The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Blood Moon

    Share

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Blood Moon

    Post  Pat on Thu Nov 26, 2015 8:06 pm

    I have reworked this so many times.  I am happy to turn it over to your eyes. I hope one of you saw this happening in the sky. I'll take any kind of help you can offer.  


    Blood Moon

    Like moonflowers govern at night,
    the milky moon rules the palm of the sky.

    She rises, as always, over
    the rim of the mountain,

    and tonight she is lined up:
    sun, earth, moon---earth in the middle.

    Full and suspended, she crosses
    the earth's shadow.

    She is slowly swaddled in darkness
    turning her lantern

    a dull, reddish glow.
    Tender, celestial event.

    Such a minuscule movement of
    God's finger.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    BLOOD MOON

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Nov 29, 2015 9:06 pm

    Yes, we saw it, too.  Probably a few moments after you did... There was a glow... moisture in the air, maybe.  Lovely poem, Pat.
    A few possible considerations:
    reverse the first two lines
    change govern to glowing
    delete last stanza...

    If you keep the last stanza then front it with a couplet that leads us into your God ending.  Otherwise there is too big a jump.

    Your poem... reminds me of that night... gives me shivers... Elsa likes it, too.  Dewell
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Blood Moon

    Post  Karen on Mon Nov 30, 2015 6:03 am

    Pat, I love this beyond any of your work I have read.  I saw this blood moon too.

    the milky moon rules the palm of the sky

    ... turning her lantern

    a dull, reddish glow

    Good, good stuff.  I want something different though on tonight she is lined up, maybe something with in sync? synchronize? harmonize?

    You've captured the picture for me, and more importantly, the feeling.

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Blood Moon

    Post  Don C on Mon Nov 30, 2015 8:25 am

    Good poem, Pat.
    You use the line "sun,earth, moon --earth in the middle. This seems redundant. we have read sun,earth, moon and we easily see the earth is in the middle.

    Full and suspended, she crosses
    the earth's shadow,

    slowly swaddled in darkness
    turning her lantern
    (Using the comma and omitting "She is" creates an enjambment )

    a dull, redidsh glow.
    Tender, celestial event--

    the minuscule movement 
    of God's finger.
    Omitting the period and using dashes emphasizes the event.

    Just a thought
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Wood shed

    Post  tsukany on Mon Nov 30, 2015 2:38 pm

    Pat,

    I wonder if the first part can sound less like an astronomy lesson?  I think most readers consider the moon as a "female" in the southern hemisphere.  I wonder if there's another "persona" to add freshness to the offering?

    Todd
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Pat's revised poem from E-mail

    Post  tsukany on Mon Nov 30, 2015 3:05 pm

    Blood Moon
     
    She rules the palm of the sky
    while moonflowers reign in the yard.
     
    The milky moon rises, as always, over
    the rim of the mountain.
     
    Tonight she is synchronized with 
    sun, earth, moon.
     
    Full and suspended, she crosses
    the earth’s shadow.
     
    The moon is slowly swaddled
    in darkness,
     
    turning her lantern
    a dull, reddish glow—
     
    such a miniscule movement
    of God’s finger. 
     
    Pat
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I much prefer the revision

    Post  tsukany on Mon Nov 30, 2015 3:06 pm

    Pat,

    Seems much closer in this version.  I still think a couple places at the end are "weedy."

    Well done.

    Todd

    Sponsored content

    Re: Blood Moon

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Fri Jul 20, 2018 1:54 am