The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Is there poetics here

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    dennis20
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    Is there poetics here

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Jun 26, 2015 9:45 pm

    Are the thoughts and pictures too scattered to be poetic?  What is here that I don't see? Your eyes are needed.

    Man in the Moon

    A silver fish flashes in the lake
    without a wave or ring or wake
    against the aqua night.
     
    Upon the pool in the foamy light
    with fin as sail to guide among
    stars it glistens in the moment.
     
    The surface stays unbroken,
    fish and fin appear as token,
    but still sustains the dream.
     
    The man picks up his oar,
    dips toward the distant shore,
    and wades out in the dawn.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Yup

    Post  tsukany on Sat Jun 27, 2015 5:44 am

    Dennis

    I am still challenged by an article I read to "challenge every definite article."  In last year's poet's market.

    I would see what you think of two images:  first and last stanzas.  Cut the middle two.

    I think it's a strong poem.  Images and metaphor/conflict make this poetic enough for me.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I am not bored by first and last stanzas.

    Post  Pat on Sat Jun 27, 2015 12:14 pm

    The other two seem more than I need.   I like the first and last ones best.   Maybe you worked too hard, thinking you needed more? 

    Third stanza is telling.

    I like your end rhymes.  I hardly noticed.

    Nice poem. . .  esp when I read it without middle two stanzas.   Beautiful sights.
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    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Is there poetics here

    Post  Karen on Sat Jun 27, 2015 8:17 pm

    I'm with Pat and Todd on liposuction for the middle.

    Man, that first verse is killer!

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Enough Poetics

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jun 28, 2015 1:11 pm

    Yes.  The poetics influence is quite subtle.  I like that.
    I agree that stanza one is a great opening.  Middle could be stronger.  In the moment is too clechete (sp sic) for my taste.
    Last line of poem could read... and waits for dawn.
    Always a pleasure to read you.
    Dewell

    dennis20
    Guest

    All through the night...

    Post  dennis20 on Mon Jun 29, 2015 9:07 am

    Thank you all for the comments.  I hadn't noticed how tight the first and last stanza until it was pointed out.  I was thinking more of the moon and what it does throughout the night from evening until dawn.  This is the great thing about getting someone else to put eyes on our poems, they see the things we never knew were there and just a subtle change or word can open up a whole nother avenue and perception.

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