The Last Friday

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The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


4 posters

    Is the comparison clear?

    tsukany
    tsukany


    Posts : 924
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Is the comparison clear? Empty Is the comparison clear?

    Post  tsukany Mon Nov 30, 2015 2:25 pm

    Poetic Invitation

    When we first meet, you can’t tell me
      what’s on my mind,
      read my right eyebrow
         like a spouse,
      give me assignments
         like a teacher,
      pour imperatives
         like a parent.  
    You need
      to be patient,
         like a lover,
      to uncover me.

    --Todd Sukany 29 Nov 2015
    Karen
    Karen


    Posts : 320
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 70
    Location : North Little Rock

    Is the comparison clear? Empty Re: Is the comparison clear?

    Post  Karen Mon Nov 30, 2015 8:43 pm

    Yes.  The comparison is clear to me.

    I like seeing this angle of you I haven't seen before.

    The lines that grab me are read my right eyebrow/like a spouse.  The ending is strong too, with the double meaning.

    I want one change: the first line broken into two lines.
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    Pat


    Posts : 1162
    Join date : 2011-09-12

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    Post  Pat Wed Dec 02, 2015 8:02 am

    Comparison is clear.
    I esp. like "reading an eyebrow" and those indentions! 
    What if you drop "tell me" in line one and put "say" on line two? . . . it'd parallel better with the rest of the lines.
    I'm thinking "can't" is casual;   cannot, more definite.  Just how it hits me this morning.
    Where is the invite?  
    I'm waiting for the invite.  Btw, "you need" stopped me.  (I want to put "to" following need, up on previous line, but that was not the bigger deal to me. 
    You are telling someone else what she needs to do, not inviting her. . . .  what if you said, "I invite you/ to move slow/like a lover/hoping to uncover me. 
    I follow the entire poem. . .
    Please. . . take what you need here and leave the rest.
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    Dewell H. Byrd


    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 93
    Location : Central Point, OR

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    Post  Dewell H. Byrd Fri Dec 04, 2015 3:23 pm

    Yes, Todd, the comparison is clear for me.
    I like the indenting although I had to work
    at it some.  My skill set is nil on indents...
    Where is my ART & CRAFT of POETRY?

    The intensity of this poem seems to
    increase with each line... I like!

    And I like the line breaks as you have them.
    Dewell

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