The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    This is girlie, but I think you guys can handle it. Can you understand it?

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    This is girlie, but I think you guys can handle it. Can you understand it?

    Post  Pat on Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:13 pm

    A White Crown




    I knew I had arrived

    the day I asked my hairdresser

    to razor-cut my hair

    into a no-fuss, short and sassy

    pixie-do and to not add color.

    A brave moment. I wondered

    if I could pull it off. Snow hair

    was as natural to me as cottonwoods

    bending in the wind. But coloring

    the white was my habit, like autumn

    flaunts boldness on trees in October.



    I’m no Medusa, you understand,

    but on that brave day a dance

    was going on within me: I told

    my hair it could stay as it was, laugh,

    slither, become striking, but to stay soft

    and touchable. Quite suddenly,

    I could see my winter hair as maiden

    snow on a mountaintop, or better yet,

    a white crown.



    However, a crown of this sort

    means something: it means

    I’m growing old. That fact though—

    once exposed, once accepted—

    gave me full permission

    to cook a fish whole over coals,

    to name clouds,

    to waste time searching for an ant

    in petals of a peony.



    Thanks, Pat
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Message Received

    Post  tsukany on Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:19 pm

    Pat...I think you are growing leaps and bounds with your line breaks...YES!

    I think you can now go to the poem for another version, since this one works fine.

    Try one that doesn't "tell" the story. Trust the reader. Here's an example: " it means

    I’m growing old." I love the ending of the poem but got "lost" in the narration of the story.

    Thanks again for sharing...

    dennis20
    Guest

    Re: This is girlie, but I think you guys can handle it. Can you understand it?

    Post  dennis20 on Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:06 pm

     

    Pat,  I think it could have been more compact.  You tend to put more fluff than I think necessary.  Maybe too many metaphors.  I think you try to make poems too long. The last para could have started with the statement "Hey, I'm growing old." You are trying to tell the reader what the crown means. We know.  The rest of the things you talk about and what you could do now that you have time is good. Good poem, though. 

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Crown

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Feb 29, 2012 4:42 pm

    Pat, I like this poem. Read it to Elsa and she loved it. She said, "I can hear Pat talking." Here are a few landscaping remarks that might help tighten this poem a bit:

    flaunting instead of flaunts... delete or better yet... was my habit is a weak spot...

    try A crown of this sort means I'm growing old...

    among petals, not in petals...

    Pat, this piece might be heavy in metaphors early on... they can lead the reader astray. But overall I think this poem is indicative of your style... a very succussful style as your publication record attests. (Gad, where is spell-check on my machine?)

    Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    And I thank you!

    Post  Pat on Thu Mar 01, 2012 8:22 am

    Helpful input. That's what I need. That's why I do this.

    I will tend to your poems sometime today. Later, Pat

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