The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    DOLPHINS AT PLAY

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 371
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    DOLPHINS AT PLAY

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Dec 20, 2015 1:30 pm

    Got a sailfish; 101 inches long, but no marlin that day.  Poem seems rough of rhyme.  HELP!  Is the story line clear?  Should I delete the honeymooners?  Is it OK to have the rhythm bounce around like that?  All suggestions appreciated.  Dewell

    DOLPHINS AT PLAY

    We roar out of Mazatlán Bay
    with November dawn a-new
    on a pewter sea, a soft-soft sea,
    in search of the marlin blue.

    Five lines trail in a wide white wake,
    the captain eyes the west.
    He pilots White Star holding true
    while the deck hand swigs a brew.

    The honeymooners swoon and coo.
    I sit tight, belted for the bite,
    eager for a fight, any fight.
    Time drags.  A sailfish will do.

    A dash of black off starboard bow
    peals out and disappears,
    back in a flash, jet black flash,
    and its mate on larboard nears.

    In the blink of an eye, a weathered eye,
    we spy an hundred times three
    sounding deep and leaping high,
    countless dolphin chatter with glee.

    The bride hangs over the starboard rail,
    the groom holds heel and tail,
    the jesters leap, laugh and screech
    staying just an inch out of reach.

    At a signal from none they end their fun
    and ghost away into the heft.
    With spirits high we bid them bye
    and thank them for their wondrous gift.

    Memories fade and dreams are staid
    but the company three and dolphin glee
    are now and forever a part of me.

        -Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 615
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Not sure if my thoughts will help

    Post  tsukany on Sun Dec 20, 2015 5:55 pm

    Dewell

    I don't think the poem is true to the title.  I think the elements that are true are what should remain.

    It seems like there is a refrain for most line threes.  That is a fun feature.

    I am not sure I'd keep the final stanza.  I think the end of the previous one is much stronger.

    I really think the dolphins are worth chasing.  (pun intended)
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    Karen

    Posts : 309
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: DOLPHINS AT PLAY

    Post  Karen on Tue Dec 22, 2015 7:32 am

    Well for pity's sake, all I seem to say anymore is I agree with Todd.  I agree the poem ends well with the elimination of the last 3 lines, and the dolphins are worth chasing.  I love that you've turned a specific memory into a poem.

    Two lines that rang a bit off with me -

    ...while the deckhand swigs a brew.
    (I would like a different rhyme or image, and I'm wondering why the captain didn't snatch him bald)

    ...at a signal from none, they end their fun
    (at a signal from none, they turn as one?)

    This was a timely poem for me.  I read The Old Man and the Sea this week.  For the first time.  Sometimes I wonder if I was educated in a cave.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 371
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    DOLPHINS T PLAY

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Dec 23, 2015 12:18 pm

    Karen & Todd,
    Your thoughts are helpful.
    I've already deleted the last stanza
    and killed the honeymooners, though they be relatives...
    Still trying to find a better title.  Thanks, Dewell.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Old man and the sea

    Post  Dennis 20 on Thu Dec 24, 2015 8:03 am

    Dewell,  Sorry for the delay in response.  I lost a friend and have been putting thoughts together to say at his funeral which is today at ten.  I do agree with the others in  that it should be carved down a might. It actually seems like two poems.  One with the happy couple and the other with what we really expected from the title.  Maybe you could look at it from that angle. I do like your playfulness in rhyme.  Keep working on this one.

    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Dolphins

    Post  Pat on Mon Jan 04, 2016 3:19 pm

    Dewell, I think I have to begin like you did to feel like I have the full story.   You were there, so you know how it went.  Then, I have to cut the feelings and extras.  I've learned from you guys that less is better, making it more universal.  Less people make it more focused on your point. 
    Maybe the title could be Chasing Dolphins.  ????  Yes, I'd delete first and last stanzas and anything with bride and groom.  I'd keep the last two lines of S 6 and first two lines of S 7, where I  would end it. Finis.  I know it is a big knife and not the end of your story, but you'd have us if you did that.

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