Is there enough info for a comparison?

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Is there enough info for a comparison?

Post  Dennis 20 on Wed Feb 24, 2016 9:28 am

Is there two sustainable pictures with parallel thoughts here?

Gravity Happens
The bottle flew in an arc,
rolled on its axis, evened out by yaw.
At the apex, sunlight in the residue
glistened in silence.
 
The flight, smooth as lifting fog,
seemed endless. Gravity happens.
The moment of truth. The crashed.
The sun-shattered halo.
 
He walked up the steps, knocked, stepped in,
picked up the last bag. Tears blurred his eyes,
welled on his cheek, rolled toward the lump
that was rock hard in his throat.

Dennis 20
Guest


Back to top Go down

Chronology again

Post  tsukany on Sat Feb 27, 2016 7:48 am

Dennis

I really like the last stanza.  It is powerful.

The first is full of abstraction and as the introduction to the poem, it kinda bars the intro as a friendly invitation.

I wonder if the title will survive a more "concrete" image as intro.

I look forward to others' responses.
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 519
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Is there enough info for a comparison?

Post  Karen on Sun Feb 28, 2016 7:58 pm

Dennis, I second Todd’s opinion.  A measure of the concrete in the first image would balance the comparison.  I would also like a stronger understanding of the relationship between the two images.  I’m a little lost as to whether they have a relationship other than a metaphorical one.

I wasn’t sure if “The crashed” was meant to be “Then crashed.”

I would keep the last stanza as it is.  It’s a good one.
avatar
Karen

Posts : 249
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Gravity falls.

Post  Pat on Mon Feb 29, 2016 6:49 pm

Struggling to stay on-line.  

Here is the short version:   I think the title is misleading.   I am guessing as to what is going on.  Not sure.  Maybe the title needs to be Divorce Happens or Marriages Break UP.

Then S 1 can be scientific and tell us the bottle is flung into the air.  Then the bottle comes down with a crash.  The third stanza says big stuff, more than drinking, more than broken bottle. 

I think we NEED a different title.  One that will appeal to  everyone.  A scientific title is a turn-off for me.  I won't read it.  But that may just be me.

Pat

Posts : 550
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

GRAVITY HAPPENS

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:42 am

Yes, the parallelism is possible... close... I look for a hint in the first part to a failing relationship and the gravity happens is not enough to bridge that gap for me.  I especially like "...smooth as lifting (rising) fog" and "...rock hard in his throat..."  Last stanza is your power house!  Keep it as is.  There is no hint of children in this poem but my thoughts keep seeing a child's toy on the step... grandpa Dewell, I guess.  Good work, Dennis.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 316
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Is there enough info for a comparison?

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum