The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    A Curve In The Tell

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    A Curve In The Tell

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:07 pm

    Dewell

    A CURVE IN THE TELL

    When my memory is worn

    down to the bone and

    my breath smells like

    antique honey

    my tears seep too soon

    as crickets edge the night

    and my lips become

    the exposed tip

    of my heart.

    I marvel at the colors

    in the promise

    of an unlit match

    as I wait in reverence

    for the voice of a cross

    carved from stone.

    I’m not ready to kiss the earth;

    there is a curve

    in the memory of my tell.

    -Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Is there some point you want us to examine?

    Post  tsukany on Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:30 pm

    Dewell

    I am on the way out of the house so I will return to your poem later today. Is there something specific on which you are wanting feedback? Often, we will place that question or point in the title of the post. It helps us to focus attention where you desire it.

    I am glad that you were able to post.

    Todd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Thoughts

    Post  tsukany on Thu Jan 19, 2012 6:28 am

    Dewell,

    I am not sure how you are accustomed to feedback. I like to offer my initial responses, as though you were in the room with me as I go through the poem. I think feedback is difficult since we are all so individual in our approach to reading and writing. I will offer what my "knee jerks" are, knowing that you are COMPLETELY free to ignore every thought in my head. My comments carry no more weight than the electrons that bring them to you. Smile

    I like the idea of the poem. My instinct is that you try too hard. You are forcing all the senses into the poem and when I finish, I don't know what was the journey. I've read your poem 4-5 times and still I'm not sure what you want me to experience. I have a friend whose professors would ask him "What were you trying to say?" They would listen carefully to his response and say, "Now, write that." Smile

    Gravity points: the first line. Very nice. and I like the line "I'm not ready to kiss the earth."

    It seems that you have a "worn memory" that exposes the "tell" but then you have so many specific details that beg a "fresh" memory.

    I trust this is not too much or too little information. Smile Thanks again for sharing your poem. Let me know if I did not address the areas you were anticipating.

    Todd


    Last edited by tsukany on Fri Jan 20, 2012 9:22 am; edited 1 time in total

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    A Curve in the Tell

    Post  Pat on Fri Jan 20, 2012 9:17 am

    Dewell, this is what I hear: when I'm old and vulnerable, I speak a little of my heart. I marvel and wait for the promise of what is ahead. I'm not yet ready to leave this life; I do not tell all? just a bit of what I feel and wonder about?

    A curve in the telling? Just wondering if that means you are not wanting to tell it straight, tell all, expose very much. Sounds like sadness---- just telling a little of it.

    If I'm missing the point here, I'd like to know it. (I read it 3 or 4 times.)

    I like antique honey, seep, the use of senses, kiss the earth image.

    Double meaning? A curve in the tell/tale/tail? Did I get too playful or not?

    My sense is of one who waits and ponders, but doesn't want to expose much. Guarded? Playing it safe? I'm sure many people are like this. . . . waiting and not exposing much. Careful. The I in the poem seems deeply affected. . . . by his memories.

    The hope in the poem? maybe the promise in the unlit match? the voice from the cross? By the way, I like voice/cross sound.

    Glad you got posted! Thanks for sharing. Pat

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    A Curve In The Tell

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jan 27, 2012 11:24 am

    Perhaps older people experience spotty memories...

    hope for reason to hope...

    find it difficult to tell their tel...

    frequently have unshared personal doubts...

    While striving for economy of words I may have sacraficed meaning

    or continuity... I'll back up to a prior draft and look for more "fleshing out"...

    Thanks for your input, Pat & Todd. DHB

    Dennis20
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    Re: A Curve In The Tell

    Post  Dennis20 on Mon Feb 06, 2012 6:49 pm

     

     

    Since tell was in the title, I assume the tell is what your are defining. You use different senses in expressing what each contributes to your tell. When it comes time to produce a result ( in poker it would be to either have the ace in the hole or expose the bluff ) here the tell is marred (or as you say curved) therefore the expected result is not forthcoming.  I think we all cling to the here and now because we are familiar with it and although we say we are ready for the "cross from carved stone" we are apprehensive so there is a curve in our tell.  I live the imagery and thought you have put into words and the brevity.

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