Do I lose you in the set up

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Do I lose you in the set up

Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Oct 27, 2015 11:17 am

Should there be shorter sentences where the reader could pause?  

I Went Back Home After Twenty Years

Zipping off the freeway
near the sprawling mall,
circling under the overpass
back over to the stoplight
and right toward old stores
on ancient, tree-shaded streets
 
where the jittery “open” sign
flickers in neon to the few
old stores that didn’t die
when the town moved
to the lure of Walmart,
 
I find the two-lane
that crooks and winds
past modern subdivisions,
weed-consumed farms,
abandoned mining pits,
windblown plastic bags
snagged on barbed wire,
and an untraveled hidden lane
where the house, unkempt,
leans against the weather.
 
Mother’s rose bursts with blooms
just like I remember.

Dennis 20
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Going Back Home

Post  Pat on Thu Oct 29, 2015 12:52 pm

Dennis,  this is a story we all know.  We can identify with the changes you encountered.  I like your assonances and alliterations, your visual images,  the details.  The word consumed bothers me a little (not sure why though):  other options:  ragged weeds? or weed infested?  Are you aware of using old stores twice?  Mother's rose or rose bush or roses bursting....?  Very fine poem.  I am being ticky-picky like I want you to be with my work.  I enjoyed it very much.   Thanks for sharing it with us.

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Just a couple places for me

Post  tsukany on Thu Oct 29, 2015 1:29 pm

Dennis,

I got snagged by a couple places in the poem:

is "right" in line five a direction?

There are two sues of "old stores" and that makes it seem more important than the poem warrants. 

Line eight of stanza three begins with "and" I read it "to"

"leans against the weather" is FINE writing.

Thanks
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I Went Back Home...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Oct 29, 2015 6:23 pm

Exit I-30 south at Route #5 toward S A L E M water tower and Scott cemetery and you come to my birthplace.  So familiar, this poem jiggles memory of my going home.  Is mother's rosebush on the lee side of the house?  Seems these two items might wed well...
I did not feel the season, Dennis.  Did I miss something.  Thanks for including me on this trip.  Dewell

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A touchup here

Post  Dennis 20 on Sat Oct 31, 2015 9:49 am

I tweeked this with your suggestions.

I Went Back Home After Twenty Years

Zipping off the freeway
near the new sprawling mall,
circling under the overpass
back over to the stoplight,
then right toward downtown
to ancient, tree-shaded streets
 
where the jittery “open” sign
flickers in neon to the few,
old stores that didn’t die
when everything moved out
with the lure of Walmart,
 
I find the two-lane
that crooks and winds
past modern subdivisions,
farms overgrown with weeds,
abandoned mining pits,
windblown plastic bags
snagged on barbed wire,
to an untraveled hidden lane
where the house, unkempt,
leans against the weather.
 
Mother’s rose bursts with blooms
just like I remember.

Dennis 20
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nice

Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 31, 2015 9:52 am

Wow.  What a clean journey.  Thanks and hope you win enough $$ with this one to share with many loved ones.  Smile
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Re: Do I lose you in the set up

Post  Karen on Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:20 pm

Critique Lesson #2 for the latecomer.  Everyone hopped on the small things that needed attention.  One thing still bugs me.  I want "Mother's rose bush" instead of "Mother's rose".  And yes, Todd, "leans against the weather" is the phrase that grabbed me hard.

Dennis, I love this one. 

aside to Dennis ... I drove through there mid-month.  I stopped to see Ed at the Chat & Scat and took your name in vain.  He didn't know I stopped to see him.  He thought I stopped for the quarter tank of gas.

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Too Much Touch

Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Nov 03, 2015 8:25 am

Karen,  I toyed with the idea of rosebush and that would have given lots of B's for sound, but it would have put another syllable and I like the poetry of how it read in relation to the last line.  More to the point, how it seemed to meter after "weather."  Wait, did I say poetry?  Pardon me.  Thank you guys for all the help you always give.  You may force me to be a poet against my better skills.

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