The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    ASTER...(DRAFT)

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    ASTER...(DRAFT)

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Apr 27, 2016 6:11 pm

    Looking for a simple, gentle poem that carries a plaintive message (Where is spellcheck when you need it?).... Not sure if the stanzas are in the best order... and anything else you note... Dewell

    ASTER

    Blue
    As a Parish sky
    Nodding

    In a gentle breeze
    Damp with memory of
    The s0ft night

    Weathered
    Stem and leaves fight
    Careless traffic

    Roots
    Cling to sparse
    Dirt, drought, storm

    Home
    In the crack
    Of a broken concrete sidewalk

    No one tells it where to grow.
    Why must they tell me where to
    Root, grow, bloom?

         -Dewell H. Byrd

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Blue Aster Poem

    Post  Pat on Thu Apr 28, 2016 8:44 am

    Dewell, I never see Parish and sky used together, so it grabbed me right off.  I trust that is a beautiful blue sky?  A wild aster?  For some reason I'd like to see weathered stem and leaves together and fight on a line by itself.  Could you say, "At home" instead of Home?  Dewell, I don't need the last stanza.  It changes the direction of the poem.  I like the reporting part on the Aster.  I wonder if I see wild asters alongside the highways here.  I think I do.  Powdered blue?  I'll be looking.  Thank you for sharing this sight.

    Dennis 20
    Guest

    I like the blues

    Post  Dennis 20 on Fri Apr 29, 2016 8:55 am

    Dewell,  Great poem.  I like the way it drew blue to my mind's eye immediately. I don't know the color of a parish sky, but it has to be a beautiful blue to match the aster. I do note that the first two stanzas are a calm and peaceful picture while the last four are conflict.  Maybe not chaos, but conflict.  There are two pictures, the first of peace and beauty and the second of angst. It would be less so without the last stanza. That stanza does change the mindset from the flower to human conflict. I'm not saying take it out, just pointing out what I see. Good pictures here.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Line breaks

    Post  tsukany on Sun May 01, 2016 6:39 am

    Dewell,  my experience with finding poems in the back of anthologies by title and first line would produce:  "'Aster' Blue."  Thus I lobby for new line breaks.

    We discussed at Lucidity why free verse poets who don't use punctuation retain the question mark?  The State Critic of Ark believes that free verse should have full punctuation or none at all.

    ASTER

    Blue as a parish sky
    Nodding in gentle breeze

    Damp with the memory
    Of soft night

    Weathered stem and leaves
    fight careless traffic

    Roots cling to sparse
    Dirt, drought, storm  (Roots cling to a storm?)

    At home in the crack
    Of a broken concrete sidewalk

    Why must others tell me
    Where to root, grow, bloom
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    Karen

    Posts : 310
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 65
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: ASTER...(DRAFT)

    Post  Karen on Sun May 01, 2016 10:00 am

    I love the spare quality of this poem.  I lobby for adios to all punctuation and capitalization.  I would also bid farewell to most of the articles and some of the conjunctions and prepositions. 

    A major haircut may necessitate some line break changes for clarity, but I think the poem would come out shining brighter.

    Good poem, Dewell.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Karen

    Post  tsukany on Sun May 01, 2016 10:13 am

    Sorry to hijack this post, but what would this poem look like with limited articles and conjunctions?

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    Re: ASTER...(DRAFT)

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