Does the first strophe satisfy as an introduction to the poem

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Does the first strophe satisfy as an introduction to the poem

Post  Dennis 20 on Fri Mar 25, 2016 8:36 pm

Catching Sight of the Wind


There is a funnel view of the sky
from the canyon floor.  Eagles soar
in the clouds like planes.
 
But a vista view from the canyon rim
opens horizons in all directions
like a book with spine splayed open.
 
Great spans of eagle wings show
smooth feathers and majestic heads
that pilot them like fighter jets.
 
As ghosts, they rise and fall on updrafts,
emit their eerie squalls, and
use their tails as rudders.
 
After hours of watching the freedom
of lift and dive and soar
the wind takes on the shape of wings.

Dennis 20
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Nice image

Post  tsukany on Sat Mar 26, 2016 7:48 am

Dennis

I would challenge the easy simile of stanza one.  What else soars but planes?  The "funnel" to me to storm the first read, but I like the tension it brings.

I would move stanza two to end the poem.  The comparing of funnel and book is a nice movement.

Stanza three introduces a new metaphor (since planes could be changed from stanza one).  I really think "book" imagery might be stronger.  Then spans might become "splines"  making a verb of a noun.  (But we all know how I like to complicate things unnecessarily)

I think that "tails as rudders" is too "factual" and it also leads me to boats . . . funnels, planes, books, jets, ghosts, boats, (last stanza moves from concrete object 'eagles' to invisible winds 'taking shape') as a return to the title.

Hope that is health food for thought.
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tuning out the wind noise

Post  Dennis 20 on Sat Mar 26, 2016 8:52 am

Catching Sight of the Wind


There is a funnel view of the sky
from the canyon floor.  From here
eagles look like hummingbirds,
 
but their spans of long,strong wings
show smooth feathers that lift
on open air without words.
 
As ghosts, they rise and fall on updrafts,
emit their eerie squalls, and
peruse distant shifting shapes.
 
After hours of watching the freedom
of lift and dive and soar
the wind takes on the shape of wings.
 
This vista view from the canyon rim
opens horizons in all directions
like a book with spine splayed.

Dennis 20
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CATCHING SIGHT OF THE WIND

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Mar 27, 2016 3:31 pm

Dennis,... I'm glad to see the planes disappear (gliders soar... do planes?).  I'm OK with either ending but the revised version is definitely tighter.  Splayed... what a fine image for this poem.  Ghosts bothers me unless it is a shortened simile of some kind.  Not sure about the rudder thing but I have no option to offer...Are vistas and views too similar for this poem?  Nice poem.  Good work.  Dewell

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I like the changes.

Post  Pat on Sun Mar 27, 2016 9:36 pm

I like that you connected canyon floor with what you are seeing:  the transitional phrase helps smooth it up:  from here.  I'd drop their  in Stanza 2 and 3.  I am clear they are eagles.  Just weeding the second poem.  Last stanza:  This or The?  The second poem keeps me focused, not scattered. Good revision.  Good poem.

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Re: Does the first strophe satisfy as an introduction to the poem

Post  Karen on Mon Mar 28, 2016 7:41 pm

I too like the revision.  I agree with Todd about strengthening the "book" imagery.  Did I dream a suggestion of Hemingways for hummingbirds or am I just not able to see that post on this screen?  I like that.  The ghosts bugged me.  These ancient scholars rise and fall on updrafts ... just trying stuff out here.  Along with Dewell, I'm dissatisfied with vista view, but only have criticism, not solution.

This poem is so very close to confessing its secret.  Keep after it.  It's a good piece.

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All the help you give is needed

Post  Dennis 20 on Wed Mar 30, 2016 11:42 am

Thanks to all.  Karen, I like your suggestion of Hemmingways.  I think I will use that. Is our group great, or what?

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Re: Does the first strophe satisfy as an introduction to the poem

Post  Karen on Wed Mar 30, 2016 12:20 pm

I could have sworn Todd suggested it.  Perhaps it was the psychic forum.  Yikes.

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