The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    apologies in advance...the Return of the Cat Poem

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    Karen

    Posts : 306
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    apologies in advance...the Return of the Cat Poem

    Post  Karen on Wed Sep 23, 2015 2:34 pm

    Let it not be said I am deterred by lack of interest in my subject matter.  It made me laugh to write it.  I hope you laugh too.  
     
    Who better than my most literary of friends to critique the attempted murder of Shakespeare?

    HOUSECAT SONNET I

    My Cutie’s eyes are nothing like the sun.
    A crow is far more black than her coat’s black.
    If snow be white, why then her belly’s dun.
    If fur be wire, then wire grows on her back.

    She comes not like the fog on little feet.
    She pads on paws more suited to a bear.
    The fragrance of a blossom, fresh and sweet,
    is not her fishy breath which fouls the air.

    I love her squeaky yowl, yet well I know
    that silence would be pleasanter by far.
    I grant I never saw a cheetah go.
    My Cutie’s gait is like a compact car.

    And yet, by Felix, I think Cutie rare,
    as fine as any feline, and as fair.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    A Cutie by any other name is still or should be

    Post  Dennis 20 on Thu Sep 24, 2015 8:08 pm

    Karen,  I am glad you ventured into sonnets.  I like sonnets and do them sometime.  I offer this thought:  You have a good poem.  I urge you to either do it all with Willie's lingo or use modern language.  Don't go back and forth.  By that I mean, (and this is what I would do) You start with "eyes are"  "crow is" then you go to "if snow be" and "if fur be"  I would stick with "is and are."
    I would say if snow is and then say if fur is, that way you stay consistant.  

    I think you diverged from the poem picture in order to secure a word rhyme when you put the "car" in the picture.  I don't see that as helping your picture. I like your undertaking, though.
    Hope this is helpful.  D.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Housekeeping

    Post  tsukany on Fri Sep 25, 2015 7:10 am

    Nice poem.  I believe there are just a couple housekeeping areas.

    I was distracted by two "black"s in line two.

    Lines three and four of stanza two seem a departure from the cat focus.  (describe what IS rather than what's not)

    Not sure how to address line three of stanza three.

    I'm not sure how many poems about cats are negative; thus, the couplet is not surprising.  How is Cutie unique?

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Cutie.....

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Sep 25, 2015 4:02 pm

    Creative poem, Karen.  And everyone loves a cat... er, kitten, so I welcome the subject.
    I prefer IS instead of BE... keep consistency in tense.  Not sure what to do about CAR... maybe change it to comparison with the big guy...  Nice work.  Double Cutie's dinner tonight.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 306
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: apologies in advance...the Return of the Cat Poem

    Post  Karen on Sat Sep 26, 2015 3:30 pm

    You are kind to critique this with such care.  I enjoyed the silliness of the parody, but now you've made me want to improve it!

    The "snow be" and "fur be" are out, to be replaced with modern language.  The two "blacks" are out. 

    You may have to pry the compact car from my cold dead fingers.

    Todd, you've given me an idea.  I'm going to ponder a twist for the final couplet.  Cutie really can be a most unpleasant customer.  I know I have the material to work with, if I can just spin it right.

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Housecat Sonnet

    Post  Pat on Sat Sep 26, 2015 8:49 pm

    It's in process, Karen.  I'd like to see this when you've reworked it.  Glad to hear you are going with contemporary language all the way through.  Less distracting.   What are Cutie's eyes like?  Might want to focus on what she is like?  Is that cute too?  speed, personality, dance, how she sits, purrs, lies, dreams, toys.  What does her movement do to your days? Just throwing out possibilities. . .  Hope something here helps.

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