The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    I feel like I'm writing outside the box.

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I feel like I'm writing outside the box.

    Post  Pat on Mon Feb 29, 2016 4:33 pm

    Never have I used so many !, but they seemed the right punctuation.  Help any way your can, whatever you see, needing improving.


    Rebirth

    I can live here?
    How wonderful!
    Grandma! Wayne!  Marilyn!
    Ohhhh.
    So many, all crowded in.
    Everyone looks healthy, beautiful.
    Oh my! Oh my!
    What a place!  And so many of us!
    Here, together.
    What a place!
    Oh yes, I can live here.
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    Karen

    Posts : 291
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: I feel like I'm writing outside the box.

    Post  Karen on Mon Feb 29, 2016 8:05 pm

    I like the simplicity of this.  Give it a try replacing the exclamation points with periods.  For me, that changes the tone to reverence.  Wonder.

    Oh my.
    Oh my.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Not on plane with you

    Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:01 pm

    Pat,  I'm confused with what the setting is in this poem.  Help me out with something that gives the setting.
    Dennis
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Titles are so important this month

    Post  tsukany on Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:43 pm

    I wonder if a form that has a repeating line might help this poem:  rondeau, triolet, pantoum.


    The poem doesn't describe the place (heaven) enough to feel drawn there.



    Rebirth  (This doesn't translate to death for me.  It took me to the beginning of the journey of faith)
     
    So this is heaven,
    and I can live here?  (This exchange doesn't feel real since I don't know anything about the persona)
    How wonderful.
    Grandma! Oh, Grandma.
    And here comes Marilyn
    and Wayne. 
    So many of us.
    Is that Uncle Otto
    standing straight and tall?
    Everyone looks amazing.
    Oh my. Oh my.
    What a beautiful place.
    And we’re here, together.
    Yes. Oh, yes,
    I can live here.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Hmmm.

    Post  Pat on Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:10 pm

    Is Reunion any better?  I hear you on the form.  Hmmmm.  Maybe.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Maybe we don't see it as a birth. . . .

    Post  Pat on Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:12 pm

    but I think it is a new beginning.  A rebirth.  I knew I was pushing against the normal mind-set.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Hmmm (response)

    Post  tsukany on Wed Mar 02, 2016 6:51 am

    Pat

    I think you get much more from "Reunion."  Then the reader can decide if "heaven" is real or an expression.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Good reasoning

    Post  Pat on Wed Mar 02, 2016 7:24 am

    Rebirth is now Reunion.  Easy peasy.  Thank you.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Outside The Box

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:09 am

    The original version made sense to me.  I enjoyed it.  However, the new title does fit better... and I would suggest a stanza break.  That would not break the sense of the theme and would let the reader pause to take in the whole.  Overall it is a clean and simple breath of fresh air for me.
    Yes, I, too, like some reoccurring phrases.  Good work.  Dewell

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