The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Posting early

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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Posting early

    Post  tsukany on Sat Jan 23, 2016 8:14 am

    I would like this to have a larger audience than I originally wrote.  Can you help me simplify this?

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    Karen

    Posts : 310
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Posting early

    Post  Karen on Thu Jan 28, 2016 5:20 am

    I want to change nothing in this poem, other than I would prefer to see MY name at the bottom. 

    This is the way I should be writing, making myself, and the reader, see in a way not seen before.

    You can widen the audience by omitting the Biblical reference.  It will make some assume a tone that doesn't exist. 

    On the other hand, you may make some readers disinclined to Biblical references look it up.

    A crapshoot.

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    So we have seen glory, glory among us. . .

    Post  Pat on Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:27 pm

    As you can see, I read the scripture.  Fine poem.  Fishing is definitely important.  I know that because you capitalized it and italicized it.  Hmmm.  And you named the poem Grammar School where you get the basics.  Your poem has double meaning, of course.  Then you break down nouns, adjectives, verbs. . . verbs being the most powerful.  (Of course you know this, but I want you to know that I caught this. : )  I played with changing Fishing to Love.  : )  Another noun and verb.  I so like the last 7 lines.  I read this as a fishing poem, but also as a love poem, a grammatical poem, a spiritual poem.  Preach on, brother! I don't know how to change anything, so I offer you feedback on what I see.  This is a brainy poem.  Wonder how many readers know the difference between transitive and intransitive.  I say that because you are talking about audience.

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    An afterthought about this poem

    Post  Pat on Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:39 pm

    Fishing, like bread, IS manna too, like the Word.  It nourishes and feeds us, so that we go forth and feed/ offer Jesus to others.  See what you started. . . now, onward I go.  That's it.  Stirs up the thinking.  : )

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Ouch!!

    Post  Dennis 20 on Fri Jan 29, 2016 11:35 am

    Todd. The following is my rambling. There is no belittling tone intended. That said.  
       
     I feel for kids whose parents name them off the wall names.  It is like the proverbial
    boy named Sue. Who would name their daughter Fishing, and why? I am reminded of this:  A doctor fell into a well/broke his collar bone/ A doctor should attend the sick/and leave the well alone. Safety is in sticking to what one knows, but

    Fishing is helpful when a noun, but more helpful when used as a verb as in our monthly forum. We go fishing every month for help. Our problem, unable/don't want to stretch that much. I fished around on the computer for info on transitive and intransative uses of fishing and I'm not much better off. Just between you and me, this is way above my pay grade. I think I would take out the lines, "in the realm of the mental, intelligentsia, knowledge" which tend to alarm me that this has more than just a poem.  It is more of a poem without those lines and will come nearer to appealing "to larger audience," as you say. 
    Bottom line:  You can probably get this poem published in some New York or college magazine where I couldn't get one of mine published.  I do like the Biblical reference you use to justify the naming of she. It puts a different light on that verse.  This is a poem where the more it's read the more that's seen. I'm just not sure that people would be willing to go back for the food found it.  Kudos for the depth of work put into the poem.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Fishing, Etc

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jan 29, 2016 12:45 pm

    A many layered poem... begs reading at different times of my day.
    I like GRAMMAR LESSON for a title...
    "thing" placement on that line throws me every read...
    I did not find the initial quote especially helpful... for some weird reason I find
    that technique distracting each time I see it in a poem.

    A solid work!
    Thanks for sharing it.  Dewell

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