The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Questioning a prep or two

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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Questioning a prep or two

    Post  tsukany on Wed Sep 23, 2015 9:45 am

    no wonder

    you are frightened,
       your hope for the future
           rests in the whims

    of an elected official,
       a servant of the State,
           a person no different than you,

    one with an occupation,
       an ego, a reputation,
           and thick skin.

    --Todd Sukany 23 Sept 2015

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    we solve the of, then next the when or if

    Post  Dennis 20 on Thu Sep 24, 2015 8:26 pm

    Todd,  I'm not sure what you are looking for in this one.  The preps are implied in almost every line. 
    I could make a case for a period after "frightened."  I could also make a case for "with" instead of "of" and in the last line. I can't make up my mind if "you who is frightened" has thick skin or only the "elected official."  If you put the "with" there it would be a separate trait for the "elected official."  
    But such is poetry.  Let the reader find what you put there and didn't know.  

    Good, short, effecient.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Questioning A Prep Or Two

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Sep 25, 2015 4:23 pm

    I like it as is.  Wondering if both have, or need, a thick skin?  The first person has so much at stake... implied... and the second person has so little.  The "unfairness-of justice" strikes me. I prefer the poem without additional preps.  But, darn, you made me think again.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 310
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Questioning a prep or two

    Post  Karen on Sat Sep 26, 2015 3:18 pm

    Tight and to the point.  I want a period after "frightened". 

    I particularly like the way the title jumps right into the meat of the poem.

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    No Wonder

    Post  Pat on Sat Sep 26, 2015 7:47 pm

    It would help me if there was a period after frightened since you are doing punctuation throughout the rest of the poem. 

    I like the words whims, thick skin, an ego, a person no different from you.  Simple and powerful. 

    The form fits the poem.

    What?  The persona does not trust the gov't, elected official.  : )  Well-done.

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