The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Singing to the Light

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    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Singing to the Light

    Post  Pat on Fri Aug 28, 2015 10:15 pm

    Whatever you have, I'll take it.  Struggled with line breaks. 


               Singing to the Light
         
          Timing.  It’s everything.
                          John Jimerson, actor

     
      When I detach from myself,
    I become a redbird, hunkered down
    on a branch in sweet silence.
       I watch fog hover over the valley,
    blessing everything.  The white scarf
    rises like the mane of a horse as it drifts
    eastward, curling and unfurling,
    swirling upwards, ever so gently
    into gray clouds, seeking
    he sleepy-eyed sun. 
      All of it, under chilly air. 
    Almost time.
    I fluff my bright pajamas,
    swallow and set my beak, then
    wait for my cue.
       In a moment, the luminous light
    inches its way up and over the mountain,
    leaning forward, kissing every part
    of the earth. 
      I sing my one and only song.
    Only that.  But that.

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I don't understand how my poem is dark.

    Post  Pat on Fri Aug 28, 2015 10:22 pm

    I copied and pasted it.  Then I worked with it.  Now, it is not white.  I am beat, so I'm going to bed. I'll deal with it tomorrow.   Maybe after 11 a.m.   Meeting early tomorrow.   Just leave mine for last.  I'll make it where you can read it.  Tomorrow.  
    Scarlett  : )
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Weeding will be nice

    Post  tsukany on Sat Aug 29, 2015 6:58 am

    Singing to the Light
         
          Timing.  It’s everything.
                          John Jimerson, actor


     
      When I detach from myself, (this line is too strong for the content of the poem.  Just make a metaphor)
    I become a redbird, hunkered down
    on a branch in sweet silence.
       I watch fog hover over the valley,
    blessing everything.  The white scarf (white seems redundant)
    rises like the mane of a horse as it drifts
    eastward, curling and unfurling,
    swirling upwards, ever so gently
    into gray clouds, seeking
    he sleepy-eyed sun. 
      All of it, under chilly air. (too much detail?)
    Almost time.
    I fluff my bright pajamas,  (this is really a good line)
    swallow and set my beak, then
    wait for my cue. (too much detail?  it's in the title and epigram/graph)
       In a moment, the luminous light (luminous is redundant)
    inches its way up and over the mountain,
    leaning forward, kissing every part
    of the earth. (too much detail?  isn't the mountain enough?)
      I sing my one and only song.
    Only that.  But that.  (nice "click" at the end)

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Thank you, Todd,

    Post  Pat on Sat Aug 29, 2015 11:17 am

    for critique and for making letters white, more readable.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Singing To The Light

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Aug 29, 2015 1:02 pm

    Try making line breaks with space following:  silence, sun, time, cue, earth.  Would help the reader... otherwise I loose my breath reading this poem.  Consider deleting: last line, then, luminous.  Some great images, Pat.  I especially like the "tone" you set.  I did get lost twice ... bogged down in detail.  I find a sense of serenity in this poem.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Singing to the Light

    Post  Karen on Sat Aug 29, 2015 7:53 pm

    Like Todd, I want a different first line.  I like the ending.  Like Dewell, I appreciate the tone and the images, but I want streamlining and line breaks to add breathing room.  The poem lives up to its intention; it calms and comforts me.   Thank you for posting it.  It makes me want to recreate the feeling in a poem of my own.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Singing as we go

    Post  Dennis 20 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:21 pm

    Pat,  Sometimes it is nice to comment last and after seeing what others think.  I love the ending. It is a stamp that needed clamped on, profound. We knew it but you knew it when you did it and makes us all on the same page.  Oh, I do like the PJ picture.  You are good at coming up with outside the box pictures. And the sleepy-eyed sun, now that's a pic.  Dewell did have a point about the lines needed shortened in places that I agree with. I like the sound of fog hover over.  It glides off the tongue.  Good offering.

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