The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Is the comparison clear?

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Is the comparison clear?

    Post  tsukany on Mon Nov 30, 2015 2:25 pm

    Poetic Invitation

    When we first meet, you can’t tell me
      what’s on my mind,
      read my right eyebrow
         like a spouse,
      give me assignments
         like a teacher,
      pour imperatives
         like a parent.  
    You need
      to be patient,
         like a lover,
      to uncover me.

    --Todd Sukany 29 Nov 2015
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Is the comparison clear?

    Post  Karen on Mon Nov 30, 2015 8:43 pm

    Yes.  The comparison is clear to me.

    I like seeing this angle of you I haven't seen before.

    The lines that grab me are read my right eyebrow/like a spouse.  The ending is strong too, with the double meaning.

    I want one change: the first line broken into two lines.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Invitation

    Post  Pat on Wed Dec 02, 2015 8:02 am

    Comparison is clear.
    I esp. like "reading an eyebrow" and those indentions! 
    What if you drop "tell me" in line one and put "say" on line two? . . . it'd parallel better with the rest of the lines.
    I'm thinking "can't" is casual;   cannot, more definite.  Just how it hits me this morning.
    Where is the invite?  
    I'm waiting for the invite.  Btw, "you need" stopped me.  (I want to put "to" following need, up on previous line, but that was not the bigger deal to me. 
    You are telling someone else what she needs to do, not inviting her. . . .  what if you said, "I invite you/ to move slow/like a lover/hoping to uncover me. 
    I follow the entire poem. . .
    Please. . . take what you need here and leave the rest.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Is The Comparison Clear?

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Dec 04, 2015 3:23 pm

    Yes, Todd, the comparison is clear for me.
    I like the indenting although I had to work
    at it some.  My skill set is nil on indents...
    Where is my ART & CRAFT of POETRY?

    The intensity of this poem seems to
    increase with each line... I like!

    And I like the line breaks as you have them.
    Dewell

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