The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Night Trail

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    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Night Trail

    Post  Karen on Wed May 25, 2016 11:29 am

    I like this poem for the clear picture it returns to my mind.  My question to you: what happens for the reader?  Picture or puzzlement?
     
    NIGHT TRAIL

    A line of meteors
    crashes through sky roads,
    upending hideouts,
    scattering lovers
    and loners.

    Many miles above,
    the author of disaster,
    I adjust my headlamp.
    Marvel
    at the glittering eyes
    of spiders.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    minor stuff

    Post  tsukany on Thu May 26, 2016 9:50 am

    Karen

    I wonder if you gain something by making "roads" a metaphor for the "line of meteors" (place the comma after "sky.")

    "upending hideouts" is rather violent.  [I'm not sure how the two stanzas work together.  I like each as its own idea] 

    I wonder why lovers are practicing on the running trail.  [only runners are crazy enough to be out, intentionally, in storms Smile]

    The second stanza has the persona as "the author of disaster."  Not sure about that sense.
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    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Night Trail

    Post  Karen on Thu May 26, 2016 11:57 am

    Uh-oh.  I see by Todd's response my little story is a mystery.  I'll wait to hear from the other poets before I respond.  This is what I wanted to know!

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Night Trail

    Post  Don C on Thu May 26, 2016 5:16 pm

    I think it's good. I Googled "Glittering Spider Eyes," and saw why you chose to end with that image.
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    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Night Trail

    Post  Karen on Thu May 26, 2016 7:45 pm

    Don's on the trail.  The poem is more literal than not.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    NIGHT TRAIL

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun May 29, 2016 1:01 pm

    Lots of interesting images... I never ran at night except when scared... so this head lamp night running alone is a bit foreign to me. 
    I like the idea of surprise as in lovers, etc...
    The many images are too scattered for me to connect a continuous flow of thought.  Perhaps more connective tissue would clarify that for the reader.
    I'm eager to see the honed product.  Dewell
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    Karen

    Posts : 294
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Night Trail

    Post  Karen on Mon May 30, 2016 9:36 pm

    This poem is looking more like a personal snapshot than one to share.  The experience is not common enough.  Running at night focuses me more tightly on the trail than day running.  There are fewer distractions in the dark, and small things loom bigger.  I feel like Godzilla scattering the villagers as I snag spider webs and kick rocks as I pass.

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