The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    SPRING STREET SIDEWALK

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    Karen

    Posts : 281
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    SPRING STREET SIDEWALK

    Post  Karen on Mon Oct 26, 2015 7:34 am

    Parenthetical title ... yes or no?  The 3rd line in the 1st stanza seems snoozy.  Change it?  Ideas?

    I like the last line a lot, but I'm not sure my intention comes through, or if the idea of taking somebody or something to town is too old hat.  Probably not as old hat as "old hat".


    Spring Street Sidewalk
         (Life in the Old Girl Yet)

    I am a ruined and wrinkled slab,
    devious with broken concrete,
    dry brown leaves, dandelions.
    I can break your mother’s back.

    Cracks are facts to be respected.
    Humbling stumbling is expected.
    Pocks and loose rock are my small talk.
    I can still take you to town.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Hopscotch in chalk

    Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Oct 27, 2015 10:11 am

    I misread the title thinking it was a street sidewalk in spring. Then poof, (light came on) it was Spring street.  That might be clearer if Spring was changed to some other name for a street name. Third line--why not tree roots instead of leaves?  Roots would be more fitting in the picture with cracks, wrinkled, broken, stumbling, and loose rock.  I have seen that street in a number of towns. Good poem.

    Karen

    Posts : 281
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: SPRING STREET SIDEWALK

    Post  Karen on Tue Oct 27, 2015 8:05 pm

    This is why you guys get the big bucks!  It never would have occurred to me the most natural reading would be a street sidewalk in spring.  Better to take that confusion out of the title, and thank you, I will.

    Thanks too for the root suggestion.  That 3rd line was a leftover from the poem this started to be until it took off on its own path.  Now I need to chew on that root awhile.

    So ... parenthetical title?  Somebody give me a yea or nay and a how come.

    Pat

    Posts : 610
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Cracked Sidewalk

    Post  Pat on Thu Oct 29, 2015 12:09 pm

    I don't have a need for the parenthetical title.   We all know such sidewalks can still do the job even if it breaks our mama's back, even if old.   I questioned wrinkled.  Is it cracked or wrinkled?  I like the root suggestion.  I was not disturbed by Spring Street, but I grew up in N L R.  : )   Loved S 1, line 4.  Most of us grew up, I suppose, playing the game of not breaking your mother's back.  Last line:  I might lobby for:   Still, I can take you to town.  I like expected/respected, humbling/stumbling;  pocks/loose rocks.   Fun words.  Nice job, Karen.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 578
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    titles

    Post  tsukany on Thu Oct 29, 2015 1:45 pm

    Karen

    Cut the sub-title.  I had no distraction with Spring St.  (went to Eureka)

    I went (in line three S1) where Dennis did in his subject line:  lose the leaves . . . gain the sidewalk chalk.  It is a detail that implies more than dry leaves (woman's make-up).

    Fun poem

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 348
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    SPRING STREET SIDEWALK

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Oct 29, 2015 6:10 pm

    The description suggests it is HARDSCRABBLE Street Sidewalk.  Roots... definitely.  Seems to me that dandy lions DARE to be in sidewalk cracks and fit nicely in this poem.  Pat's notes are right on.  Hang in there Karen with your honing... this subject resonates with everybody.  Dewell

    Karen

    Posts : 281
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: SPRING STREET SIDEWALK

    Post  Karen on Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:35 pm

    Thank you all.  The roots have usurped the dry brown leaves, and the parenthetical title has gone the way of the dinosaurs. Except in my own private version.

    I am capable of killing my darlings, but sadly I am unable to bury their bodies.

    Pat

    Posts : 610
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Hilarious!

    Post  Pat on Mon Nov 02, 2015 8:10 pm

    Just don't give up or lose or bury your sense of humor.  Delightful.

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