I feel like I'm writing outside the box.

View previous topic View next topic Go down

I feel like I'm writing outside the box.

Post  Pat on Mon Feb 29, 2016 4:33 pm

Never have I used so many !, but they seemed the right punctuation.  Help any way your can, whatever you see, needing improving.


Rebirth

I can live here?
How wonderful!
Grandma! Wayne!  Marilyn!
Ohhhh.
So many, all crowded in.
Everyone looks healthy, beautiful.
Oh my! Oh my!
What a place!  And so many of us!
Here, together.
What a place!
Oh yes, I can live here.

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: I feel like I'm writing outside the box.

Post  Karen on Mon Feb 29, 2016 8:05 pm

I like the simplicity of this.  Give it a try replacing the exclamation points with periods.  For me, that changes the tone to reverence.  Wonder.

Oh my.
Oh my.

Karen

Posts : 255
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 63
Location : North Little Rock

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Not on plane with you

Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:01 pm

Pat,  I'm confused with what the setting is in this poem.  Help me out with something that gives the setting.
Dennis

Dennis 20
Guest


Back to top Go down

Titles are so important this month

Post  tsukany on Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:43 pm

I wonder if a form that has a repeating line might help this poem:  rondeau, triolet, pantoum.


The poem doesn't describe the place (heaven) enough to feel drawn there.



Rebirth  (This doesn't translate to death for me.  It took me to the beginning of the journey of faith)
 
So this is heaven,
and I can live here?  (This exchange doesn't feel real since I don't know anything about the persona)
How wonderful.
Grandma! Oh, Grandma.
And here comes Marilyn
and Wayne. 
So many of us.
Is that Uncle Otto
standing straight and tall?
Everyone looks amazing.
Oh my. Oh my.
What a beautiful place.
And we’re here, together.
Yes. Oh, yes,
I can live here.
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 532
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Hmmm.

Post  Pat on Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:10 pm

Is Reunion any better?  I hear you on the form.  Hmmmm.  Maybe.

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Maybe we don't see it as a birth. . . .

Post  Pat on Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:12 pm

but I think it is a new beginning.  A rebirth.  I knew I was pushing against the normal mind-set.

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Hmmm (response)

Post  tsukany on Wed Mar 02, 2016 6:51 am

Pat

I think you get much more from "Reunion."  Then the reader can decide if "heaven" is real or an expression.
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 532
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Good reasoning

Post  Pat on Wed Mar 02, 2016 7:24 am

Rebirth is now Reunion.  Easy peasy.  Thank you.

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Outside The Box

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:09 am

The original version made sense to me.  I enjoyed it.  However, the new title does fit better... and I would suggest a stanza break.  That would not break the sense of the theme and would let the reader pause to take in the whole.  Overall it is a clean and simple breath of fresh air for me.
Yes, I, too, like some reoccurring phrases.  Good work.  Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 321
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: I feel like I'm writing outside the box.

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum