The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    SPARROWS ON BARBED WIRE #2

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    SPARROWS ON BARBED WIRE #2

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Oct 27, 2015 9:10 pm

    Now I remember why I don't like form.  My poem, Sparrows On Barbed Wire, was published in the anthology FROM UNDER AMERICA'S BRIDGES...  thought I'd try a different viewpoint with #2...reads a little rough in places.  Can you help?  Dewell

    SPARROWS ON BARBED WIRE #2

    Timid they come from the brush and the bridge
    To McDonald's parking lot
    To fill an empty crop.

    Limping they drag their world a-back, bubble wrapped
    To glean the leavings
    Of hurry scurry.

    Dodging cars, trucks, boots and busses schooled
    Flock to the dumpster dive
    They seek to survive.

    Screaming, Asst Mgr Big Bad Bob flat of foot and face
    Brooms and flails with mops and pails
    Threatening an aerie jail.

    Starlings, short of tail, march in body armor goose-step
    To flush the riff raff free
    And please the Madame's tea.

    Scorning grackles and crows adorn lights on high
    Scream, cheer, make it clear
    No sparrows here, My Dear.

    Over and again the sparrows linger in fallow fields
    To hover until night bids
    A return to brush and bridge

    Clinging to life with broken nails.

       -Dewell H. Byrd

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Sparrows....

    Post  Pat on Thu Oct 29, 2015 1:14 pm

    Dewell, I see you are following the sparrows.  I like all the rhyme and rhythm and alliteration.  I notice the parallelism at the beginning of stanzas.  Nice.
    I have questions:  Not sure what the empty crop refers to in S 1:  birds or lot?  Their world? sparrows' world? school buses?  What if you said:  They flock to the dumpster dive/  Seeking to survive. ??? We don't need Asst Mgt:  what if you just say Manager Big Bad Bob. . . .?  goose-stepping?  flushing? Last line of S 5:  I'm lost on how that one fits.  My Dear?  It rhymes, but I'm trying to make it make sense to me.   Not sure that I need with broken nails (last line).  I like the 3 line stanzas.  They let me breathe my way through the poem.  Thank you for sharing the poem.  I feel like I am beating your poem with a stick.  : (   Know that I like that you see the significance in lowly sparrows, that they are worth writing about.  Good topic.  I think you have a good poem in the making.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Form?

    Post  tsukany on Thu Oct 29, 2015 1:24 pm

    Dewell

    Not sure of the form.  Seems like lines two and three rhyme (but not in stanza two).

    Seems like a couple lines are forced.

    Not much help from me.  Sorry

    Todd

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    SPARROWS....

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Oct 29, 2015 5:48 pm

    OUCH!
    Please read the poem as if:
    Sparrows are homeless people--
    Starlings are police --
    Grackles & crows are city fathers --
    Madame is the paying customers ---
    ETC!!

    Now.  Does that help?
    Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Sparrows

    Post  Pat on Thu Oct 29, 2015 9:36 pm

    It certainly does help.  I was just thinking sparrows. So many characters, I could not keep up.  You have a LOT going on in this poem.  It's like a Grandma Moses painting.  I almost never see everything in her painting.  Interesting.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Sparrow me

    Post  Dennis 20 on Fri Oct 30, 2015 11:54 am

    Dewell,  I was lost until you offered an explanation.  You may need a bridge (pun) to span the gap from sparrows to police, customers, city fathers.  I could see the homeless, but the others were not on my horizon until you explained.  I think a couple of your rhyme words were forced. That being said, take out strophes 4-6 and it would look good.  Keep working.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Title thought

    Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 30, 2015 1:50 pm

    Dewell,

    If you offer a title like Sparrows: an Allegory, the reader might be able to make the jumps.

    Todd
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    Karen

    Posts : 305
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: SPARROWS ON BARBED WIRE #2

    Post  Karen on Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:31 pm

    Todd's title suggestion helps matters.  Thank you Dewell, for the backstory.  I like what's going on, but I don't know form well enough to recognize this form.  Pat, you're killing me with the Grandma Moses analogy.  The poem strikes me the same way.  Fascinating but confusing.

    I got the Revision #4 by email and YES.  I like it.

    Big Bad Bob, RIP.

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