The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.

    A Premee born today


    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    A Premee born today

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 31, 2015 4:19 pm

    In the Hallway at the Hospital

    Several adults--children and neighbors perhaps--
    turn left past the elevator and head,
    faces forward, toward the loved one.

    Earlier this morning, tearful comfort,
    in the form of a hug,
    occurred at the same window.

    They respond, as we did:
    smiles leave two steps before
    as we steel ourselves

    for entering the room. We peak
    around the doorway, past the curtain,
    as we gather our respects.

    Todd Sukany 31 July 2015
    Dennis 20

    My heart is heavy with Joy

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sat Aug 01, 2015 8:55 am

    Todd,  Great poem!  That said, I think you burden the reader by being so complicated in the way in which you say it. I had to read through it several times to get the jest of it. 

    It starts off with "several adults" then children and then neighbors.  Then you throw in perhaps--neighbors will either be adults or children every time. 

    Next, something occurred at the same window and what window would that be? It hasn't been mentioned yet.  

    They respond as we did.  I thought we got off the elevator--no wait, they got off the elevator. Was that before we gave tearful comfort or after we gave tearful comfort?  It must have been before because we "steel ourselves for entering the room."

    We peek around..

    I think the poem draws a great down-to-earth picture which is normal life, but it is not easy to read and keep up with as written.

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    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: A Premee born today

    Post  Karen on Sat Aug 01, 2015 6:08 pm

    Yes, peek.

    This is a different kind of snapshot from my poem.  Snapshots are growing on me.  Although the picture painted is specific, we have all been part of pictures like this one. 

    Todd, I see your picture clearly, and the parallels between the two families.  But I see them because you mentioned when you opened the forum that you were in ICU with your dad.

    I think the poem would benefit from sharing a bit of your own scene.  It wouldn't take much to sketch.  Perhaps 3 lines.

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    Join date : 2011-09-12

    In the hospital hallway. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sun Aug 02, 2015 5:18 pm

    You tell us where you are, so anything can be expected.   Reverence, life, death, birth green curtains, etc.  I am with you every step of the way.   Tenuous moments.   Who can know what will happen next.  I love "faces forward". . . . everyone is going for the baby window.  "Tearful comfort" - oxymoron and I love it .    Steel ourselves.... great phrase.  No one is bouncing in.  Everyone is carefully reverent, gathering respects.  

    I think this may be one of your best poems, Todd.  It gets the feelings in there.  And you are not sappy and you are 3rd and 1st person.   In fact, I think the feelings linger and come along after we leave the hospital.   We do well sometimes to survive the visit at the hospital.  Then, it's safe to feel it.   Well done.  Birth is an awesome thing. 

    Maybe you have another poem with your dad and you?  

    Does everyone know that Dewell left this morning for a Canadian Rail Trip:  he and Elsa?  : )
    Dewell H. Byrd

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    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 88
    Location : Central Point, OR


    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Aug 11, 2015 5:52 pm

    Difficult to follow although we know where we are going and have been there before... so many people... grouping might help.  Some powerful phrases.  Title raises some question since so many preemies are born today with life and death in the balance.  Birthing centers are difficult for guys sometimes with hands in pockets and eyes averted... if only we had words... hugs, I guess.
    Good poem, a definite keeper.

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    Re: A Premee born today

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