Singing to the Light

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Singing to the Light

Post  Pat on Fri Aug 28, 2015 10:15 pm

Whatever you have, I'll take it.  Struggled with line breaks. 


           Singing to the Light
     
      Timing.  It’s everything.
                      John Jimerson, actor

 
  When I detach from myself,
I become a redbird, hunkered down
on a branch in sweet silence.
   I watch fog hover over the valley,
blessing everything.  The white scarf
rises like the mane of a horse as it drifts
eastward, curling and unfurling,
swirling upwards, ever so gently
into gray clouds, seeking
he sleepy-eyed sun. 
  All of it, under chilly air. 
Almost time.
I fluff my bright pajamas,
swallow and set my beak, then
wait for my cue.
   In a moment, the luminous light
inches its way up and over the mountain,
leaning forward, kissing every part
of the earth. 
  I sing my one and only song.
Only that.  But that.

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

I don't understand how my poem is dark.

Post  Pat on Fri Aug 28, 2015 10:22 pm

I copied and pasted it.  Then I worked with it.  Now, it is not white.  I am beat, so I'm going to bed. I'll deal with it tomorrow.   Maybe after 11 a.m.   Meeting early tomorrow.   Just leave mine for last.  I'll make it where you can read it.  Tomorrow.  
Scarlett  : )

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Weeding will be nice

Post  tsukany on Sat Aug 29, 2015 6:58 am

Singing to the Light
     
      Timing.  It’s everything.
                      John Jimerson, actor


 
  When I detach from myself, (this line is too strong for the content of the poem.  Just make a metaphor)
I become a redbird, hunkered down
on a branch in sweet silence.
   I watch fog hover over the valley,
blessing everything.  The white scarf (white seems redundant)
rises like the mane of a horse as it drifts
eastward, curling and unfurling,
swirling upwards, ever so gently
into gray clouds, seeking
he sleepy-eyed sun. 
  All of it, under chilly air. (too much detail?)
Almost time.
I fluff my bright pajamas,  (this is really a good line)
swallow and set my beak, then
wait for my cue. (too much detail?  it's in the title and epigram/graph)
   In a moment, the luminous light (luminous is redundant)
inches its way up and over the mountain,
leaning forward, kissing every part
of the earth. (too much detail?  isn't the mountain enough?)
  I sing my one and only song.
Only that.  But that.  (nice "click" at the end)
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 519
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Thank you, Todd,

Post  Pat on Sat Aug 29, 2015 11:17 am

for critique and for making letters white, more readable.

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Singing To The Light

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Aug 29, 2015 1:02 pm

Try making line breaks with space following:  silence, sun, time, cue, earth.  Would help the reader... otherwise I loose my breath reading this poem.  Consider deleting: last line, then, luminous.  Some great images, Pat.  I especially like the "tone" you set.  I did get lost twice ... bogged down in detail.  I find a sense of serenity in this poem.  Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 316
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Singing to the Light

Post  Karen on Sat Aug 29, 2015 7:53 pm

Like Todd, I want a different first line.  I like the ending.  Like Dewell, I appreciate the tone and the images, but I want streamlining and line breaks to add breathing room.  The poem lives up to its intention; it calms and comforts me.   Thank you for posting it.  It makes me want to recreate the feeling in a poem of my own.
avatar
Karen

Posts : 249
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Singing as we go

Post  Dennis 20 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:21 pm

Pat,  Sometimes it is nice to comment last and after seeing what others think.  I love the ending. It is a stamp that needed clamped on, profound. We knew it but you knew it when you did it and makes us all on the same page.  Oh, I do like the PJ picture.  You are good at coming up with outside the box pictures. And the sleepy-eyed sun, now that's a pic.  Dewell did have a point about the lines needed shortened in places that I agree with. I like the sound of fog hover over.  It glides off the tongue.  Good offering.

Dennis 20
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Singing to the Light

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum