TELL ME A STORY

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TELL ME A STORY

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:41 am

Trying to weave a couple of universals and a touch of mystery into a poem that needs more poetics--- I borrowed that word from Dennis--- also the line breaks seem odd.  Please, any thoughts you may have regarding this piece.  Thanks, Dewell.

TELL ME A STORY

Tell me a story, Daddy.
Tell me a story about me when I was little.
You know, when Mommy birthed me.

And and you wrapped me
In the little yellow blanket
All warm and snuggly

And you gave me to Mommy
And everybody smiled.
You said I was no bigger

Than your hand...
Which hand, Daddy?
Show me.  Did I cry like

They say babies do at birthing?
Was everybody happy?  Clapping?
Saying good things about me?

Did you count my fingers and toes?
Did I have Mommy's button nose?
Did I wrap my hand around your pinkie?  Tight?

Please, Daddy, tell me my
Special story again
While we wait for the Midwife.

    -Dewell H. Byrd

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In the tree top the cradle will

Post  Dennis 20 on Fri Sep 25, 2015 4:17 pm

I get it since you preface it with your thought of "a couple of universes." Without that this is a hard one.  The voice is that of a child which I think you intend, but some of the words tend to belong to a much older person.  Of course, I could see this as being a much older daughter when I come to the zinger at the end.  I like the ending with the younger child in mind, but birthed and birthing don't fit in with a small child's vocabulary.  "when Mommy found me" and"did I cry like they say new borns do" might rectify the problem I have with it.  You have good child words; blanket, Mommy, Daddy, pinkie, count fingers and toes.  I feel it tries to bridge to big a span with the "birth" word. It definitely jumps a couple of universes and a little more than I'm comfortable with.  May just be me.

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Re: TELL ME A STORY

Post  Karen on Sat Sep 26, 2015 3:05 pm

The zinger at the end caught ME by surprise.  I think Dennis has pinned it with his suggestion of using words a child would use.  If you can find words that are simpler, but not necessarily childish, you could really add to the surprise.  The reader would assume the speaker was a child from the context, but the words would still be true to an adult speaker in rereading.

I like a poem that makes me go right back to the beginning again as soon as I finish it!
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Shift at the end

Post  tsukany on Sat Sep 26, 2015 5:40 pm

Dewell

I read the poem and was disturbed by the shift in the persona's age.  Then the poem shifts HARD at the end to the father standing with his daughter at the birth of the grandchild.  If that is where you were going, I think it would be helpful to hint that in the title so the reader doesn't have to try to "fix" the shifts.  If that is not your intent, then the persona's voice needs to be of a consistent age.  Smile

Fun stuff

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Tell me a story

Post  Pat on Sat Sep 26, 2015 9:40 pm

Dewell, I think it's sweet, then I feel tricked by the last line.  Then, I cannot identify unless the woman having the baby is challenged? It's just not the norm conversation if you are waiting on a midwife.  I'm not prepared for it, for sure.  I wanted something sweet like:  and let's sit close.  or and let's hold hands.  Children usually direct us on what they want.  We just have to listen. 
I just didn't know what to do with the adult part.

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TELL ME A STORY (revised)

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:34 am

I wanted the reader to see the persona as a female child OR young woman expecting her first born.  Didn't quite make it.  Most readers were uncomfortable with the result.  SO, I'll clean up the poem and change end line to read:  While we wait for Mommy's midwife.
(I'll bet that newborn will be a stinky little boy.)
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Telling a Story

Post  Pat on Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:44 pm

I like your plan.  : )

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Dewell

Post  tsukany on Mon Sep 28, 2015 7:30 am

Dewell,  I think I got your intent from the first reading.  I am not sure that I communicated that in my response.  I wonder if changing to the definite article in the title will help.  I wonder if there's another term of endearment other than Mommy and Daddy?  I don't think the poem is far from completion.
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