The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Happy Poetry Month, Karen, Todd, Dewell, Dennis! : )

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    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Happy Poetry Month, Karen, Todd, Dewell, Dennis! : )

    Post  Pat on Mon Apr 25, 2016 5:49 pm

    Just so you understand:  My sister is moving from TX to Conway, AR.  I'll be there helping her.  Fairly sure she will not be set up with WiFi, sooooo I'll respond on your poems as quickly as you put them up, then you'll hear nothing unless I take a break from the chaos and find a library or coffee shop.  I just don't know what'll happen, so it may be the following Tuesday when I get back to you. 

    It was the day

    she hurried toward the car
    and was startled by
    rumbling thunder
    from a flock of wild turkeys
    rattling the skies
    above the empty lot next door.
    Turkeys, up ad away,
    tilting together.
    It was that same day
    she found
    the treasured pocket knife
    her husband had been missing
    for over a year.
    It was the day
    something inside her
    upturned, helping
    her to grasp cancer
    as a bit of history,
    not as a death sentence.

    Always, she'd see that day as
    her sign from heaven,
    a promise
    like an olive branch
    showing her
    God would always take her through
    dark times,
    the day she learned
    dry land was out there
    somewhere.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    IT WAS THE DAY

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Apr 27, 2016 6:36 pm

    OK!  Come on, now.  Give us this poem in FIRST PERSON, please.  End it with the God line.  Love the turkeys rattle thunder but I'd lose the knife.  Or is it a symbol?  Nice contrast of everyday things, activities and the starkness conjured up by the thought of cancer.  I find lots of power and humility in your poem, Pat.  Dewell

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    Rain, rain, go away

    Post  Dennis 20 on Sat Apr 30, 2016 7:47 am

    Pat,  Great poem! I like the metaphors.  A couple of things I would note. I think there is too wide a gap from the thunder to the last "dry land" thought.  I would offer this for the last stanza: 

    That day--
    her sign from heaven,
    a promise,
    an olive branch.
    God would take her
    through dark times.
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Happy Poetry Month, Karen, Todd, Dewell, Dennis! : )

    Post  Karen on Sat Apr 30, 2016 8:36 pm

    I am with Dewell - first person please, and the turkeys are strong enough without the knife.  I think the knife distracts from the turkeys. 

    I do want the dry land, though.  KJV: And God called the dry land Earth.

    A thought.  I know the poem - for you - must refer to cancer, but if you could find a universal name for that suffering, it would broaden the poem tremendously.

    I love these images.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Looking

    Post  tsukany on Sun May 01, 2016 6:15 am

    Pat

    The poem strikes me as rather literal. 

    I wonder if you can make more of the music held in "It was the day she . . ."

    I would cut lines 7 and 8 and make each "It was the day . . ."  a new stanza.

    I think I wanted the poem to end with "God" rather than earth. 

    I also wanted all the signs to have a promise of "water" within them. 

    I wanted a cause/effect relationship between the signs of the day and the olive branch.  Is each "sign" a sending out of the dove that returns with the "branch"?  I didn't read it that way; I found hope in each of the "signs." 

    Sorry, last item, I wanted there to be a connection between "as a bit of history,
    not as a death sentence."  I like the idea, it's the vehicle that I am addressing.

    Sorry, I don't feel like I'm much help with this poem.

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    Re: Happy Poetry Month, Karen, Todd, Dewell, Dennis! : )

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