Is this too heavy for an elegy

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Is this too heavy for an elegy

Post  Dennis 20 on Tue Apr 26, 2016 9:46 am

Skipping Stone
 
Dot-plot-dot across the pond
disrupting smooth surface blue.
Wake checks wake, circles break
and go arm in arm to shore.
 
The parts separate like egg and yolk
and kiss against the bank.
Faces blank, minds numb and steps
by granite stones go to heaven.
 
Preacher’s words catch air,
people almost hear, and stones
along two paths breathe in and out
as one fades and one remains on earth.

Dennis 20
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skipping stone

Post  Pat on Tue Apr 26, 2016 3:01 pm

Seems to fit the definition of elegy in free verse.  Nice.  Nostalgic, pensive, melancholy, loss.
Image of skipping stone over a pond and a loss. I'm thinking skipping stone and Skipping a stone.  Hmm.  I like the sounds. . . . circles. . . kiss the bank.  Egg and yolk made me go a different direction in my mind, but I could image it.  You lost me on Wake checks wake. . . .got the rest of it.  A loss, a preacher.  I like the last line, but not sure you need "on earth."  Dennis, I wondered how it would be if you had two stanzas:  6 and 6, separating what's happening with nature, then people.  Just playing with it.  It would also work as couplets.  Lots to think about in this poem, and I like that.

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SKIPPING STONES ELEGY

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Apr 27, 2016 6:20 pm

No.  Not too heavy since it is an elegy and not a celebration of life.  I like it!  Circles arm-in-arm is both clever and innovative.  EGG?  I don't know if it fits.  Yes, I, too would delete last two words and try to separate inanimate and animate via stanza break.  Good work.  Dewell

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A word

Post  Admin on Thu Apr 28, 2016 6:39 am

Dennis

The word "go" as in "go to heaven" tripped me.  I was able to follow the egg jump but not the "go."  it made the headstone go to heaven.

The last stanza:  seems like "stone" wants to be a symbol of the couple.  Do stones fade?  Does the symbol remain consistent through the entire poem?

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Re: Is this too heavy for an elegy

Post  Karen on Sat Apr 30, 2016 8:45 pm

Please do keep the egg and yolk.  And say goodbye to on earth at the end.

The phrase steps by granite stones go to heaven lost me a bit.  I think you want me to ascend.  Take me there.

And yes, elegy.  This has the right pensiveness for me.
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