It's not 2015 anymore, but here's my poem. Next,

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It's not 2015 anymore, but here's my poem. Next,

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 04, 2016 3:01 pm

I'll critique yours.  Just been overwhelmed here:  Company, company, company, Christmas, flooding at the other end of the valley, then Hog game!   I know, blah, blah, blah, but it ate my time, my feelings, my energy.  Now, back to my life!

Winter Sun

He gallops off toward the west
each evening but does not wish
to leave us in darkness.

As if to spare us,
he locks traces of himself in
white chickens, a skunk's stripe,
milk in a bottle,
a baby's new tooth,
peonies sending out scent,
snowy breath of cows,
bits of bread scattered for birds,
bolts of lightning making arcs,
a spray of cold stars,
and Lady Moon---
spilling strands of hair.

Pat

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What about?

Post  tsukany on Mon Jan 04, 2016 4:37 pm

Pat, what about switching stanzas one and two?
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Switching

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 04, 2016 5:20 pm

Hmmmm.   I like that.  Thank you!   Such a simple little thing.  I forget to play that way.  : )

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WINTER SUN

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Jan 06, 2016 11:53 am

WINTER SUN

I like the personification of winter and moon...
and the strands of moon's hair..
but the bread crumbs just don't seem to fit... lose them.

As to switching, I enjoy the poem either way...
If I were reading it to a group I'd prefer the original form (easier
for a semi-listening audience to follow)...

Late entry but worth the wait.  Thanks, Pat.
Dewell

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Thanks, Dewell.

Post  Pat on Wed Jan 06, 2016 1:41 pm

Interesting because the bread crumbs was an add-on.  : )  You are probably right.  I can lose it easily.  And I think we can respond until the 10th of the next month, so you are timely, IF I understand correctly.  Maybe I asked Todd when I joined?  I don't know, but I appreciate your input.  Thanks.

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Pat and Dewell

Post  tsukany on Wed Jan 06, 2016 8:49 pm

I never tire of visiting poems.  Smile  Press on and keep them a-coming.  (We have no rules around here that I know of [or if you prefer]  We have no rules around here of which I know.)

Todd
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Good to know, Todd.

Post  Pat on Thu Jan 07, 2016 7:20 pm

So if my life is in the ditch, I can still send poems or critique late if I need to.  Thank you!  Love the permission but want to be more timely.

Pat

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Re: It's not 2015 anymore, but here's my poem. Next,

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