The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Do I lose you in the set up

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    Dennis 20
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    Do I lose you in the set up

    Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Oct 27, 2015 11:17 am

    Should there be shorter sentences where the reader could pause?  

    I Went Back Home After Twenty Years

    Zipping off the freeway
    near the sprawling mall,
    circling under the overpass
    back over to the stoplight
    and right toward old stores
    on ancient, tree-shaded streets
     
    where the jittery “open” sign
    flickers in neon to the few
    old stores that didn’t die
    when the town moved
    to the lure of Walmart,
     
    I find the two-lane
    that crooks and winds
    past modern subdivisions,
    weed-consumed farms,
    abandoned mining pits,
    windblown plastic bags
    snagged on barbed wire,
    and an untraveled hidden lane
    where the house, unkempt,
    leans against the weather.
     
    Mother’s rose bursts with blooms
    just like I remember.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Going Back Home

    Post  Pat on Thu Oct 29, 2015 12:52 pm

    Dennis,  this is a story we all know.  We can identify with the changes you encountered.  I like your assonances and alliterations, your visual images,  the details.  The word consumed bothers me a little (not sure why though):  other options:  ragged weeds? or weed infested?  Are you aware of using old stores twice?  Mother's rose or rose bush or roses bursting....?  Very fine poem.  I am being ticky-picky like I want you to be with my work.  I enjoyed it very much.   Thanks for sharing it with us.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Just a couple places for me

    Post  tsukany on Thu Oct 29, 2015 1:29 pm

    Dennis,

    I got snagged by a couple places in the poem:

    is "right" in line five a direction?

    There are two sues of "old stores" and that makes it seem more important than the poem warrants. 

    Line eight of stanza three begins with "and" I read it "to"

    "leans against the weather" is FINE writing.

    Thanks

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    I Went Back Home...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Oct 29, 2015 6:23 pm

    Exit I-30 south at Route #5 toward S A L E M water tower and Scott cemetery and you come to my birthplace.  So familiar, this poem jiggles memory of my going home.  Is mother's rosebush on the lee side of the house?  Seems these two items might wed well...
    I did not feel the season, Dennis.  Did I miss something.  Thanks for including me on this trip.  Dewell

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    A touchup here

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sat Oct 31, 2015 9:49 am

    I tweeked this with your suggestions.

    I Went Back Home After Twenty Years

    Zipping off the freeway
    near the new sprawling mall,
    circling under the overpass
    back over to the stoplight,
    then right toward downtown
    to ancient, tree-shaded streets
     
    where the jittery “open” sign
    flickers in neon to the few,
    old stores that didn’t die
    when everything moved out
    with the lure of Walmart,
     
    I find the two-lane
    that crooks and winds
    past modern subdivisions,
    farms overgrown with weeds,
    abandoned mining pits,
    windblown plastic bags
    snagged on barbed wire,
    to an untraveled hidden lane
    where the house, unkempt,
    leans against the weather.
     
    Mother’s rose bursts with blooms
    just like I remember.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    nice

    Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 31, 2015 9:52 am

    Wow.  What a clean journey.  Thanks and hope you win enough $$ with this one to share with many loved ones.  Smile
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Do I lose you in the set up

    Post  Karen on Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:20 pm

    Critique Lesson #2 for the latecomer.  Everyone hopped on the small things that needed attention.  One thing still bugs me.  I want "Mother's rose bush" instead of "Mother's rose".  And yes, Todd, "leans against the weather" is the phrase that grabbed me hard.

    Dennis, I love this one. 

    aside to Dennis ... I drove through there mid-month.  I stopped to see Ed at the Chat & Scat and took your name in vain.  He didn't know I stopped to see him.  He thought I stopped for the quarter tank of gas.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Too Much Touch

    Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Nov 03, 2015 8:25 am

    Karen,  I toyed with the idea of rosebush and that would have given lots of B's for sound, but it would have put another syllable and I like the poetry of how it read in relation to the last line.  More to the point, how it seemed to meter after "weather."  Wait, did I say poetry?  Pardon me.  Thank you guys for all the help you always give.  You may force me to be a poet against my better skills.

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