb?)
     
    Dissolve messed me up:   what about dissolving? 

    sea, sea, we - rhymes.

    Took me down memory lane, and I was land-locked!  : )

    dennis20
    Guest

    She sells shells by the sea shore

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Jun 26, 2015 9:54 pm

    Dewell, I had moment there, too.  I would like the word fades rather than dissolves.  It seems more like what the fog would do.  Why not substitute Life for beach and make this reach a greater plane than just the obvious. Okay, I couldn't help that the 60's slipped into my thoughts.
    Good vibes here.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Knee Jerk reaction

    Post  tsukany on Sat Jun 27, 2015 5:41 am

    Dewell

    I would suggest new title and last line.  I felt slighted by them.  I believe your poem is stronger than these two lines.

    Well done, image man!

    Todd
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    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: becoming... a rewrite

    Post  Karen on Sat Jun 27, 2015 8:33 pm

    I like the structure.  The way it looks on the page and the way it reads aloud both gave me the feel of the tide. 

    Sculting sea.  I like that.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    becoming... re-write

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:39 pm

    Thanks Guys, your comments are helpful.
    I've walked that beach many times between 1960 and last week.
    The fog remains cotton candy in my life.
    Still working this poem.
    Dewell

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    Re: becoming... a rewrite

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