The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Checking the logic flow on this one.

    Share
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Checking the logic flow on this one.

    Post  tsukany on Fri Dec 18, 2015 3:55 pm

    Sainthood

    . . . this oath is a dead end.  
    Not where one needs to hang
    the head in shame, traipsing back,
    following one's own footprints
    like a pack-animal hiding
    the number of hungry mouths.  No,  

    this vow dead-ends in death,
    cessation of breathing-in one's
    repugnance and avarice.  No,

    this dead end is death itself.  
    Oh sure, there will be stories
    of how one drove rose branches,
    complete with thorns,
    into sleeping apparel,
    so by morning, blood drops
    like sin drips onto white perfection.  

    Likely, others will be inspired to humility
    and replication, self-effacement,  
    cloistered in a room of penitence.   

    Others will remember you
    fed animals in botanical gardens,
    surrounded by honeysuckle-circled bird feeders,  
    or trolled urban streets and alleys
    for orphans and the homeless.  

    But others will reflect on
    the ascendancy . . .  
    between living in this world
    and in another's fantasy.

    --Todd Sukany 30 Nov 2015
    avatar
    Karen

    Posts : 299
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Checking the logic flow on this one.

    Post  Karen on Sat Dec 19, 2015 10:42 am

    I have been reading Mary Karr's Lit and Sinners Welcome.  Religious conflict has been much on my mind. 

    I particularly like starting in the middle of not-sure-where, and the "No" at the end of the first two stanzas. 

    "rose branches, complete with thorns"  Strong.

    I found "honeysuckle-circled" to be a tongue twister aloud.

    This poem caught me and held me down.  The way I think a poem should.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Sainthood

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sat Dec 19, 2015 6:33 pm

    Todd,    This is way too long for the Todd I know!  You never write anything with this many words.  Out of character for you. That said, I thought at first you beat the dead-end thing to death using it in the first three strophes, but after reading the poem and tracing the thought I think it fits in nicely.  I too, had trouble wrapping my tongue around "honeysuckled-circled bird feeders."  I like the "trolled urban streets..." for the compassion it added to the work. I know you need the last strophe to complete the thought of what people will remember, but I think this could be a good ending place because of the impact. I like the picture that lingers with those words.  
    I have a good friend who is not expected to live much longer and have asked to say something at the service. One of the things he often said was, "they don't make things like they use to." and that is the words I have chosen to end my comments with. He is/was that kind of man. Good work.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Sainthood

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Dec 23, 2015 12:57 pm

    Poem seems a little long... sags in the middle... like trying to capture all possibilities.
    pack animals/hungry mouths... I don't get that... how does it fit this poem?
    Trolled urban streets and rose branches are powerful images and made me want to write a poem.
    S #4... likely others... refers to whom? 
    S#6... I like ... a few may... instead of ... a few will...

    Yes, I think the poem holds together well.

    Sorry If I got picky on your poem... it happens.  Dewell
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Repairing?

    Post  tsukany on Wed Dec 23, 2015 2:02 pm

    Sainthood

    . . . this oath is a dead end--
    cessation of breathing-in one's
    repugnance and avarice.  Your
    vow ends in death itself.  

    Oh sure, there will be stories
    of how she drove rose branches,
    complete with thorns,
    into sleeping apparel,
    so by morning, blood drops
    like sin drips onto white perfection.  

    Some will remember Francis
    fed animals in botanical gardens,
    by flower-circled bird feeders,  
    or trolled urban streets and alleys
    for orphans and the homeless.  

    But modern minds may weigh
    the ascendancy  . . .
    between living in this world
    and in another's fantasy.

    --Todd Sukany 30 Nov 2015

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    this oath

    Post  Dennis 20 on Thu Dec 24, 2015 7:50 am

    Todd,  More streamlined.  I would like to see you remove the word "your" in the first strophe. It tends to introduce another player into the equation that does not resurface.  You go from your to she to another (last strophe).  I think taking out "your" would make it more powerful.

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Sainthood Repaired is what I am responding to.

    Post  Pat on Mon Jan 04, 2016 3:37 pm

    I get it, I understand it, I like it.  Not the first poem, the second one.  : )   Now, to get a little ticky:   S 1:   How about This vow. . . .or The vow   because the title tells us which vow it is.  Your limits.

    S 3, line 3:  do you need this line?  I don't.  How about ... will remember Francis fed animals and birds or trolled. . . . S 3, last line.  Do you need the before homeless?

    S 4:  line one:   I think may weakens the stanza.  I'd drop it.

    I like the poem.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Pat

    Post  tsukany on Mon Jan 04, 2016 4:49 pm

    Crown yourself!  Great suggestions for all of us.  You were missed and remain greatly appreciated.

    Thanks

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'm learning from the best:

    Post  Pat on Mon Jan 04, 2016 5:25 pm

    from you guys!   Thank you for your kindness and for your teaching me.  : )

    Sponsored content

    Re: Checking the logic flow on this one.

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Tue Sep 25, 2018 1:44 am