The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.

    The Leaf Burner in March


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    Join date : 2011-09-12

    The Leaf Burner in March

    Post  Pat on Mon Sep 21, 2015 1:51 pm

    I'm open to help.  My goal is to create two pictures. I don't know if I need to keep or delete the last stanza????

    The Leaf Burner in March

    It is evening.
    My somber father
    in long white sleeves
    has a lighthearted spell
    when he fans flames
    seeping through leaves,
    running amok from a deep ditch,
    climbing the bank,
    creating a ring.
    I stand at a distance
    away from the smoke.

    He swings, sways,
    flutters a red kerchief
    like a matador making passes
    with a cape to attract
    the strong bull
    pawing, making primitive sounds,
    keeping his head down.

    Confident, my father
    calls and waves for me
    to come see, to join a roaring crowd
    as he further excites them
    with his dips and whirls,
    making it all look dreadfully easy.

    Above the bullring,
    the smoke rolls out
    in its own gray way,
    swirling and pulling light
    away from where my father
    masters the bull.

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    Re: The Leaf Burner in March

    Post  Karen on Fri Sep 25, 2015 6:11 am

    Pat, I like this one.  I would delete the last stanza.  The third stanza ending seems just right.

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    Post  tsukany on Fri Sep 25, 2015 7:04 am

    I am a bit torn.  The last stanza begins a bit abruptly with the metaphor.  However, you have given enough clues that it shouldn't be.  Maybe it's "dreadfully" that needs to be more of a "bull fight" word.  
    I think I would make a line break in the line with the two infinitives.
    I love the final line of the poem.  I think it snaps the poem shut.
    Dennis 20

    ole, ole, oxen free or maybe ollie, ollie, from the crowd

    Post  Dennis 20 on Fri Sep 25, 2015 12:55 pm

    Wow!  This is good.  I think the last strophe stays.  It is what we all expect from the leaves and the bullring.  Good imagery. I like the image of "somber father."  It makes this seem so light hearted with that picture of him.  I love the dip and whirl.  This is everyday life at its finest.  This is what memories we carry long after the person or event is gone.
    Dewell H. Byrd

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    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Sep 25, 2015 4:16 pm

    I smell the acrid smoke! Crisp images in crisp air.  Instead of running amok how about that run amok?  All those gerands (sp) together bother me.  Roaring crowd... fire or people?  Solid ending!  I can see the child emerge from the "somber father" as he conquers fire and plays with it.
    Should lines 10 & 11 be a separate stanza?  Burning without raking... mmm... interesting... must suggest a deep layer...  Hear them crackle?  Nice offering, Pat.  Dewell

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    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
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    Re: The Leaf Burner in March

    Post  Karen on Sat Sep 26, 2015 3:10 pm

    I'm outnumbered on the last stanza delete!  I still like the way it feels ending the poem with stanza three.  And I like "dreadfully".  Pat, it was easy to see your picture in this poem.

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    Re: The Leaf Burner in March

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