The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Is this too heavy for an elegy

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    Dennis 20
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    Is this too heavy for an elegy

    Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Apr 26, 2016 9:46 am

    Skipping Stone
     
    Dot-plot-dot across the pond
    disrupting smooth surface blue.
    Wake checks wake, circles break
    and go arm in arm to shore.
     
    The parts separate like egg and yolk
    and kiss against the bank.
    Faces blank, minds numb and steps
    by granite stones go to heaven.
     
    Preacher’s words catch air,
    people almost hear, and stones
    along two paths breathe in and out
    as one fades and one remains on earth.

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    skipping stone

    Post  Pat on Tue Apr 26, 2016 3:01 pm

    Seems to fit the definition of elegy in free verse.  Nice.  Nostalgic, pensive, melancholy, loss.
    Image of skipping stone over a pond and a loss. I'm thinking skipping stone and Skipping a stone.  Hmm.  I like the sounds. . . . circles. . . kiss the bank.  Egg and yolk made me go a different direction in my mind, but I could image it.  You lost me on Wake checks wake. . . .got the rest of it.  A loss, a preacher.  I like the last line, but not sure you need "on earth."  Dennis, I wondered how it would be if you had two stanzas:  6 and 6, separating what's happening with nature, then people.  Just playing with it.  It would also work as couplets.  Lots to think about in this poem, and I like that.

    Dewell H. Byrd

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    SKIPPING STONES ELEGY

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Apr 27, 2016 6:20 pm

    No.  Not too heavy since it is an elegy and not a celebration of life.  I like it!  Circles arm-in-arm is both clever and innovative.  EGG?  I don't know if it fits.  Yes, I, too would delete last two words and try to separate inanimate and animate via stanza break.  Good work.  Dewell

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    Admin

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    A word

    Post  Admin on Thu Apr 28, 2016 6:39 am

    Dennis

    The word "go" as in "go to heaven" tripped me.  I was able to follow the egg jump but not the "go."  it made the headstone go to heaven.

    The last stanza:  seems like "stone" wants to be a symbol of the couple.  Do stones fade?  Does the symbol remain consistent through the entire poem?
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    Karen

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    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Is this too heavy for an elegy

    Post  Karen on Sat Apr 30, 2016 8:45 pm

    Please do keep the egg and yolk.  And say goodbye to on earth at the end.

    The phrase steps by granite stones go to heaven lost me a bit.  I think you want me to ascend.  Take me there.

    And yes, elegy.  This has the right pensiveness for me.

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