The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    east pinnacle

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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    east pinnacle

    Post  Karen on Fri Feb 26, 2016 5:50 am

    An odd morning.  I wanted to sketch the light of the predawn climb, but I couldn't leave the drive to the mountain alone.  This may be a poem just for me.  Your thoughts are welcome.

    east pinnacle

    climbing on the cusp of morning.
    boulders rooted solid, stolid.
    patchy lichen dappled dark.
    rockpools black as cold regret.

    the sun is tending other mountains.
    counsels patience, offers pink –
    pale and gray, but I accept it.
    light enough to pick my way.

    I never meant to kill the robins,
    not the first, and not the second.
    headlights searched the road for deer,
    left the robins just as dead.

    the sun will fix me in its crosshairs,
    throw me huge against the granite
    slabs as big as my own bed.
    ask me did I catch the worm.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Second Stanza

    Post  tsukany on Fri Feb 26, 2016 7:03 am

    The syntax of stanza two throws me off.  Seems like the sun is passive in stanza two and aggressive in the last.  

    I love the last line of stanza one but got lost in a sea of adjectives before it.

    Stanza three confused me as the "I" killed the birds (not the car) and the car searched the sides of roads (not the I).

    I like the poem; it just feels a bit fresh.  Smile
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: east pinnacle

    Post  Karen on Sun Feb 28, 2016 7:44 pm

    Todd, you are on the money.  The poem is very fresh.  The mix of nature poem and the robin story both bothered me and made me want to make the poem work better.

    Thank you for some clear starting places.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Struggling to post on this.

    Post  Pat on Mon Feb 29, 2016 5:07 pm

    I'm not going to say much because I am not sure it will take it.  This is my third attempt.  If it takes it, I will post more.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Irritating. When I say nothing, it decides to post it!

    Post  Pat on Mon Feb 29, 2016 5:11 pm

    Karen, I saw the FB photo.  : (((   You were banged up!  
    I don't know that I could have put a poem together.  I am amazed at you.   You have the bones of a narrative poem here.  What if you took it from after ER or after the crash and look at everything/remember it from that moment.   You know that mountain.  You thought it was your friend.  Sun, slow, and not helping.  Last line:  I'd not turn it into a question.  Keep your power, what little you had, and just say, "no, I did not catch the worm."

    Big story here.  I'd love to read it in a few weeks to see what you've done with it.
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: east pinnacle

    Post  Karen on Mon Feb 29, 2016 7:59 pm

    Pat, you give me too much credit to suppose I wrote from the ER.  This poem predates my fall on Sunday.  Dennis, Todd, Dewell - I crashed running on the Pinnacle Mountain base trail yesterday - bit through my upper lip, bloodied my nose and blacked both my eyes.  My looks are so full of character today I scarcely recognize myself.

    Strangely enough, the original title for the poem I posted is "east pinnacle 1", as though the sequel was already breathing down my neck.

    "east pinnacle 2"(for this spring) has yet to be written.  I am still stuck on telling people the other guy looks worse than I do, and in fact doesn't even HAVE a nose or upper lip any longer.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    I have fought the good fight

    Post  Dennis 20 on Mon Feb 29, 2016 9:00 pm

    Karen, Sorry to hear of your battle with "the mountain." That said, I find the climb on the "cusp of the morning" to be refreshing. Very good. The problem I have is with stanza three which digresses to pre climb. You have us on the climb, introduce the sun and antics such as they are then you trapse off to darkness and ditches. Stanza four comes back to the sun and the early bird/worm event which is a retro to the "cusp of the morning." 

    I can't make a place for stanza four in the poem without moving it to the front and filling in the holes.  To me, it isn't helpful.  I think it needs a little more work.  I like where your are going with this one. 

    Suggest bandaids, Absorbine Jr., and sunglasses.  Get well soon.
    Dennis
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
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    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: east pinnacle

    Post  Karen on Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:07 am

    Gracias for your comments and your sympathy.  I believe this poem can yet be redeemed.

    My next Pinnacle poem may be titled "Frankenstein's Mother-in-Law."  Stitches ain't pretty on a 62-year-old lip.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Very redeemable.

    Post  Pat on Tue Mar 01, 2016 7:04 am

    May you heal quickly.  Boo-boos don't look or feel good, but they go away.  Hang in there. 

    The poem is definitely redeemable.  We all have to edit. 

    Big hug,   Pat

    Dewell H. Byrd

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    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    MOUNTAIN GIRL FALL DOWN

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:26 am

    Karen,    Love some of the one-liners:  I never meant to kill the robins... and...dark as cold regret...  All those extra adjectives in this poem bogged me down.  How about squeezing some of them out... And now as I read the "back story" the poem makes more sense.
    I never meant to kill the robins   is a great first line to a new poem.
    Keep working on East Pinnacle... this poem is very fixable.  Dewell

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