DOLPHINS AT PLAY

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DOLPHINS AT PLAY

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Dec 20, 2015 1:30 pm

Got a sailfish; 101 inches long, but no marlin that day.  Poem seems rough of rhyme.  HELP!  Is the story line clear?  Should I delete the honeymooners?  Is it OK to have the rhythm bounce around like that?  All suggestions appreciated.  Dewell

DOLPHINS AT PLAY

We roar out of Mazatlán Bay
with November dawn a-new
on a pewter sea, a soft-soft sea,
in search of the marlin blue.

Five lines trail in a wide white wake,
the captain eyes the west.
He pilots White Star holding true
while the deck hand swigs a brew.

The honeymooners swoon and coo.
I sit tight, belted for the bite,
eager for a fight, any fight.
Time drags.  A sailfish will do.

A dash of black off starboard bow
peals out and disappears,
back in a flash, jet black flash,
and its mate on larboard nears.

In the blink of an eye, a weathered eye,
we spy an hundred times three
sounding deep and leaping high,
countless dolphin chatter with glee.

The bride hangs over the starboard rail,
the groom holds heel and tail,
the jesters leap, laugh and screech
staying just an inch out of reach.

At a signal from none they end their fun
and ghost away into the heft.
With spirits high we bid them bye
and thank them for their wondrous gift.

Memories fade and dreams are staid
but the company three and dolphin glee
are now and forever a part of me.

    -Dewell H. Byrd

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Not sure if my thoughts will help

Post  tsukany on Sun Dec 20, 2015 5:55 pm

Dewell

I don't think the poem is true to the title.  I think the elements that are true are what should remain.

It seems like there is a refrain for most line threes.  That is a fun feature.

I am not sure I'd keep the final stanza.  I think the end of the previous one is much stronger.

I really think the dolphins are worth chasing.  (pun intended)
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Re: DOLPHINS AT PLAY

Post  Karen on Tue Dec 22, 2015 7:32 am

Well for pity's sake, all I seem to say anymore is I agree with Todd.  I agree the poem ends well with the elimination of the last 3 lines, and the dolphins are worth chasing.  I love that you've turned a specific memory into a poem.

Two lines that rang a bit off with me -

...while the deckhand swigs a brew.
(I would like a different rhyme or image, and I'm wondering why the captain didn't snatch him bald)

...at a signal from none, they end their fun
(at a signal from none, they turn as one?)

This was a timely poem for me.  I read The Old Man and the Sea this week.  For the first time.  Sometimes I wonder if I was educated in a cave.

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DOLPHINS T PLAY

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Dec 23, 2015 12:18 pm

Karen & Todd,
Your thoughts are helpful.
I've already deleted the last stanza
and killed the honeymooners, though they be relatives...
Still trying to find a better title.  Thanks, Dewell.

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Old man and the sea

Post  Dennis 20 on Thu Dec 24, 2015 8:03 am

Dewell,  Sorry for the delay in response.  I lost a friend and have been putting thoughts together to say at his funeral which is today at ten.  I do agree with the others in  that it should be carved down a might. It actually seems like two poems.  One with the happy couple and the other with what we really expected from the title.  Maybe you could look at it from that angle. I do like your playfulness in rhyme.  Keep working on this one.

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Dolphins

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 04, 2016 3:19 pm

Dewell, I think I have to begin like you did to feel like I have the full story.   You were there, so you know how it went.  Then, I have to cut the feelings and extras.  I've learned from you guys that less is better, making it more universal.  Less people make it more focused on your point. 
Maybe the title could be Chasing Dolphins.  ????  Yes, I'd delete first and last stanzas and anything with bride and groom.  I'd keep the last two lines of S 6 and first two lines of S 7, where I  would end it. Finis.  I know it is a big knife and not the end of your story, but you'd have us if you did that.

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