The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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    TELL ME A STORY

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    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR

    TELL ME A STORY Empty TELL ME A STORY

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:41 am

    Trying to weave a couple of universals and a touch of mystery into a poem that needs more poetics--- I borrowed that word from Dennis--- also the line breaks seem odd.  Please, any thoughts you may have regarding this piece.  Thanks, Dewell.

    TELL ME A STORY

    Tell me a story, Daddy.
    Tell me a story about me when I was little.
    You know, when Mommy birthed me.

    And and you wrapped me
    In the little yellow blanket
    All warm and snuggly

    And you gave me to Mommy
    And everybody smiled.
    You said I was no bigger

    Than your hand...
    Which hand, Daddy?
    Show me.  Did I cry like

    They say babies do at birthing?
    Was everybody happy?  Clapping?
    Saying good things about me?

    Did you count my fingers and toes?
    Did I have Mommy's button nose?
    Did I wrap my hand around your pinkie?  Tight?

    Please, Daddy, tell me my
    Special story again
    While we wait for the Midwife.

        -Dewell H. Byrd
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    Dennis 20
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    TELL ME A STORY Empty In the tree top the cradle will

    Post  Dennis 20 Fri Sep 25, 2015 4:17 pm

    I get it since you preface it with your thought of "a couple of universes." Without that this is a hard one.  The voice is that of a child which I think you intend, but some of the words tend to belong to a much older person.  Of course, I could see this as being a much older daughter when I come to the zinger at the end.  I like the ending with the younger child in mind, but birthed and birthing don't fit in with a small child's vocabulary.  "when Mommy found me" and"did I cry like they say new borns do" might rectify the problem I have with it.  You have good child words; blanket, Mommy, Daddy, pinkie, count fingers and toes.  I feel it tries to bridge to big a span with the "birth" word. It definitely jumps a couple of universes and a little more than I'm comfortable with.  May just be me.
    Karen
    Karen


    Posts : 320
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 70
    Location : North Little Rock

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    Post  Karen Sat Sep 26, 2015 3:05 pm

    The zinger at the end caught ME by surprise.  I think Dennis has pinned it with his suggestion of using words a child would use.  If you can find words that are simpler, but not necessarily childish, you could really add to the surprise.  The reader would assume the speaker was a child from the context, but the words would still be true to an adult speaker in rereading.

    I like a poem that makes me go right back to the beginning again as soon as I finish it!
    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    TELL ME A STORY Empty Shift at the end

    Post  tsukany Sat Sep 26, 2015 5:40 pm

    Dewell

    I read the poem and was disturbed by the shift in the persona's age.  Then the poem shifts HARD at the end to the father standing with his daughter at the birth of the grandchild.  If that is where you were going, I think it would be helpful to hint that in the title so the reader doesn't have to try to "fix" the shifts.  If that is not your intent, then the persona's voice needs to be of a consistent age.  Smile

    Fun stuff

    Todd
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    TELL ME A STORY Empty Tell me a story

    Post  Pat Sat Sep 26, 2015 9:40 pm

    Dewell, I think it's sweet, then I feel tricked by the last line.  Then, I cannot identify unless the woman having the baby is challenged? It's just not the norm conversation if you are waiting on a midwife.  I'm not prepared for it, for sure.  I wanted something sweet like:  and let's sit close.  or and let's hold hands.  Children usually direct us on what they want.  We just have to listen. 
    I just didn't know what to do with the adult part.
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    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR

    TELL ME A STORY Empty TELL ME A STORY (revised)

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:34 am

    I wanted the reader to see the persona as a female child OR young woman expecting her first born.  Didn't quite make it.  Most readers were uncomfortable with the result.  SO, I'll clean up the poem and change end line to read:  While we wait for Mommy's midwife.
    (I'll bet that newborn will be a stinky little boy.)
    Dewell
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
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    TELL ME A STORY Empty Telling a Story

    Post  Pat Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:44 pm

    I like your plan.  : )
    tsukany
    tsukany


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    TELL ME A STORY Empty Dewell

    Post  tsukany Mon Sep 28, 2015 7:30 am

    Dewell,  I think I got your intent from the first reading.  I am not sure that I communicated that in my response.  I wonder if changing to the definite article in the title will help.  I wonder if there's another term of endearment other than Mommy and Daddy?  I don't think the poem is far from completion.

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