Happy Poetry Month, Karen, Todd, Dewell, Dennis! : )

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Happy Poetry Month, Karen, Todd, Dewell, Dennis! : )

Post  Pat on Mon Apr 25, 2016 5:49 pm

Just so you understand:  My sister is moving from TX to Conway, AR.  I'll be there helping her.  Fairly sure she will not be set up with WiFi, sooooo I'll respond on your poems as quickly as you put them up, then you'll hear nothing unless I take a break from the chaos and find a library or coffee shop.  I just don't know what'll happen, so it may be the following Tuesday when I get back to you. 

It was the day

she hurried toward the car
and was startled by
rumbling thunder
from a flock of wild turkeys
rattling the skies
above the empty lot next door.
Turkeys, up ad away,
tilting together.
It was that same day
she found
the treasured pocket knife
her husband had been missing
for over a year.
It was the day
something inside her
upturned, helping
her to grasp cancer
as a bit of history,
not as a death sentence.

Always, she'd see that day as
her sign from heaven,
a promise
like an olive branch
showing her
God would always take her through
dark times,
the day she learned
dry land was out there


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Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Apr 27, 2016 6:36 pm

OK!  Come on, now.  Give us this poem in FIRST PERSON, please.  End it with the God line.  Love the turkeys rattle thunder but I'd lose the knife.  Or is it a symbol?  Nice contrast of everyday things, activities and the starkness conjured up by the thought of cancer.  I find lots of power and humility in your poem, Pat.  Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

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Rain, rain, go away

Post  Dennis 20 on Sat Apr 30, 2016 7:47 am

Pat,  Great poem! I like the metaphors.  A couple of things I would note. I think there is too wide a gap from the thunder to the last "dry land" thought.  I would offer this for the last stanza: 

That day--
her sign from heaven,
a promise,
an olive branch.
God would take her
through dark times.

Dennis 20

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Re: Happy Poetry Month, Karen, Todd, Dewell, Dennis! : )

Post  Karen on Sat Apr 30, 2016 8:36 pm

I am with Dewell - first person please, and the turkeys are strong enough without the knife.  I think the knife distracts from the turkeys. 

I do want the dry land, though.  KJV: And God called the dry land Earth.

A thought.  I know the poem - for you - must refer to cancer, but if you could find a universal name for that suffering, it would broaden the poem tremendously.

I love these images.


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Post  tsukany on Sun May 01, 2016 6:15 am


The poem strikes me as rather literal. 

I wonder if you can make more of the music held in "It was the day she . . ."

I would cut lines 7 and 8 and make each "It was the day . . ."  a new stanza.

I think I wanted the poem to end with "God" rather than earth. 

I also wanted all the signs to have a promise of "water" within them. 

I wanted a cause/effect relationship between the signs of the day and the olive branch.  Is each "sign" a sending out of the dove that returns with the "branch"?  I didn't read it that way; I found hope in each of the "signs." 

Sorry, last item, I wanted there to be a connection between "as a bit of history,
not as a death sentence."  I like the idea, it's the vehicle that I am addressing.

Sorry, I don't feel like I'm much help with this poem.

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Re: Happy Poetry Month, Karen, Todd, Dewell, Dennis! : )

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