The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    NO THANK YOU

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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    NO THANK YOU

    Post  Karen on Sat Nov 21, 2015 8:46 am

    I apologize for tormenting Christmas again.  If I knew how to stop, I would. 

    This poem made me fall down during a 50K last Saturday.  I was woolgathering and BOOM, I was flat on the pea gravel concrete path.  I wiped out the heels of both hands, both elbows through long sleeves, and conked an evil black strawberry on my unmentionable when my pubic bone hit.  I seem to always fall face down.  I was bloody, but not too injured.  I ran 23 more miles and finished the race and the poem.

    So ... too long?  Too silly?  Better title?  The food porn stanza seems like a weak sister.  Help!  I've gotten the fun out of it, but now I'm trying to decide if I want to do anything more than read it at Vino's next month.

    NO THANK YOU

    Hey diddle diddle, December’s a little
    surprising, just yesterday it was July.
    The isthmus to Christmas from Thanksgiving Day
    is narrow and scary and laden with pie.

    The pumpkin and mince, whether runny or dense,
    have scarcely been given away,
    when cookies and candy and Great Balls of Brandy
    begin to appear every day.

    The presence of peppermint permeates all
    despite protestations of When!
    Pretzel-armed snowmen arrive in the gloaming
    of chocolate darker than sin.

    Gingerbread houses and gingerbread men,
    marshmallow glop that is sickeningly sweet,
    cinnamon coffee and butterscotch toffee
    and pastry too pretty to flush or to eat.

    Gumdrops and snowdrops, rum drops and blow pops,
    covered with caramel and scented with spice.
    Coffeecake strudel, the kit and caboodle
    of nutcracker soldiers and burnt-pecan mice.

    Red and green popcorn is nothing but food porn.
    Tootsie roll droppings are not reindeer poop.
    Pistachio brittle, Vanilla Bean Skittles,
    I’m loco on cocoa, how low can I stoop?

    Beware the decanter, a bobblehead Santa.
    The syrupy contents would gag a large elf.
    For God’s sake, don’t buy it, nobody will try it.
    I’ve got one just like it, I bought it myself.

    So gird now your loins for the holiday onslaught.
    Be merry, but wary; give caution a chance.
    Say no when you can.  Say yes when you must.
    Your thighs will be thankful.  You’ll fit in your pants.

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    No Thank You

    Post  Don C on Wed Nov 25, 2015 5:31 pm

    Good work with dactyl and rhymes. My only suggestion is to rewrite to improve the rhythms. Of course, some enjambments improve the poem, but I wold work to get the quatrains a little more symmetrical.

    You've done an excellent job with words--Some were a little surprising in their usage. But that added to the flavor of the poem.  Good poem.

    Don
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: NO THANK YOU

    Post  Karen on Wed Nov 25, 2015 8:27 pm

    Thank you for the input, Don.  I get some unhappy surprises about line length when I write aloud.  I've certainly found out how enjambed I am (a word? if not, it should be!) trying to memorize the fool thing.  My infatuation with some of the lines is wearing off, which should help me buck up and perform the necessary surgery.   

    It's good to hear your voice here!

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    NO THANK YOU

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Nov 29, 2015 8:54 pm

    Love the in-line rhymes... reminds me of the song "A Few Of My Favorite Things??"... however, the end rhyming seems forced in several places.  Those extra long lines rather jump out at you as if not fitting in this poem... reader loses concentration there.  Yes, the poem seems about two stanzas too long but I can't decide which two to cut. 
    A real fun poem.  Bet you enjoyed those tongue ticklers. 

    Good work, Karen, and thanks for sharing.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: NO THANK YOU

    Post  Karen on Mon Nov 30, 2015 6:17 am

    Stanzas 5 and 6 are for the chopping block!

    I am satisfied with this poem in its entirety when I hear myself read it, but if it's going to be more than a one-night stand at Vino's, I need to put on my Big Girl syllable-counting reading glasses and get to work.  I might cannibalize some of slag heap to buck up the remainder. 

    I confess to torturing rhyme.  It's a weakness.  I need to go bother Christmas carols with that particular problem.  Talk about worse than a cat poem!

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Re: NO THANK YOU

    Post  Pat on Mon Nov 30, 2015 12:14 pm

    Karen wrote:Stanzas 5 and 6 are for the chopping block!

    I am satisfied with this poem in its entirety when I hear myself read it, but if it's going to be more than a one-night stand at Vino's, I need to put on my Big Girl syllable-counting reading glasses and get to work.  I might cannibalize some of slag heap to buck up the remainder. 

    I confess to torturing rhyme.  It's a weakness.  I need to go bother Christmas carols with that particular problem.  Talk about worse than a cat poem!

    Karen, I finally hit quote.  I cannot find the Post and Reply on this.  No telling what I did.  I do not see my post on your page which I did last night?   Rolling Eyes   So, a little more:   I spoke of  the syllable count (11) and too much for me to digest.  I think cutting the last two stanzas is a great idea.  You are hilarious and this is delightful, just so much for our minds after the Thanksgiving dinner.  Keep writing and editing.  It'll pay off.  This is from Pat
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Not much new to add

    Post  tsukany on Mon Nov 30, 2015 2:33 pm

    I too got caught expecting metered lines.  I think it will be worth the pressure to meter it.

    I was surprised by the ending.  I wasn't sure I remember being prepared for an eating poem.  Smile
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: NO THANK YOU

    Post  Karen on Mon Nov 30, 2015 8:36 pm

    Metering it is, then.

    Todd, you're killing me, not being properly braced for an eating poem.

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